Prep school or state primary

[mitherbird]

Do we send our children to prep school or state primary?

Thinking about primary school options for our two pre-schoolers. We are very fortunate to have two options, which are a similar distance from home :

1. State primary. Last OFSTED over a decade ago but was rated Outstanding at that point. Good local reputation. Very average results. Urban, with no green space.

1. Prep school. Excellent reputation and results. Incredible facilities (I was taken aback when I looked around). Loads of space.

On paper, the private school seems “better” but I can’t help feeling a bit uneasy about the decision. I went to state school and loved it/did well. I’ve always felt a bit anti private education, so feel guilty for even considering it. I worry about academic hothousing in private. I worry that the car park is awash with sparkly Land Rovers and Gucci handbags and that’s just not us, so that might translate into the kids being ostracised. I think it’s very important for children to interact with people from as many different backgrounds as possible as they grow up and form their world view. I don’t want them to become entitled or arrogant. However, I read so much on here about issues with under funding and behaviour in state schools and I don’t want my kids to have a tougher time at school just because I’m suffering with inverse snobbery and a chip on my shoulder...

I want to do whatever is best for them but I just don’t know what that is!

We could the private school for but it would be a stretch, especially after the 20% increase. Appreciate that we are very fortunate to have this option nevertheless.

I know most of MN hates private school, so I’m wearing my hard hat here, but this is a genuine (albeit very first world) source of worry for me and I’d really appreciate any advice from others who may have been through similar.

Go with the prep. There will be a mix of parents. I did it and children had a ball! Really positive experience, lots of nice friends, no stresses and small classes in a lovely environment.

Also I wouldn’t worry too much about the mixing until they are a bit older. Nothing wrong with keeping children sheltered when they are young.

State primaries usually only have families from a very small catchment area. I don't think you can get your child to interact with different backgrounds there.

I had the same thoughts as you re state vs private, and our kids started off in an Outstanding state school. But we’ve recently moved to private because they weren’t being challenged enough in class, the other kids talked too much which interfered with learning, the teachers were stressed out, and the whole place was underfunded. There’s a lot less funding per pupil in state schools, and it’s disproportionately spent on SEN and struggling kids (as it should be) so hardly any was being spent on my kids who sat still and listened and didn’t complain about anything. I guess I just wanted more to be spent on my kids, even if I was the one who had to pay.

Thank you for this. I suppose that’s my worry! How old were your kids when they moved? The prep option here is oversubscribed, so it’s unlikely they’d be able to move if the state experience wasn’t great. It’s a tough choice!

They were 7 and 9.

I don’t regret sending them to state school initially. It was very good for them and we saved lots of money. But I think we moved them at the right time.

Good luck with your decision!

Prep without a doubt if you can afford it. A good prep will give them a lot less pressure and a much broader holistic curriculum.

There is a narrative around private schools that in a lot of cases isn't true. Inverse snobbery. We're about to move our DS private for all the reasons you've listed (he's 10) and we definitely don't fit the narrative you describe! That said even if I could afford one I wouldn't buy a Gucci handbag or Range Rover. I don't doubt there are very wealthy kids in that environment but there are many 'normal' working families too. Do what you feel is right fit your child and within your budget.

So I come to this as someone who has just educated 2 kids privately right from 3 to 18.

It's been an expensive ride and they've had some amazing teachers. But they've had some really dud ones as well.

The facilities at these places are amazing - especially at senior schools - but not every kid takes advantage of that. DS certainly didn't!

I honestly think if I were choosing again today (without even considering the VAT issue) I would at least start them in the local primary. Both dh and I were state educated so I don't really know why we didn't. I think we got caught up in what everyone else was doing.

Urban? Do out of school sports.

Average results? Doesn't mean everyone is average - what's the value add score?

Independent school parents aren't all Gucci and Land Rovers (we certainly aren't!) but that doesn't mean they are all 'better'.

I would start off with state school, there are a lot of fantastic teachers. You can supplement with after school clubs, music lessons etc. I found it a great way to be involved with the DC and local community. A good supportive homelife counts for an awful lot!

You sound a lot like me and I think we’re going private. It’s a big stretch for us but I’m worried about the lack of funding at state and we have a really really lovely, homely, and supportive prep option. I’m worried my child will be “lost” as a quiet well behaved kid in large classes at the local state options. I think we’ll re-assess for secondary and will consider moving back to the state sector depending on what happens but at the moment the prep seems like our best option until 11. I think the early years are so important in terms of developing social skills, interests, self confidence, etc. We are not at all Gucci bag or Range Rover people but I think our child would get so much attention and absolutely thrive at the prep. I hope it’s the right decision.

When you say “results” in relation to a primary school, what do you mean?

My son goes to a private primary school (he’s just finished Year 2). Our decision was based on small class size and being happy to pay for nicer facilities and equipment. Our DS sounds very much like yours- quite quiet and likes learning. My experience in state was being sneered at for doing well, though to be fair that was at secondary.

The main reason we went private from Reception was that it is a through school so he won’t have to do 7 or 11 plus to stay in the private sector and I thought that was a nice foundation for a stress free childhood. (State secondaries near us not good). But I think I am glad that was a driver as all the other aspects have been good too, so I might now still recommend private primary even if 11+ is needed at the end.

The school has some very rich (and famous!) parents. It also has plenty of people who are very professionally successful -both parents- but do not wear designer clothes. Tends more towards Teslas than Range Rivers round here. I’d say that we are at the bottom end of wealth but I don’t really find anyone to be rude or exclusionary. I guess I do sometimes feel a bit unequal when returning play date invitations as their houses are usually bigger. I think, importantly, that most parents have a similar educational level and that is why we have enough in common to get on.

Thanks everyone! Some really helpful replies - it’s really useful to hear about your experiences.

I totally understand that private school parents aren’t all about designer labels and fancy cars, and that those things aren’t bad anyway, so I don’t mean to offend anyone with that! I suppose a lot of it is about the area and the school. I’ve been to several parent events at the prep school we are considering now and I do get a definite “flashy” vibe that is not me at all. I know it doesn’t make the other parents bad people but, rightly or wrongly, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I don’t mind about being one of the less well-off families, or about other people having amazing holidays, or not having much in common with other parents. But I really worry about ostentation and one-upmanship as I don’t think they are great traits to pass on!

The private school pupils seem to do amazingly, but I sense that there is a very competitive environment and pupils are pushed. The state school doesn’t do brilliantly on SATS results or value added, despite having a good reputation. I don’t really know how important this is at this stage? Obviously I’d like my children to do well, but I can’t help thinking that it’s more important that they are happy and have a childhood that isn’t dominated by competition. Obviously, happiness can’t be guaranteed in either setting, otherwise there would be no need for this thread!

I suppose that I prefer the feel of the state school and the facilities of the private school, but I’m worried about under-funding and the impact of this at state, and hot-housing and exposure to values that don’t align with mine at private.

At primary going for ‘results’ shouldn’t be the decider. You can push most children through any primary with excellent results through excellent tutoring. The decider for private should be the other stuff they bring to the table.

For me smaller class sizes, the focus on sports (particularly sports at least once everyday), and music was the clincher.

On that basis I would 100% go for the school that feels right. Facilities aren’t really that important in primary. Cultivating happy, curious, confident children is the important thing. Having lots of opportunities to try new things and develop skills beyond the core curriculum is also important, and something private schools usually (but not always) have an advantage in, but I would rather supplement this outside of school than send my children to a school where the ethos isn’t a good fit.

my dc are in private and our indie has had such a positive impact on dc’s lives, but most of what makes it transformative for us is really school specific t rather than a private vs. State consideration. There are other private schools within our area that have better facilities and better ‘results’, but would be a poor fit for dc and likely a fair bit worse than the state primary options. Some children really thrive on competition, and would flourish in that kind of school, others would struggle and need something different. You know your dc - ignore all the messaging and data and try to envision which school your dc will be happiest in.

Each school is different but my son’s private school is very anti-competition (socially and academically). We are not told how the children compare to their peers even though the school tests them all for their own planning purposes. Obviously at some point exam results will matter but that’s not till GCSEs. They get lots of assemblies about team work and contributing in individual ways. Uniform is strict and very simple eg school provides the bags and only allows very basic trainers. Coats are school ones.

I think that some state environments might be a bit more lax about status symbol flaunting by better off kids.

Is community a factor? In some places the primary school is the “hub” for you and your child to meet local families and to have nearby friends. Private school can exclude you from this. Though is area dependent obviously and might not apply.

One other thing that might make a difference- private schools tend to have longer holidays. My son is already finished for the summer and the other breaks are longer too.

That can either be a total pain for childcare when you are both working, or a nice bonus if you are a family who like to get away before the crowds.

(We find it a bit of a pain to be honest and roll our eyes (lightheartedly) at paying for less time in school than we’d get for free!).

If the 20% is about doable make sure you can also cope with fees increasing 7-10% a year as well.

State til 8 is a well trodden path so you can defer costs and do KS2 in private.

I'm sure the parents will be friendly at both schools. If the VAT is going to be a stretch, I'd say go with the state school option and see how it goes. It sounds like you're very pro state, so, unless it's a disaster, why pay?

If they attend the state primary, they may need a tutor when they get towards 11 plus. If you want them to do the entrance exams for the private schools. It will also be quite a big culture clash I'd imagine. I went from a very hippy state primary to a posh girls private school on the other side of the city. It wasn't the easiest of transitions and it became clear I really don't fit in that well. But the education standards and facilities were fantastic.
I would probably go for the prep if you can afford it, just bc moving up to private secondary will be much smoother. Though I wouldn't choose to send my kids to private school personally.

If you possibly can, find out what happens in the holidays. At some private schools everybody disappears to their second home during the vacation and your child is left feeling lonely. I send my child private, but other parents warned me which schools to avoid! It's not that the parents aren't nice people, but a lifestyle clash can cause problems.

Your experience isn't the only option. Lots of state school children join independent schools at 11, including my own. There's been no culture clash.

We did the opposite ie state primary and indy secondary. Fab village state primary, small class sizes, lots of outside space etc so we didn't feel we would get value for money. State secondary around us is poor so we used primary years to save up then got a tutor in Yr 6 for the entrance exam to Indy. So far it has been the right choice and DD has settled well.
I would also look at your secondary options and think about what you will do for that before making a decision. All indy 4-18 is a massive investment and commitment especially with VAT looming

Private schools have multiple points of entry not just 11+. But you don’t want them in state for 12/13+ entry as it will hamper them. If you want to aim for a later point you need to move them to a great 4-18 independant first.