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Original poster

Splitting family up for school

36 replies

Saturdayagain · 12/10/2024 20:15

My marriage ended three years ago. Before the divorce was finalised we had decided to apply to a school for our elder son which is a bit of a long journey from home. It is private but not as high profile as some. My son started in Sept 2023 and he got a lift in with another boy who lived locally. I did the return school run 3 nights a week and it was going ok. Unfortunately the other family have had to move away, (military family). My work has also changed so I can't pick him up after school either. This means that my son now has a long bus journey then quite a walk of 20 minutes into school other end. He hates the extra early time he now has to leave in the morning and later he gets home. Not helping is that in the last few weeks he has got wet so often.

His father has now moved to a house about 15 minutes from the school. My son now wants to move to live with his dad during the week. I know he is unhappy and tired but I don't really want him to move to his dad's and leave me and his younger brother. My ex has said he is very sympathetic to my son and is prepared to have him live with him. The only alternative is to move to a school nearer to where I live but the school is good. Should I let my son go or not?

To avoid drip feed there is a school closer to home that my son preferred but I overruled him because the school we chose is less academically selective so his younger brother is more likely to be able to join him. My older son says I'm making him suffer for the sake of his brother. What would you do?

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 12/10/2024 22:08

Saturdayagain · 12/10/2024 21:48

I felt the OP was long enough but I think that for context I should add that the secondary school my son attends was recommended by friends because they found it to be inclusive and understanding of children in our situation. My ex isn't in the military but his work is allied to it. His work patterns used to be very similar to military and this school is used to helping children cope with parents being away for months at a time and sadly a few times when parents did not come back home alive. Choosing the school wasn't snobbery or prestige and not even about how it would, in time suit my younger child. For the year that my son had lifts to and from school he did like it and he has settled well . This school year has been different and that is why we now need to make some changes. I never want my older son to be unhappy, I will obviously miss having him about so much but I'm willing to give the trial with his dad a go.

Show quote history

Emmm your op?
To avoid drip feed there is a school closer to home that my son preferred but I overruled him because the school we chose is less academically selective so his younger brother is more likely to be able to join him. My older son says I'm making him suffer for the sake of his brother. What would you do?
You overruled him because at some point in the future it will be better for his brother?
That must feel great 'you don't matter now or in the future'.

Original poster
Saturdayagain · 12/10/2024 22:12

AdultChildQuestion · 12/10/2024 21:59

What I read from this is that your older son's wishes regarding school were overridden/ignored because you wanted him to go to the school that suited your younger son. Now that the journey to the s hool you insisted he go to has become unmanageable for him, you want to override his idea of mining with his dad during week because you want him at home with you and younger son. Is that to help you with the younger son maybe?

I see your update that you're willing to trial his staying with his dad during the week, but hope you can see how terribly selfish you have been. Why could your older son not have gone to the school he wanted, and your younger son to the one that suits him? Or does your older son's enrolment ease the way for the younger son?

Be careful you don't lose your older son through all this, if you haven't already (might not be noticeable now, but it will be in time).

I think your take is a bit strong. Can't I admit that I will miss my son? because with my ex husband being away so much of the time with his job the three of us are close. The boys do get on well and my older son has helped me to get a balance between helping the younger one and babying him. It was my elder son who said I should not move his younger brother from the primary school because he knows from his time there what a lovely school it is. My older son admitted tonight that he does like his current school, it's just the travel he hates. The trial will be good for all of us. My younger son will continue to see his father every other weekend and just under 3 years I will move to somewhere nearer to my ex so that my younger son can join his brother at the secondary school. I'm so thankful that my ex and I are still on such good terms so we can have civilised discussions about what is best for both our children.

OP posts:
Nsky62 · 12/10/2024 22:12

AngelinaFibres · 12/10/2024 21:42

My brother has a medical condition. My entire teenage years and even the timings of my wedding day were organised around his needs.Your older son has my absolute sympathy. We went to the only state school in the area so I wasn't shipped off to a school miles away that suited my brother better but absolutely everything revolved around him. It still does and were both nearly 60.

Understandable, def not fair

DoreenonTill8 · 12/10/2024 22:18

My younger son will continue to see his father every other weekend and just under 3 years I will move to somewhere nearer to my ex so that my younger son can join his brother at the secondary school.
So you won't move or let your older child move to make things better for him now, but once it will make your younger child's life better you'll move?
How to say you have a favourite child!

Original poster
Saturdayagain · 12/10/2024 22:22

DoreenonTill8 · 12/10/2024 22:18

My younger son will continue to see his father every other weekend and just under 3 years I will move to somewhere nearer to my ex so that my younger son can join his brother at the secondary school.
So you won't move or let your older child move to make things better for him now, but once it will make your younger child's life better you'll move?
How to say you have a favourite child!

I see you selectively quoted the bit to fit your argument but failed to include the earlier part of that post bit where I explained that my older son doesn't want me or my younger son to move at the moment!

OP posts:
Bearybasket · 12/10/2024 22:28

As difficult as it may be for you I have a feeling it may be a good move for your older dc to move to dads house during the week, not only because it makes his school day much more manageable, but it will also allow both boys to get more 1-1 attention.
Even with the best most committed parents, growing up with a disabled or chronically ill sibling can be challenging at times for children and I imagine it must be difficult for you at times to make sure you’re giving them both the attention they need.

SamPoodle123 · 13/10/2024 07:26

I would put your son first hear. Let him do a trial near his dad and if that does not work, let him switch schools if he wants to the closer one. Not sure why you would make him select a school based on his younger brother being able to get in.....when the younger one will join 4 years later? It would have been best to let him select a school that suits him and not his younger brother who won't even join until 4 years later. Too late now though and hopefully he is happy at the school.

Bunnycat101 · 13/10/2024 08:41

I think it’s good that you’ve been willing to do the trial. I can see from your son’s point of view he’s had to pick a school he didn’t prefer because of the younger brother (from your original post) and is doing a tough commute. That may not be the intention but he’ll have been hearing the message that the younger one is more important.

It can be really difficult for siblings in a household with a disabled sibling. I used to work a lot with young carers and you can see the internal conflicts they often have. Even if he’s not directly caring, his life will be different to some of his friends and peers. Time at his dad’s may be good for him for lots of reasons.

lanthanum · 13/10/2024 21:24

Something you should check out: if you are expecting the sibling rule to help your younger child get a place at the secondary, double-check whether that applies if they are not living (primarily) in the same household. It's probably okay, given that they both spend time at both addresses, but worth checking what the rules are in your area.

DoreenonTill8 · 13/10/2024 21:40

Saturdayagain · 12/10/2024 22:22

I see you selectively quoted the bit to fit your argument but failed to include the earlier part of that post bit where I explained that my older son doesn't want me or my younger son to move at the moment!

Show quote history

t was my elder son who said I should not move his younger brother from the primary school because he knows from his time there what a lovely school it is.
That's all you've said.
So older ds has to for 4 YEARS do exhausting travel to a school he doesn't like so he and his bro can go to the same school for his last 2 years? So actually 6 years for him, but for his last 2 you'll take him as it's better for his brother?

Hedonism · 13/10/2024 21:43

To avoid drip feed there is a school closer to home that my son preferred but I overruled him because the school we chose is less academically selective so his younger brother is more likely to be able to join him. My older son says I'm making him suffer for the sake of his brother.

Wellllll...... I can see his point!

I hope the trial goes well.

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