Are our children resilient?

[Applesandbananaz]

DC's primary school is completely against competition in any form. They are worried about those who don't win becoming demotivated and upset as a result of the competition. I can understand this viewpoint in the early years of education, but by Key Stage 2 surely they need some competition? The school have also experienced parents getting very irate when faced with their child losing a particular competition, so prefer not to enter into any of it.

I have always assumed that learning to fail and pick yourself back up again is a crucial life lesson, and that without being put in situations where you might not come out on top, your are unlikely to be building much resilience. Am I wrong? What other ways can we ensure our children are building resilience?

I actually think that things are a lot better now in schools. More about encouragement and making children feel important. I would much rather have this approach for my son than to be told that everything I did was bottom of the class as happened to me. Had zero help and a lot of being bullied. I actually think children are incredibly hardy these days, they are subjected to a lot in their lives and have to be to get through.

At some point (preferably before mid-primary school) they have to learn how to respond with good grace to the achievements and good things that happen to other people.

When they're toddlers going to birthday parties and they have a little tantrum when they're told they can't blow out the candles and that pile of presents is for someone else.

When their friend has a new toy that they want.

When someone else gets the 'Star of the Week' award in football club.

When the child next to them in class is better at Maths or can write more quickly than they came.

If there is no competition and no failure/seeing others succeed, then all of these lessons are just postponed and have to be learned later on in life when people have much less sympathy for inappropriate emotional responses.

Surely intrinsic motivation is far more important than a star of the week certificate. The competition is essential mindset is lazy teaching and parenting. Ask yourself why you are so desperate for little jimmy to win the 3- legged race? Most competitions disproportionately reward a small amount of children. For a lot of children they're stressful and demotivating.

As an adult I am in a senior position at work. I haven't got their through "winning" and "competing." I've got there through hard work, knowing how to work collaboratively and an awareness of my strengths and limitations.

Yes I think so. Resilience is actually not just an inner quality one of the keys ways to build resilience is to have support.

plus children are learning so need people to model how they should be when they lose, what they might feel, but also talk about what they did well and a little goal for next time. Which might not be win. It might be this time you tied your own shoelaces, next time you will do a good start.

I'm a teacher and there is plenty of healthy competition in my school. It's a normal part of life and unfortunately we can't always win.

@Applesandbananaz it sounds like it’s an issue that’s been caused by parents at the school. I’m a teacher and where I work we enter lots of competitive team events and you wouldn’t believe the amount of complaints we get from parents because their precious child really wanted to be in the team for xyz and hasn’t been selected. We get parents asking when it’s their child’s ‘turn’. We’ve also had complaints if other talented children have been picked on more than one occasion. It’s the same with things like the main parts in plays and shows.

My guess would be that the school have had enough and so have decided not to make anything competitive at all. Now they will be getting complaints about this decision instead.

I agree with the parent snowploughing comment. It doesn’t translate in the real world or working life. It makes you wonder what will become of this generation.

Am definitely not in favour of a "Star of the week" being brought in as this becomes arbitrary is meaningless and lazy.

I completely agree that intrinsic motivation is more important than winning for an external prize. And I am not wanting Little Tommy to win at all costs, in fact I want little Tommy to experience failure in a supportive environment where they are helped by adults to try again and again.

How did you get to your position without competing? We're there not others who wanted the same job as you/ degree course? I am genuinely curious, not trying to be inflammatory.

Yes I think you've hit the nail on the head. And how sad is that?

🥶Don't do it! It starts out as an innocent weekend activity and then like me you end up with 3 horses and a horse lorry and spend your weekends covered in muck, sleeping in barely human conditions at stay away shows and constantly wet, cold, dirty and broke😅

Also... dealing with crazy horse people 😳

As an adult I experience very little of the type of competitive constructs schools often deploy (sports day, end of year awards, etc). I also don’t view life as one big competition, generally steer away from competitive sports, and have trouble getting into things like board games or pub quizzes - I find these things a bit tedious and don’t really enjoy the artificial conflict they create. I have had a very successful career and have found loads of non-competitive hobbies and activities that I enjoy. You talk about ‘competing’ for jobs but I never really viewed a job search in those terms of winners/losers - for me it was more akin to dating, and I would be insulted if someone asked me how I ‘won’ my husband.

I think your mindset is maybe biased because you are someone who responds positively to out and out competition- it has been instructive for you, and maybe motivational for you, and has framed how you view life. There’s nothing wrong with that, but not everyone is the same. It is possible to experience disappointment or failure and build resilience in so many other, healthier and more inclusive ways than the artificial construct of competition. There isn’t a reliable link between competition and resilience that you claim.

Intrinsic motivation is important, but doesn’t work when children simply aren’t motivated because they haven’t chosen the thing they are expected to work hard at and they’d prefer to do something else instead. Sometimes it’s the element of competition that makes an otherwise boring activity seem more interesting.

I also dont view the world like a big competition but I think the idea of the artificial constructs is to practice the emotions in a safe way. (I don't think competition is the only way to do this either)

You must have felt disappointed at some point for not getting a job, or just missing a bus. It's not that these were competitions, but the idea is aged 4, 5, 6 and so on you experience losing or failing at silly little games and tasks, but you also experience help, support, ideas to improve, second chances, alternatives and so on. Then, when you miss the bus you know the feeling passes, you can call whoever you were meeting to say you will be late, look up next bus, find shelter. Rather than sitting in a heap crying

This is one of the many problems with Curriculum for excellence in Scotland. Everyone is on their own learning pathway and cannot be compared to peers right up until they have to switch to being comfortable being some of the most over examined children in the word with three straight years of exams.

My kids had/have no competitive elements in primary school. There are a couple of different reading groups but that is it. No academic prizes or recognition at all.

No actually, quite the opposite - tall poppy syndrome, if taken too far. Really not done to big yourself up, be seen to beat other kids, or generally stick out as “better”. Much more focus on everyone working as a team, taking everyone with you.

Same at work, no “bantz” because it is just read as mean spirited, no showing off about your own achievements, lots of congratulating your team for helping you achieve things instead. Actually really nice place to work, but takes a bit of adjusting if you’ve come from a UK working environment.

How did you get to your position without competing? We're there not others who wanted the same job as you/ degree course? I am genuinely curious, not trying to be inflammatory.

i rose to partner in a professional services firm - very senior in my line of work. I am not remotely competitive and I think that has been an asset. I pursue things that interest me and have strong intrinsic motivation to be the best I can be , not relative to my peers, which is often a more aspirational target. I also am really good at collaborating and promoting other people’s talent, which is critical for growing a business.

as mentioned above, I viewed university and then job prospects as more of a matchmaking process than a competition with others. There are endless opportunities in the big bad adult world, not including the ones you create for yourself, so I have never agonised for long over a rejection. It’s a bit like not getting called back for a second date - maybe a momentary disappointment, but not a ‘loss’ as I want to be with someone/ in an organisation that is as excited about me as I am about them.

OR they need to learn how to generate intrinsic motivation. Children need support with that, but it is such a valuable life skill to be able to motivate yourself.

This is why I agree with an earlier poster who views constant competition as a bit lazy as a motivational tool even when it is effective for some children in the short term.

Thank God for the sanity of this post. 🙏🏻

Children do not need friggin’ sports day to teach them about competition. They learn it from day 1 in a classroom. The country needs skills in empathy and critical thinking not gloating and winning medals ‘cause someone ran faster with a spoon. 🙄

That’s really interesting as the evidence definitely doesn’t suggest they’re more hardy. I would say they are very much less resilient than previous generations - but for lots of complex reasons.

Thank you for this post. This is exactly how I feel about competition in a safe environment, with the teaching, support and nurturing of adults.

I also do not view the world as one big competition either!

@XelaM it sounds like your own resilience is being tested daily!! 🤣

Im not sure competition and resilience are the same thing

but no, young people almost revel in their lack of resilience - it’s all films of them crying in cars, messages and memes about being exhausted after perfectly normal stuff, self care, micro aggressions etc. they all need to toughen up.

Some things are naturally competitive- chess, football
Other things are not- music, poetry writing

For example, with music, I don't see any virtue in false motivation provided by giving prizes for playing the piano better than someone else- motivation for things should come out of the nature of the thing in itself. The motivation to work hard and do your best comes from the enjoyment of learning the music, and the chance to perform; children don't then need the additional motivation of being encouraged to compete about who is a better pianist.

I personally think the ‘real life’ examples you’ve given are very valid but very different from the kind of competition schools generally get into. Your examples are really relevant but you’d be making many different decisions to get to those points, there would be particular criteria, you’d bring your individual experiences and skills etc. Schools tend to go for stuff like house points which I HATE. It’s just not meaningful and it doesn’t help kids understand their own skills or really give them a chance to develop self esteem. It’s juts competition for the sake of it.

Completely agree with a pp who talks about tree climbing etc, resilience is also linked to risk, so arguably schools being less risk averse is also part of it. Also opportunities for kids to essentially mess about a bit and resolve conflict by themselves (within reason). I always liked competition to be pretty low stakes eg. board games, or playground football matches etc.

@Labraradabrador thank you for your responses to my post. I have read through your other replies and I think what is really clear is that we are all different and that what motivates or encourages one person is not right for another. It sounds like you have a really clear sense of self, and I wonder if some of that has come from being "forced" to compete in a sports day (or other school competition) at some point in your life and realising that it absolutely is not motivating or helpful for you.

It seems a shame that competition has been completely eradicated from DC's school, so that they will not learn whether it is for them or not.

I like your idea of having an opt-in for things like sports day and then it being a competition for those who want to compete. I definitely hate the idea of the whole day causing massive anxiety in anyone.

"How did you get to your position without competing? We're there not others who wanted the same job as you/ degree course? I am genuinely curious, not trying to be inflammatory."

I've chosen a career I'm genuinely passionate and interested in and I've worked hard. I've turned down promotions that I haven't felt have been suitable and I've accepted others, but with "progression" and "success" never being my goal. Of course I have had interviews where I haven't been successful and that's fine.

I have worked with very competitive people and it breeds an undeserved, fragile ego and crap morale in a team.
I disagree that competition teaches you how to lose gracefully. You can mask losing gracefully and still feel shit about yourself.
Resilience comes from security and a strong sense of self. That's what we need to promote with our children.

I am never going to judge my self worth on "winning" something and I hope with everything that my children won't.