Private school bursary people please help!

[reallyconfusedmostofthetime]

My daughter has been unhappy at her private prep. She's due to move to the senior school this sept. She was promised she could move to her preferred house. Instead she's been put in a house with girls she finds intimidating.
At the 11th hr we've found her a new school.
Her current head is asking for us to pay her notice period at full fees. We have a bursary so this is double what we would normally pay.
We don't have to pay full fees if she stays at the school for her notice period.
She's pretty upset that she can't move with everyone else at the start of the year.
I'm considering selling a kidney 😬
Her current school is a super shiney successful popular growing school.
I know it's not the end of the world and we'll get through it but is he being a dick or is it actually reasonable?

I think there should be some wriggle room there, we were considering moving DC at Easter but hadn't realised that the notice period would have to go in before the start of the Lent term - we tried on the first day of term, anyway we we offered a large discount off the terms notice but choose to wait until September. I think its really up to the head and whatever is in your contract.

Can you not talk to her existing school about a change of house again?

A term’s notice is standard.

I haven't yet read all the replies. But I will. I just wanted to apologise for not putting more details. I didn't want to put people off by having too much to read.
She's moving to another private school, smaller, selective. We applied earlier in the yr and then they couldn't offer a discount. They did when we asked again. It's not as much of a discount but it's close to her current school fees.
She has been seeing a brilliant school counsellor and the prep pastoral team through the year. She's been exhibiting some worrying behaviour at home and at school.
She has a twin brother and we went through an almost identical situation with him, dealt with the same pastoral team, where he was so unhappy he wouldn't attend school. We moved him to a grammar school and he's so happy. He's like a different boy.
It was the pastoral team that told us they make the descisions and would make sure the house is her preferred one.
I then met with the senior pastoral contact and tbh I found her odd. She said many children don't get the house they prefer or be with their friends. They ask children to write down people who they like but they don't tell them why and regularly kids write down opposite sex kids, the houses are one sex, or boarders who have their own house. Or even people they admire but aren't friends with.
I then met with the head.
She has two people she likes with her in that house but she says it feels like they have been plonked into the house. She has no friends at school that she'd see outside of school. She doesn't get invited to birthdays or anything like that.
The head offered that she moved house but she wouldn't have those two friends go with her. So she declined.
I accept things change but she's known all those girls since she was three. One was recently suspended. There's no bullying really. It's just that feeling where you can't be your normal dorky self when your surrounded by girls who are really into clothes and boys and make up and you hate that stuff.
The school is state school size now. When she started she was in two classes of 12. She just seems lost. They recently did a 'play in a week' where she jokes her contribution was to carry a board but really she did nothing.
There is such much more I could say but it will be v long.

There's no bullying really. It's just that feeling where you can't be your normal dorky self when your surrounded by girls who are really into clothes and boys and make up and you hate that stuff.

I think you will exacerbate this issue by moving to a smaller school. Yes, there may be other children like your DD, but as they get older and more of the girls do get interested in clothes and boys and make up, if your DD remains an outlier in terms of interests, she's going to have a very small pool of potential friends to choose from. Two girls in her house that she likes seems pretty good! Is there also a new intake in Year 7? That will shake up previous friendship groups etc.

Also to say, she sounds like my niece, and she ended up predominantly making friends with the boys at school - how much time do they really spend in houses?

Honestly then I don't think you've a leg to stand on. They've offered to accommodate your house swap request. She is in a house with 2 girls she knows. So school have done their part.
You want to change school, not unreasonable. But school will now lose the fees and probably unlikely to fill place at this late stage. So they are perfectly within rights. All you can do is throw yourself at their mercy and beg.

Are you sure the house allocation is important? I'm asking because at our school, apart from sports day and occasional house competitions, the house doesn't seem particularly relevant. They are all mixed together for lessons, lunch, breaks and clubs. Having said that it does sound like a smaller, selective school might suit her better.

We have a friend at the school who has an older daughter who all her friends were boys and she was really unhappy. My daughter isn't keen on boys. She has a twin brother after all! The school we would like her to go to is a girls school. But it's so small that I don't think you could have a group of 'popular' girls. They'd have to mix in with the other girls. The school are really good at picking out everyone's interests. When you see the careers the girls go into it's a real mix and really interesting. It's also really scruffy so I don't think you attract the same sort of people. Our current school attracts people who choose it because they perceive it as the 'best' school. So it's a lot about show. It wasn't really like that when we started there.
My daughter is going into Yr 9. There are different types of girls and levels of interest in boys and make up and clothes.

At our school if you withdraw before starting then the bursary would never kick in and you would be liable for the full term's fees. The bursary is there to support children at the school. Your DD will never be at the school. It is absolutely right that she doesn't benefit from the bursary when it could be used to support another child who is attending.

I don't know why anyone is talking about vat since there is no vat chargeable on private school fees at the current time.

On the issue of moving more generally I think it's astonishing that you're facilitating this. Your DD could move to the new school and not like a single child there. She's at the age where some girls have matured more quickly and are into things like make up and others are still behaving like primary children. It levels out but there will always be a need to be able to mix with people from different walks of life and with different attitudes and opinions. She has two friends in that house. Thats a good situation.

I agree with ssd - I assumed she was going into yr 7 rather than 9 so I guess you are in a middle school area.

Anyway, there is absolutely no way of telling who will get into make up etc within the next year, and when the “ugh, boys” will turn into “hmmm, boys” for any given girl.

(same is true the other way, of course!)

I don’t really see what more the school could have done, and I assume lots of pupils will have lots of reasons to be in a given house - your DD’s wishes will come behind more pressing needs eg kids who are being bullied, or who wind each other up to misdeeds etc.

You're asking if you should be exempt from giving/paying the usual notice to DD's school just because you are on a bursary? That's some Cfuckery!

No, she isn’t: she’s asking if she should have to pay the full fee for the notice term rather than the reduced bursary fee, which is what she has been paying to date.

Actually, OP, there may be governance reasons why it is the full fee - bursary giving might count towards charitable status for schools, and there has to be a benefit (ie an education) shown for that tick in the box. This would make sense with her getting the discount still if she actually attends the “notice term”

No that's not what I mean. I meant is having to pay the notice in full so full price reasonable? Rather than what we pay on the bursary. I just wondered if that's other peoples experience.

Yes definitely. The head said it's to do with working out his budget. I mean it's what it is. It just would be nice to know it's normal rather than anything else. I've definitely known families in similar positions and they've managed to work it out with the schools so they can move quickly. Tho I don't know explicitly.

If I was being uncharitable I would suspect he's blocking her move and hoping she'll stay. But why that would be. He's a new head and he's keen on raising the academics so possibly he's looking at her future GCSE scores.

But it's so small that I don't think you could have a group of 'popular' girls. They'd have to mix in with the other girls.

Seriously, I wouldn't depend on this. Queen Bees gonna Queen Bee, and all that - unfortunately, it could also turn out that everyone except your DD is content to (/ feel compelled to) go along with the dominant one(s), rather than the latter having to tone themselves down to make a harmonious whole.

That seems really unlikely - he knows you will have committed to a term’s fees at the new school so there’s financial loss for you
on fees if you stay or go. He will be following policy - again, did you check the t and c of the bursary?.

But it's so small that I don't think you could have a group of 'popular' girls. They'd have to mix in with the other girls.

In my experience the reverse is true and it's far better to have more children.

Im sorry. I don't know why I said that about the girls because thinking about it there will be prob about the same amount of girls in both schools. 100ish boys and girls in her the year at the moment and 3 x classes of 15 in the new school.

Move by all means but don't expect all.to be rosy.

My DDs secondary friends (at comprehensive) interests changed as they got older and my daughter was slowly sidelined because she wasn't able to join in their conversation easily. They didnt fall out. They still liked each other but its difficult when day in day out they are talking of experiences my daughter hadnt been/wouodnt be, a part of. She was at a small school and making a new set of friends at 13 hen all the friendship groups have been around for years isn't easy.

She eventually, and naturally, made one very good friend who was in the year below through the love of a certain band and they would go to concerts together. They are still friends now although they are approaching 30 and live on opposite sides of the UK.

These things happen. It's life. By all means change school but don't expect it the challenges of friendship groups to be much different in a new place.

I'd be very disappointed at being made a promise though that didn't go through! I'd expect promises to be upheld at a school I was paying for!

@Feelingstrange2 the promise wasn’t broken:

She has two people she likes with her in that house but she says it feels like they have been plonked into the house. She has no friends at school that she'd see outside of school. She doesn't get invited to birthdays or anything like that.
The head offered that she moved house but she wouldn't have those two friends go with her. So she declined.

OP’s requests seem to apply not only to her DD but to other girls, who might also have their own reasons for being in a given house (their elder sisters were in Ravenclaw, or whatever)

Yes definitely. I do think a school can really support friendships though. My son has really flourished in his friendship groups at his new school. Where as when he was at my daughters school he was totally sidelined too. His new school very carefully picked the kids in his tutor group from a questionnaire the kids filled out.

Maybe they've put her in a house where she will be encouraged to move out of her comfort zone.

Is she boarding? If nit the house doesn't matter, and if she is she'll end up being best friends with them all by half term.

look at your contract with the school. Does it make clear that the means-tested bursary would be withdrawn if you left without serving notice? I think it would be normal to expect to pay what you usually pay per term in lieu of notice. You might be able to argue that expecting you to pay double that is an onerous and unusual contract term that they should have drawn your attention to before you accepted the bursary. After all, bullying and its impact on mental health is the most common reason for a child’s sudden departure from a school and doesn’t change your ability to pay full fees. The bursary should therefore still apply.