Choosing a secondary school with or without friends conumdrum

[BearWith2024]

Conundrum!!! My daughter is in Y6. She is on the pathway for a diagnosis of ADHD. We have 2 schools to choose from. The first option is the one that the majority of her friends are going to, however, I believe that all the things that she finds almost unbearable at school now are going to be magnified at this school because of how large it is. The 2nd option is much more likely to support her needs. It is much smaller and consequently class sizes are smaller, but none of her friends are going there. My feeling is that she will be able to stay in contact with her friends and they won't see much of each other at the large school. The SENCO agrees with me. However, it will have to be my daughter's choice in the end - has anyone else been through this and how can I help my daughter to look at the whole picture? She has said that if she had one friend going to the 2nd school, she wouldn't hesitate, so I know that she can see that it is where she would be happiest.

Parents choose schools … That’s your job, not your child’s.

Obviously you take into account everything that will affect their schooling - but it’s your decision.

My kids went to a secondary where they didn't know a single person because it was a better option for them. It was the making of them, total fresh start and I never regretted it. I involved them in the decision, explained my reasons but ultimately did say if they really really hated the idea we'd go somewhere else. They were willing to give it a try and never looked back.

You make the choice. It’s far too big a burden to put on a 10 year old.

If you firmly believe the other school is better for her in the long term, go for it, but brace yourself for a rocky time from the next 11 months or so! Have just been through similar with my ND daughter, although we did choose together the school she went to, her fear of the unknown meant we spent a lot of time, especially as end of Y6 approached and through the summer hols with her wishing she was going to the same school as her primary friends. Just coming to the end of term 1 and she is happy and settled, the most regulated she has been for a couple of years so zero doubts that we chose the right environment for her. At the end of the day, kids friendships can be up and down but with a ND child, the environment is the biggest factor in successful school AND friendship. Good luck!

Usually with secondaries if a child is moving up with no one else coming from that school they send a member of staff to meet the child in the primary. Then they have the usual yr 6 taster day where all yr6s spend a day in their new secondary, normally in July and the school often puts on an extra morning for all those lone children to meet each other. They can see they are not the only child moving up with no friends and that means there are more familiar faces on their first day. They have already met their classmates, met their teacher and the school usually tries to break up primary friendships as not all of them are positive ones. They did a team building day at my DC's school and deliberately manipulate the teams.

My children knew they would be doing this, we moved into catchment for an incredible secondary and I kept them in their original primary as I was able to do the school run every day very easily. Ds1 is now 21 and still friends with some of the people he met in year 7. Ds2 is 18 and away at uni and has had the same 4 friends since the second week of year 7. They are quirky, nerdy, unusual and yet found each other, love the same things which is why school clubs are so helpful in finding friends who enjoy the same things as you.

Just because you have friends in primary does not mean you keep those same friends. There are normally 30 children in a year group so choice is limited. When they move up to secondary, DC's year group had 10 forms, 5 forms per year half so in some classes with their form, but mixed for ability for maths, English and sciences meaning mixing with 150 children. New is also novel.

You make the choice as a parent based on things a child doesn't consider.

it will have to be my daughter's choice in the end

Im afraid I disagree with this. Her voice and concerns need to be heard, but it’s your job as parent to make the decision. She does not have the emotional maturity, she cannot weigh up all the factors in the same way that an adult can.

You know she will struggle at the bigger school. You know that primary school friends are very often not kept through secondary. You know which one she needs to go to. Make active plans with the friends, book them on to something together in the summer or something - an active way that she can see you keeping the promise that she can stay in touch. See if there’s something you can do for her to meet kids at the other school - go to a club closer to that school etc. But make the decision.

You choose. It does not need to be your DD's choice.
Friendships shift in y7 anyway.

6 weeks into Yr7... none of DDs friendship group went to the same Primary School as her. In a way, this is quite a feat as over a quarter of Yr7 went to her Primary (its the biggest feeder school).

I would chose the school with the best arrangements for her ADHD. Ask about how classes are arranged, how homework is organised, how strict etc the school is etc.

Friends change between primary and secondary and you need to be the parent here - you choose the school that’s best for her.
Once I told my son I’d look to move him if he didn’t settle well in my choice of school - it took the pressure off and luckily I didn’t have to test if it was possible!

Dear god what is wrong with parents nowadays?

Your daughter does NOT get to make decisions like this. Do your bloody job and parent the poor child.

I don't know why everyone is so shocked and horrified that you would ask your daughter which school she prefers. I think that is normal and actually it would be odd not to take her opinion into account.

Having said that it sounds as if she is basically open to choosing the second school, but needs a bit of a push and reassurance that she will make friends there.

No, @TheYearOfSmallThings - there is a huge difference between ‘asking a child which school they prefer’ and handing the responsibility of desicion making to them.

From what I can see, almost everyone on this thread understands that.

There's no conundrum - YOU choose the school that is best for your daughter. It's your decision, not hers.

From what I can see, almost everyone on this thread sent their child to a different school from their friends, so I am not taking the population of this group as representative.

In real life most children go to a school to which some of their classmates will also go, and most parents would seek their child's agreement when making a decision otherwise. Some of the parents on this thread have made good suggestions (eg saying "I think this school is better but if you are absolutely against it I wouldn't force you" or "If you don't like it you can change to the other school") rather than just saying Parents Choose.

Its also worth remembering that parents don't actually chose the school, just which order they put them on the form. The final decision comes down to how well the child meets the criteria versus all the other children that apply.

Although if the school is named in an ECHP this is irrelevant (not sure if OP is using the normal admissions or ECHP admissions route)

You make the choice for school, not your dd. How can a 10 year old know better than their parent? It is different if you like both options equally. Never pick a school just because friends are going. So many times I have heard friends change once in secondary. Many go to schools with no friends at all. My dd was the only one going into her secondary and she is very happy. She made friends fast. It helps if you do sports/clubs to meet people fast.

@TheYearOfSmallThings it surely goes without saying that parents seek their child's agreement in every case? You listen to their preferences, and weigh those alongside your knowledge of the child and your far more comprehensive grasp of the whole situation.

No one wants an unhappy child. And schools certainly don’t want unhappy pupils. It’s the parent’s job to help the child understand the reasons why they think one school is likely to offer more than another for that child.

Consider how you will cope if your child is at the wrong school, crashes out and you are left to homeschool while you fight your LA for funding for an EOTAS package or similar. This is not even the worst case scenario but a situation some of us find ourselves in and one in which all the friends in the world won't help with.

As other posters say, recognise your responsibility as a parent, very probably to a child with a disability who may struggle with decision making/executive function, and choose the school that your DC has the best chance of thriving it.

Do take your daughters feelings into consideration, but if you feel the other school will best for her needs it's probably best to go with your gut.
I also moved my child to a secondary school where only a couple of people she knew were going (not from her friendship group) however she was put in a form on her own.
She has made some good friends and did settle in well. Maybe talk to the school to see if there are things to help - maybe summer school activities / activities with small groups prior to starting as these may be invaluable with helping with the transition. It is such a difficult decision!

You are the parent, I think the choice of school is yours to make, it’s too much responsibility to put on your daughter.

my husband chose the school he went to, he chose the school his pals were going to, but it wasn’t a good school, and he has regretted the low attainment he came away with, despite also having passed his 11+, which indicates he could have done much better and would have ended up taking a different career path.

I'm another who is surprised that a parent would allow a ten year old to choose their school. Totally different decision to make at Sixth Form but a ten year old does not have the overview that a parent should have.
I'd definitely be getting their opinions as this would help inform any potential worries they might have about secondary school in general and in particular.
My kids had no choice, it was catchment school or move.
One is now choosing his Sixth Form.