Splitting family up for school

[Saturdayagain]

My marriage ended three years ago. Before the divorce was finalised we had decided to apply to a school for our elder son which is a bit of a long journey from home. It is private but not as high profile as some. My son started in Sept 2023 and he got a lift in with another boy who lived locally. I did the return school run 3 nights a week and it was going ok. Unfortunately the other family have had to move away, (military family). My work has also changed so I can't pick him up after school either. This means that my son now has a long bus journey then quite a walk of 20 minutes into school other end. He hates the extra early time he now has to leave in the morning and later he gets home. Not helping is that in the last few weeks he has got wet so often.

His father has now moved to a house about 15 minutes from the school. My son now wants to move to live with his dad during the week. I know he is unhappy and tired but I don't really want him to move to his dad's and leave me and his younger brother. My ex has said he is very sympathetic to my son and is prepared to have him live with him. The only alternative is to move to a school nearer to where I live but the school is good. Should I let my son go or not?

To avoid drip feed there is a school closer to home that my son preferred but I overruled him because the school we chose is less academically selective so his younger brother is more likely to be able to join him. My older son says I'm making him suffer for the sake of his brother. What would you do?

Id compromise and let him go to the other school, you'll end up losing both to their dad's home. You can't have it both ways, either let him move home or school. That journey sounds torturous

He stays with dad from Monday after school til Friday morning to school
Or switch to closer school

You can't keep making him do that journey.

Let him stay with his dad of course - why not? He’s going to get to an age very soon when he’ll take himself off there with or without your blessing - far better that it’s with.

Let him choose - dad's or change school. The status quo isn't fair.

Is moving nearer the school an option? If not I think you need to let him go to his dads.

Let him choose. Move to Dads or change school.
Bit shit for him to have his wants and comfort ridden rough shod over to suit his sibling who's not even at the school?
When the sibling who the school is actually for goes, will he be made to walk too, or will he get taken there and back?

I think the current situation is daft.
If the journey isn't manageable then move schools or stay at dad's.
His younger brother will end up with the same issue too.

What is the total journey time for him?

This. You don’t get to have it both ways. You overruled his own preference for his own school, and now he’s in your school and utterly miserable, you’re overriding his choice to make his life a little bit easier. It seems like you’re considering everyone’s feelings rather than his. Just let him move to his dad’s through the week if that’s what he wants. Moving schools now is going to piss around with his education even if it is his preference

I've spoken to my son and ex again tonight. We are going to do a trial run up until Christmas to see if it really suits him and his dad. My ex and I do still get on well and we both want what is best for both children. My ex has had the boys to stay eow since we split so he is used to weekend routine but by his own admission he's never before had to do the Monday to Friday grind (his job used to take him away for weeks at a time and I stayed home to do the parenting). We will see how it pans out.

Moving schools now is going to piss around with his education even if it is his preference

Has he just started Yr8? If so it's not an issue as many boys change schools at Yr9.

I

So what will you do when your younger ds starts at the same school? Will he move in with his dad as well? Can you not just move nearer to the school yourself if you're dead set on that particular school?

You can't go to the school of your choice because of your brother and you can't live with your dad to make it more manageable either because I don't want you to is what your son probably hears from all this.

The trial run is a good idea. It shows you are willing to listen to him.

If the plan is for the brother to go there as well I'd look into moving nearer if needs be. Otherwise everyone is unhappy.

My younger son is only in year 4 so by the time he moves to secondary I will be able to move. I don't want to move now because the younger son has a physical disability and his current primary school have been great at making the necessary adjustments to enable him to join in everything and flourish.

Fair enough.

Understandable, perhaps, given the disability, but it does seem as if everything revolves around your younger ds at the moment, without much focus on the older son's needs. I think it's good that you're going to try letting him live at his dad's for a while, as it will do him good to feel that his needs are being considered. Otherwise, it seems very likely that he'll just end up resenting his younger brother.

I'm not criticising by the way. It's very easy to see how this can happen when one child is disabled, but at the end of the day, the non-disabled child is entitled to feel that their needs matter too.

I was thinking from more of a mental health point of view. His opinion wasn’t important or taken into consideration at the time. Now he’s in the school he didn’t want to go to, but he’ll be settled in the school, familiar with the teachers and have established friendship groups and routines. And then a couple of years in his mum says to him ‘oh it is a bit shit for you after all, I’ve changed my mind and decided you can go to the school I said was no good a couple of years ago’, and then pulls him out. It was a stupid decision to pick a school based on what lifts she could get off people at the time. And it reads like she potentially wanted him to go to that school to boast about it a bit. She’d rather the prestigious school rather than the one that was actually better for her son. If this was about the quality of his education then she’d still be insisting on the same school. Not doing a 180 turn because the new circumstances have made it inconvenient for her now

I think staying in the week with his Dad is a good idea. Private schools have long days, especially when you throw in extra-curriculars. Often kids end up basically being day boarders anyway. I don’t think that much quality family time goes
on during the week.

My brother has a medical condition. My entire teenage years and even the timings of my wedding day were organised around his needs.Your older son has my absolute sympathy. We went to the only state school in the area so I wasn't shipped off to a school miles away that suited my brother better but absolutely everything revolved around him. It still does and were both nearly 60.

If it does pan out Ok you need to think about when ds2 starts. Is he also going to spend weekdays with their df? In which case you might want to think about moving if you want to play a bigger role educationally.

Sorry cross post. I see you will be in a position to move in a couple of years, so this is a shortish term thing.

But you don't seem to bother about what makes your other child flourish?

I felt the OP was long enough but I think that for context I should add that the secondary school my son attends was recommended by friends because they found it to be inclusive and understanding of children in our situation. My ex isn't in the military but his work is allied to it. His work patterns used to be very similar to military and this school is used to helping children cope with parents being away for months at a time and sadly a few times when parents did not come back home alive. Choosing the school wasn't snobbery or prestige and not even about how it would, in time suit my younger child. For the year that my son had lifts to and from school he did like it and he has settled well . This school year has been different and that is why we now need to make some changes. I never want my older son to be unhappy, I will obviously miss having him about so much but I'm willing to give the trial with his dad a go.

Why don’t you move closer to school

I explained in a post earlier that my younger son has a physical disability and his current primary school have been great at meeting his needs. My older son and ex husband both accept that to move my younger son now would not be fair to him. The primary school is all on one level and he can access everywhere. I do not doubt that other primary schools do meet the needs of children with disabilities but we have been so lucky to get such support from the school that as a family we all agree that my younger son should stay at his current school if at all possible.

What I read from this is that your older son's wishes regarding school were overridden/ignored because you wanted him to go to the school that suited your younger son. Now that the journey to the s hool you insisted he go to has become unmanageable for him, you want to override his idea of mining with his dad during week because you want him at home with you and younger son. Is that to help you with the younger son maybe?

I see your update that you're willing to trial his staying with his dad during the week, but hope you can see how terribly selfish you have been. Why could your older son not have gone to the school he wanted, and your younger son to the one that suits him? Or does your older son's enrolment ease the way for the younger son?

Be careful you don't lose your older son through all this, if you haven't already (might not be noticeable now, but it will be in time).