Can you be a good mum and a good teacher?

[twinkletoesimnot]

'I didn't feel I was a good mum, or a good teacher' www.bbc.com/news/articles/c51yzv95wg9o

I see lots of threads on here asking about retraining as a teacher and if it is compatible with family life.
The above article goes some way to explain it.
I went into teaching quite late (37) when my last child started reception. I am fairly lucky that I am allowed to leave to get her from school once a week during my PPA and that our schools are federated so we have the occasional event or trip together.
However, there is no wrap around care at her small, rural school (not that I could afford to use it!) and my husband has had to swap jobs to ensure more flexibility so that he can do most drop offs and pick ups.
The biggest thing for me is that it is incredibly hard to find a work/life balance.
On an average week I work approx 55 hours and there is always more to do.
I always feel that if I'm doing a good job at school then I've dropped the ball at home and constantly guilty / thinking about work when spending time with my family. In this summer holiday I agreed with my husband that I would not do any work until the last 2 weeks of the holiday.

I cannot imagine being able to do my job effectively with a baby or pre-school age child. I am in awe of those that do.

This really needs to change.

I know that there are other jobs where this will be similar and am not trying to say that teachers are special before the bashing starts, but this is a real problem.

I qualified in the mid 90s aged 27 and got pregnant in my first year of teaching. Have had three kids and with the exception of two full maternity leaves and a two year gap with DC 1 have worked full time since then. At times it’s been difficult- especially as I got divorced and moved 20 years ago. For the last 20 years I’ve also done a daily two hour commute . It worked for me as my first DH was pretty flexible and did his bit and DH 2 is a teacher and all the kids went to his school. There were times when it felt very hectic and I felt I wasn’t doing either thing brilliantly BUT - teaching and parenting are similar in that there is always more you could do. It’s meant I’ve developed good boundaries and am pretty efficient with planning and marking. Now, at 57 I’m glad I stuck at it full time- I’ve got a great pension and have more mental space for my job. I am lucky in that my current school, where I’ve been 20 years, is fantastic.

I couldn’t do it. I taught for 6 years before I had my first, went back 4 days a week when she was 9 months and it was genuinely a living hell. I dropped her at 7am and picked her up at 5 and that still meant leaving school before all my colleagues. Rushed her home, dinner, bedtime etc I didn’t sit down until 9pm - then had to prepare for tomorrow’s lessons. Anyone who thinks it’s a family friendly career would be in for a massive shock. My husband is not a teacher, he worked 9-5 and his life was far less stressful than mine. I used to have to send my daughter to her childminder in the holidays anyway as there was always something to do - Easter revision, making lesson PowerPoints and resources etc. Teaching also has changed beyond all recognition. SLT at my old school were almost sadistic in their behaviour. Doing lesson drop ins at the worst times with the worst classes etc. I did it for ten years and I will never do it again.

DH and I are both teachers. I am primary, he is secondary. I was able to work part-time until DC were 10 and 7 which was manageable. Due to a combination of factors, including pressure from school, I returned to full-time. I have found it really stressful - feel like I'm not doing enough either at home or school. We have both parents at home in the holidays, which is great but term-time is so challenging. Primary-aged DC has been at breakfast and after-school club every day for years. Elder DC had to bring herself home and let herself in and stay alone until we got home since she started secondary.

Elder DC has developed severe anxiety over tha last couple of years and EBSA. She has been diagnosed with autism. Since age 13 she has only been able to attend school part-time and has to often stay home alone, or come and sit with me in my classroom which the HT sometimes allows but is also stressful for DD. Because of missing so much school I try to help her catch up in the evenings but I also have my own work to do so it's so difficult to fit everything in. It's also been so difficult to try to arrange therapy and assessments for DC because I am never free during the day and also have days after school with long meetings.

Both of us have tried to reduce our hours a bit but schools will not accept. DH has to do a few more months for his pension then is hopefully going to do some home-based tutoring or find a part-time role. Really feel like I've let my own DC down and am often tired and stressed so not doing the best for the children I teach either.

I saw on the news about introducing greater flexibility for teachers around start/end times and flexible timetables. Really can't see how this would work for primary teachers who are often women with children.

I don’t understand how the flexibility can work in primary either. I am able to take my PPA at home already but in practice it isn’t as great as it seems - as it is a morning session so clock watching knowing I have to be in ready to teach at 11:15.
I just don’t see how it can work, are they going to employ teachers just to do registers and assembly or just tidy up and story time in the afternoon.

I wonder what the PPA at home plan will look like in practice as well. Ours is 9.15-11.45 so we have to be there either side of that slot. If we could have the whole morning at home, that would be great.

I presume heads won’t have to offer this which is a bit rubbish.

Then it is the same question. ‘Can you be a good mum and a….’

That isn't what this thread is about, why not start one about your job?

I work in SEN. My largest class is 9. I don’t take any work home, ever! It’s the best of both worlds as my own time can be spent with my family

I was an effective teacher, but you’d have to ask my grown up children about whether I was a good mother. I think I probably was when they were small, because I was very part time, but full time meant they fended for themselves quite a lot.

This.

I have decided that this year it will
Not be like this. DD is preparing for GCSE's and I am going to be home to make sure she is supported and well fed. Wish me luck.

I feel I am good at both but I do have an amazing DH and he worked PT/flexible hours when our dc were young. I have always worked FT.

I do also think it depends on the school. My dc are now late primary/early secondary but I have never missed a nativity because my school let me take leave of absence to attend, knowing that I would go above and beyond for them at other times.

I agree something has to give in terms of flexibility just because it is increasingly difficult to recruit teachers when other professions allow for greater flexibility/wfh.

DH & I both teach. Term time is tough but the holidays are the trade off. My dc have both expressed at different times that they wish we picked them up from school / worked less etc but when presented with the options that would allow that have said they prefer the status quo. I think feeling like you’re not really doing any of life particularly well is probably what most of us feel in our 30s & 40s, regardless of our jobs.

And I think there are some things about being a teacher that make me a good parent as well - positive behaviour management, academic support, really good understanding of child development.

A support system is essential - we have an amazing childminder, grandparents who support if dc are ill, good friends who help with early mornings / late evenings when needed. I think it would be really tough for someone changing careers who was used to being the default parent as there is a real lack of flexibility in the role.

Mum and ex teacher here. I had another career until 40 and that was impossible ( marketing) and unpredictable. You may as well just say ‘can I be a good lawyer/banker/doctor/scientist/etc and a good mum’?

I don’t know any professional job that doesn’t bleed into evening and weekends or put enormous pressure on women around sick days, holidays and so on. At least I didn’t have holidays to cover and I could bring work home to mark rather than having to stay in the office.

Teachers are not unique in their parental stresses but we should all be looking at the world of work and how it impacts parents and families. Other European countries have less presentism, more part time, more shared parental leave; as women we should be trying to change all outdated models and not just feel teachers are a special case.

BTW I found teaching (secondary) much easier to manage with children than my previous job. I missed a lot of Sundays but it was usually only 6 weeks until the next holiday!

No, I couldn't be a good mum and a good full time (or even part-time!) teacher. I had to quit. I refused to work more than 10 hours a day. I then encountered issues with childcare as my childminder quit, leaving me to get my children to school for 8:40 but had to be at work for 8:20. It was impossible.

I was a full time teacher. It isn't just the long hours, but the intensity of the role. 30 little people requiring attention all day. Then a whole other job once they'd gone home.

It impacted on my family. Some evenings I could hardly hold a conversation with my own DC’s.

Final straw was after a 7.00am start, I was considering whether it was unreasonable to bath and put the DC’s to bed ( and not tell them the time). It was 5.30!

In our family no professional job bleeds into other areas except teaching.

Just thinking of the friends and family I have with similar levels of experience/qualifications-I don’t think any of them work in the evenings/weekends like this. Some need to put in hours with additional work occasionally when there’s a crisis/deadline but this generally brings time off in lieu with it.

I went part time when mine were little and then quit- returned when they were 11. I said I was focusing on other people’s kids rather than my own.

I think that part of the issue with teaching is that we compress the work of a full year job into 39 weeks, in addition it is so inflexible.

Greater flexibility and less contact time would be the 2 biggest things they could do to retain teachers.

There aren’t many jobs that require you to work several hours each evening and every weekend to keep on top of things. It will vary by school, but under previous management I was at school from 7-5:30, and working once children were in bed from 9-midnight. And that was doing bare minimum. Doing all that and then being told you should be grateful as it’s a “vocation”. 😂

Why did you drop her at 7.00 if your husband didn’t start work till 9.00? And if he finished at 5, why were you doing dinner/bath/bedtime?

…her childminder was next to my school and he worked in the opposite direction. We did everything together because she is disabled and needs extra care 🙄

The only way I can get a decent work life balance is by working only two days a week.

I'm lucky though that my husband is a very high earner so we can afford to do this.

If I had to work full time, I'd be completely broken. I certainly wouldn't still be teaching.

I want to quit now really, on just two days, because the job annoys me far more in other ways.

This really does make sad reading..... although it doesn't surprise me.

I'm not sure how it can be sorted though.
It's ok to make lists of tacks teachers shouldn't do, but who else will do them?

It is also obvious that some schools are much better than others!

Tasks *

I neglected my DS working as a teacher. I thought I was setting a good example and that I was building him a better future. He will be forever 14 instead.

Getting out of teaching was the best thing I’ve ever done for my children. I actually have time and energy to spend with them. Moved to the Civil Service.