Secondary choices / letting DD walk to school

[Picklepotts]

Would love some advice as I’m not sure what to do…

DD has just passed her Kent test. The local grammar school is 1.5 miles away from our house , the nearest comp is 0.5 miles away.

DH and I have heard good things about both. We would like her to go to the grammar as we think she’ll soar, she’s really keen on wanting to go there too.

The walk however is putting her off. Currently her primary is 1 mile away but she’s walked there and back by me. She’s also currently going through a referral for potential ADHD.

i was happy to meet her from the grammar there and back but DH has said it’s unfair as she’ll be mocked by her friends and that I need to let her walk on her own.

I would have a shared car 2 days a week but even then he’s saying I shouldn’t offer lifts as she’ll expect it and she’ll miss out making friends.

She doesn’t have many friends and sometimes thinks she’s safer than she is. I worry about her maturity levels and there’s at least 1 road she’d have to cross which is super busy.

DH says that she’ll never be independent or make friends as long as I’m there.

This is keeping me awake at night , as I’m not sure whether it’s safe for her to go. I’m naturally a bit of a worrier and so I’d be really worried for her safety.

Would love some opinions and advice!

I have 2 DC who are ND and attend(ed) selective secondary. My decision would be on how happy I am with the SEN department, speak to both SEN departments and ensure you’re happy with their plans for ADHD students; how many are in their SEN, how many have ADHD, sanctions, help, etc. 1.5 miles to school isn’t far for a teenager to walk and at some point you are going to have to let DD cross roads and be independent.

Your DH is right. You can’t walk her tos secondary school. You can practice with her in the summer, but you need to let her start being independent now. Start letting her walk to primary.

Start practicing now, most kids start walking by themselves in year 6.
I started meeting my ds 5 mins from the school then half way then he walked by himself. It was around a mile with lots of roads. Get her to do other short trips to gain confidence, walking to the shop to get milk, popping to the post box etc.
You definitely don't want her to be one that gets walked to secondary school by her mum.
You have loads of time over year 6 to get her confidence up. Practice the route she will take over the summer.

You can’t walk her to secondary. No one does that. You have to let her walk to school now, starting at year 6.

DH is right - you need to let her do this herself. You've got a year to practice. Let her start walking to her current school, for example. Start with half way if it seems too much.

Remember this is just the first of many things she will want to do. Go to a friends' house? Go to the cinema or to mooch round the shops? You can't follow her round all the time.

Next September is a way off and she will be different by then. You don't have to commit or not commit to anything - you can give her a lift sometimes and not others, or you can take it slowly, and in both cases you can be led by her.

I think it's okay to offer lifts 2 days a week (max).

The other days she has to get herself there though, you can't walk her to school at secondary level, your DH is right.

She won't be mocked if her mum walks with her in year 7 (well, as long as you don't make her hold your hand!) You'll probably find that she's OK after the first few weeks anyway, or that you can walk halfway with her.

I would save the car for really miserable days, personally. I would be very careful not to use it for days you're "running late", because you'll quickly find that you never run "on time" again!

ETA: looks like my school is different from most if everyone else is saying that it's social suicide to walk with your mum when you're 11! It's very normal at my school for parents to support their kids for the first few weeks at least.

Please don't offer lifts when it's only a 1.5 mile walk.
School traffic is bad enough without people making journeys they don't need to.

i don’t think there is a right or wrong simply what suits your child who needs to lead this.

DD has always gotten herself independently too and from school but sometimes I meet her at the top of the road to walk back it’s a nice talk. She is at Grammar and there is a lot of meeting of the pupils (even now in year 11)

DS is in yesr 7 and has some EBSA in years 5 and 6 so we take him too and from school in the car - loads of people do you park up and they get in the car. For him being in school and at the right one was the most important thing so taking him is secondary to that

follow her lead on what she wants, not what others are doing not what you think she should be doing

Grammar/Selectivr as well tend to be different with a wider area coming in and some quite helicopter parents!

If a secondary school is close enough to walk to, it suggests that the child's primary school is also close enough to walk to and therefore most parents would have stopped walking their child to school in Year 5/6.

I think your school is definitely different if parents are still walking their children to school beyond (say) the first day or so of Year 7. Apart from anything else, don't any of them work? Or have younger siblings to collect at schools in a different location?

What usually happens for the kids who still aren't keen on travelling by themselves is that they get dropped off/picked up for the first week or so and then they walk as soon as they've found themselves a couple of mates (or more) to walk with.

It's half an hour in nearly a year's time - by the Summer Term, she's far more likely to be ready anyhow.

Mine walked part of the way with me until they found friends on their route to walk with. They still do if I'm heading out at the same time as them. They aren't embarrassed to be seen out with me and still bellow "Love you Mum" when they walk off to meet their mates. It's a comp in special measures and nobody has said a word to them about walking with their Mum.

If you are still concerned about the road crossing (is there a zebra crossing? Pedestrian controlled lights? Just take life in one's hands and hope for the best?) and have the time availability to do it, is there somewhere you could 'need to be going' in the morning / a cafe you could be meeting at in the afternoon near where she needs to cross, for the first few days, just to make sure that she is crossing safely?

There's plenty of time to practise the journey between March and September, though (or between now and September, if a pass plus being in whatever oversubscription criterion your DD is in for the grammar is enough to be sure of a place).

Do whatever works for you and your DD till she's capable and confident to do the walk independently. That might entail a combination of letting her do more of her walk to primary alone, practicing the secondary route during the summer hols, walking some/all of the way with her at the start of yr7 and decreasing/stopping when she's ready.

One of DDs friends at GS had parents who followed her at a distance until about yr 11 - the other girls recognised this was just rather sweetly overprotective parents. Eye roll and shrugs all round, not bullying - hopefully that's the normal reaction to helicoptering parents.

It's only a half hour walk and she'll be 11, that's old enough. The exercise will be good for her as well.

I can't believe parents are following their kids to school in year 11! Thats seriously messed up that poor girl.

Thanks so much for all of your replies , it seems as though its unanimous that she should be walking on her own. Sorry if this is drip feeding but I wasn’t planning on walking her up to the gate, maybe halfway or more depending on what she wants etc. But you’re right, I need to allow her to prove herself and I definately can’t see myself doing it in year 11!

You’ve all been helpful, thanks all 😊

DH is right sorry, it would be mortifying to have her mum walk her to secondary school!
A lift some mornings will probably be welcome especially when it's raining or she has lots of stuff - but generally you are going to have to give her some freedom when she starts secondary.
Is she happy with the idea of walking? Have you walked the route with her so she gets an idea how far it is? Is there a bus she could take?

She says she’s okay with the walk but that will probably change when it’s dark/cold/wet ! But we already walk 1 mile to the primary so it’s a similar way, so once I get the choices back next year and we know where she’s going for certain, I can go through the routes with her.

If it‘s the distance, can she cycle/scoot? (Lots of older teens use those big two wheeled scooters around here, it isn’t seen as babyish)

She does have a scooter actually but not an electric one. Definately something to consider though, thank you!

Is there likely to be a local friend you could walk with her to meet at the start of the year and they could walk together?

Can she cycle? Lots of primary schools around here offer "Bikeability" (new name for cycling proficiency) for Y5/6 so that kids are safer cycling on local roads.
Also, unless it's changed recently I thought the only legal electric scooters were the ones that were part of the official "on-road" rental trials?