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Original poster

Are our children resilient?

60 replies

Applesandbananaz · 01/10/2024 17:13

DC's primary school is completely against competition in any form. They are worried about those who don't win becoming demotivated and upset as a result of the competition. I can understand this viewpoint in the early years of education, but by Key Stage 2 surely they need some competition? The school have also experienced parents getting very irate when faced with their child losing a particular competition, so prefer not to enter into any of it.

I have always assumed that learning to fail and pick yourself back up again is a crucial life lesson, and that without being put in situations where you might not come out on top, your are unlikely to be building much resilience. Am I wrong? What other ways can we ensure our children are building resilience?

OP posts:
twistyizzy · 01/10/2024 20:46

XelaM · 01/10/2024 20:01

🥶Don't do it! It starts out as an innocent weekend activity and then like me you end up with 3 horses and a horse lorry and spend your weekends covered in muck, sleeping in barely human conditions at stay away shows and constantly wet, cold, dirty and broke😅

Also... dealing with crazy horse people 😳

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But it definitely builds resilience. DD got to PC Champs and the team came 17th out of 44. Although on paper that doesn't look amazing, it was a massive achievement and they were proud of themselves whilst also acknowledging the amazing skills of teams placed above them.
As long as she rides well then she can accept any placing and can celebrate the achievement of others or equally be gracious in victory. It is also such a great leveller, 1 week winning and the next your face buried in the arena eating sand!!
Horse riding and care of horses should be mandatory in the curriculum (only half joking!).

casapenguin · 01/10/2024 20:48

Frowningprovidence · 01/10/2024 20:09

I also dont view the world like a big competition but I think the idea of the artificial constructs is to practice the emotions in a safe way. (I don't think competition is the only way to do this either)

You must have felt disappointed at some point for not getting a job, or just missing a bus. It's not that these were competitions, but the idea is aged 4, 5, 6 and so on you experience losing or failing at silly little games and tasks, but you also experience help, support, ideas to improve, second chances, alternatives and so on. Then, when you miss the bus you know the feeling passes, you can call whoever you were meeting to say you will be late, look up next bus, find shelter. Rather than sitting in a heap crying

Yes I think independence is so important and ‘life skills’. Interestingly when I was in a special school we were soooooo much better at this because we needed to explicitly teach life skills. However there are plenty of kids in mainstream secondary I worked with who had never eg. been to a shop by themselves, year 11s who’s never got a bus etc.

Original poster
Applesandbananaz · 01/10/2024 20:48

HermioneWeasley · 01/10/2024 20:35

Im not sure competition and resilience are the same thing

but no, young people almost revel in their lack of resilience - it’s all films of them crying in cars, messages and memes about being exhausted after perfectly normal stuff, self care, micro aggressions etc. they all need to toughen up.

Oh no I don't think competition and resilience are the same thing either - I just wonder if competition in primary schools, when done well can help build resilience. I have enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts on other things which build resilience too.

OP posts:
Babbahabba · 01/10/2024 20:58

Sports Day is a waste of time unless you have a sporty child. Just don't see the point of it. Should optional to take part. I see value in being fit and healthy but being good at sport isn't important unless you want to go into that as a career.

Frowningprovidence · 01/10/2024 21:02

casapenguin · 01/10/2024 20:48

Yes I think independence is so important and ‘life skills’. Interestingly when I was in a special school we were soooooo much better at this because we needed to explicitly teach life skills. However there are plenty of kids in mainstream secondary I worked with who had never eg. been to a shop by themselves, year 11s who’s never got a bus etc.

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I think that's where my view comes from. My child has SEn and we had to explicitly teach him a lot of things. Board games have been so useful for this.

I do sound like I am really into competition when I'm actually not. I can just see that it can be a useful tool in a tool kit.

casapenguin · 01/10/2024 21:15

Frowningprovidence · 01/10/2024 21:02

I think that's where my view comes from. My child has SEn and we had to explicitly teach him a lot of things. Board games have been so useful for this.

I do sound like I am really into competition when I'm actually not. I can just see that it can be a useful tool in a tool kit.

Show quote history

I think board games/card games are such a great way of ‘teaching’ emotional regulation. This is the kind of competition I can get behind! Especially ones like frustration or uno where your chance of winning can really change. Even as an adult I struggle with Monopoly cos it winds me up so much if I start losing - learning not to be sore loser in those circumstances is very valuable!

LunaLibrarian · 01/10/2024 23:35

Are there any academic competitions in primary school? It seems odd to me that no one so much as talks about how they are doing academically but then we pit the children directly against one another in sports in full view of all the children and parents.

tolerable · 02/10/2024 01:24

its shit-cold hard truth is for some kids their absolute finest ever moment is being ble to run like fuck,pass the baton. its fine woosie it back to its the take part that counts. but ffs name nd share the ones who deserve the glory.
if kids have to be resiliant-they needy learn to deal with that

JudgeJ · 02/10/2024 02:10

AgainandagainandagainSS · 01/10/2024 19:14

Resilient? You wait until June/July come around. MN will be full of parents seeking endorsement to withdraw their children from sports day and spend the day indulging them because they can’t cope with being last. And give it a few weeks into term, they will be bleating over their precious darling crying over not getting star of the week.

Life’s unfair kids. Remember that.

100% agree, it's very ironic to read on MN about lack of resilience and how schools should be encouraging it when the majority of parents on here are the worst offenders! Still not fully grown, at 25, never walked to school and fretting come September about getting to High School, yes, I know some live too far away but many don't.

JudgeJ · 02/10/2024 02:17

Goldbar · 01/10/2024 19:32

At some point (preferably before mid-primary school) they have to learn how to respond with good grace to the achievements and good things that happen to other people.

When they're toddlers going to birthday parties and they have a little tantrum when they're told they can't blow out the candles and that pile of presents is for someone else.

When their friend has a new toy that they want.

When someone else gets the 'Star of the Week' award in football club.

When the child next to them in class is better at Maths or can write more quickly than they came.

If there is no competition and no failure/seeing others succeed, then all of these lessons are just postponed and have to be learned later on in life when people have much less sympathy for inappropriate emotional responses.

I always remember my first essay in my teacher training course, 'Without Problems There Can Be No Growth ' and that is so true, giving up at the first hint of difficulty gets you nowhere.

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