Which primary school? Private or state?

[Worryingme]

I am tying myself into knots about what to do regarding primary school for my DD.

She is 3 so we still have some time but I am so torn on what to do.

We have a state primary school that is walking distance, ofsted rated good. (School A)

There is another state primary that is walkable but a lot further, which is currently outstanding but hasn’t been assessed for 10 years so not a reliable metric! I appreciate ofsted is by no means the be all and end all, but I don’t know what else I should be looking for in a state school? (school b).

There are also a couple of private prep schools -

School C is absolutely gorgeous, a very well established prep school, amazing facilities, very good reputation locally. The majority of the children go on to public schools. Small class sizes but financially very secure/thriving. However it’s very expensive - it would just about be workable, if we stopped at the 2 DC we have, I managed to get a full time job once DD2 started school and we cut our cloth - no nice holidays for a couple of years etc.

School D is also private, very small and has a reputatation for being very nurturing. It’s about half the price of school C and is geared towards preparing children for the local grammar schools. Anecdotally the parents for the most part are in a similar position to us financially so less worry about our children feeling like poor relations/different. There are less facilities/flashy extras than school C. I do worry about it being less financially secure as it’s a very small school and the fees are the lowest in the area locally, especially with the potential VAT rise.

Our plan is for the girls to attend one of the local grammars, or an excellent non selective state school. My reasons for leaning towards the private schools for primary are

• small class sizes - DD1 is not timid but quite sensitive. She has struggled with the increase in ratio at nursery from 1:4 to 1:8 and I worry that she will be “lost” in a bigger class.
• I have read a lot of horror stories about state schools at the moment, teachers being massively overstretched, no TAs, SEN students not getting the support they need, teachers spending most of the day trying to support a couple of students who are throwing chairs etc. And the others being left to it.
• I would like the girls to build confidence and have a focus on manners, table manners. We do focus on this at home, but I worry that will be overruled by the influence of school and would like to be supported.
• I am a huge believer in the importance of the early years and want to give them the best start. I don’t want them to become disillusioned and not enjoy school in the first few years so switch off and not enjoy learning. I know generally people say the money is better spend on private school at a secondary level but this would be unachievable for us financially. Our local grammars currently outperform all the private schools in the area.

So it’s less about the academics for me, I appreciate they will learn similar things wherever they go. It’s more the focused attention they’ll receive, good quality school meals, the opportunity to try more sports and extracurriculars, higher standards of behaviour and expectation.

In an ideal world they’d leave primary school happy, confident, enthused about learning, with nice manners and maybe a couple of sports/an instrument they enjoyed.

But the advantage of the local schools is more for the entire family - we could have another child or two potentially if we wanted to; as we wouldn’t have to worry about three sets of school fees. I wouldn’t have to return to work, or could go very part time so we wouldn’t need before/after school childcare, holiday cover etc. DH’s job is extremely long hours so there’s no chance he’ll be able to do pickups etc. and he has very little flex so I would be covering illness/pickups/holiday which may make both of us working difficult. I do think there are benefits to having a parent at home - more time for home cooked meals and snacks, more time to keep on top of the house and life admin, and the children would have a lot more quality time at home after school and during holidays etc. I could take them to activities after school which would make up for less robust extracurricular activities in school. I also know people really value a short walk to school, and it would be nice for them to form local friendships. There would also be a lot more money - for holidays, clubs, days out, to save for them.

When I think about it logically I think school A or D is probably the best choice. But then school C will offer so many opportunities and is gorgeous, but I just don’t think it would be financially viable without a lot of stress - and stressed out overworked parents won’t be beneficial for them either! I suppose it is a case of accepting that we cannot have everything and we aren’t high enough earners for school C to be a positive experience as it should be. I know I’m massively overthinking all of this. I had an awful childhood and I just want them to be happy. I’m worried they will feel left out or overlooked in a class of 30. I see so many people talk about how their children hate school and how difficult it is for teachers and schools at the moment.

I think paying fees also comforts me as there is then an incentive to ensure children and parents are happy - whereas if there are issues in a state school there is little I can do about it and it’s a case of like it or lump it.

What do I do?? I feel like I’m making a bad choice in some way whatever we do!

Have you spent time in these schools? Do you have a sense of where your dc would have the best experience? You can always apply for them all, and then as you have a better sense of how dc gets on in nursery you can make a more informed decision in 6 months time.

don’t get sucked in to the marketing - fwiw I would go with ‘nurturing’ over ‘gorgeous’ every day of the week, as that is what will have the greatest impact on your child. It depends on what ‘extras’ you are attracted to, but think about how much your child will actually use them - our school has an equestrian centre which is great, but not something we use. Dedicated theatre is nice, but only use a couple times a year. Indoor swimming, dedicated forest school, and specialist lessons from reception are things that make a difference on a weekly basis and I value.

I would also look seriously at the state options and try to visit in person if possible. Ofsted mean nothing, and in fact an ‘outstanding’ rating might be a signal that they are more focused on the rating than individual children - we briefly attended an ‘outstanding’ state primary that focused on metrics above all else - in retrospect we would have been happier at a more laid back and nurturing ‘good’ school.

I wouldn’t put myself in a precarious financial position school-wise unless the school was uniquely positioned to meet my child’s needs (send or a specialist hobby/talent), but if you do have the cash, we have found a wide difference in our local state provision and our chosen private. We initially switched because dd1 is academically able but likely autistic and really really struggled in the local state. Her twin sister was doing well in state, and without her sister’s needs we probably would have kept her there, but 3 years on she is benefiting as much if not more than dd1. Dd2 is a more sensitive child, less academically able (probably about average), and has really blossomed with more teacher input and a broader curriculum where she has opportunities to shine.

Don't do school C if you are depending on changing from SAH to full time job as soon as your youngest is in YR and it's still a stretch.

Even if you've budgeted that really responsibly: allowing for the way fees increase for older years even in prep, increases of at least 5% year-on-year, the 20% VAT Labour are about to put on fees, and the way life gets more expensive as they get older and you want them to learn musical instruments, have hobbies, and go for a day out that isn't your local playground or garden centre.

Life does happen. One of them might have difficulties you'll want to pay for extra help with (diagnosis and support). The COL crisis isn't over yet, inflation is still far above wage inflation, and with a labour government about to get in there are likely to be more taxes (whatever their manifesto says!).

The right private school can be amazing for a child. But a stressed family is not amazing at all. And the right state school can also be amazing for a child. And happy, engaged parents are very amazing.

Visit all the schools you can afford lots of times, to see which one you like best according to your family values and what you think will suit your DC. Choose the one that you think suits them best, and see how they get on. Nothing is set in stone, and if something isn't working you can always change it.

Those are some big sacrifices you are considering making for a school. Personally I would only do that if my child was unhappy in a state school. I wouldn't pre-empt problems.

My kids are both at state schools 10 mins walk from home which we are happy with. The schools aren't perfect, but they are pretty good. My children are happy there and learning well. Their main complaint about school is they miss being at home with mum and dad. I am glad we can both work reduced hours so we don't need wrap-around care. All kids are different, but for mine at least they definitely value time at home with us more than they would value facilities or smaller class sizes.

Personally I would go for school A. You have private options as a back up if things don't work.

A - local primary or D - cheaper private.

Woukdn’t go fur C, as it would stretch you financially, and all her school friends would be disappearing to private school. She would feel like the poor relation going to state (even if grammar).

Also, have you visited the schools, or just going by reputation? You may feel different when you go around them.

One thing that shocked me about private schools which I have learnt on mn is the high turnover of staff some have. I always imagined they’d be more stable.

I agree with the previous poster, you need to visit all of these schools. Only then can you see not only what you are shown and told by the staff but also how children behave, how happy and confident they are.
But caveat emptor: although every meal/ table was shared with a teacher or member of staff, my DCs acquired horrendous table manners at prep school, so don't expect too much on that point😬

I would go for the local state school. When they are little you can enrich their lives yourselves, if you went back to work FT you wouldn’t have the same energy, particularly if DH can’t help much. You can spend time with them in the holidays do lots of fun things together. Have a look at all the local clubs which are available, if you are fortunate like we are there are a huge range to choose from. If you want them to learn an instrument, find a local teacher.
My DC hated the food at state and private school! At least a primary school I could make packed lunches for them, when they moved to private for secondary a plate of cucumber, grated carrot and a slice of bread was a regular choice for lunch!

In your position I would never do C. It just seems to limit your life choices and secondary school options.

Would they support 11+ if you decide to go state in secondary (since you mention a grammar area)? It’s worth checking as some are exclusively 13+. They can’t stop you from applying, but they won’t help.

To respond to just one aspect of your post - you're kidding yourself if you think that having parents who can afford private school makes children more polite or better mannered. There's absolutely no reason they'd be more polite or better mannered after spending time at a private school.

Often quite the opposite in my experience.

I think you need to find out more about the two state schools than just the Ofsted ratings as a first step. Do you have friends/neighbours whose children go there?

Never underestimate the walk to school, so no car needed. You actually get time to ask about their day, and just be mum for a bit with no chores.
The friends who live next door as a young child can be lifetime friends.
The savings mean you can start an account and have options later in a child's life.

A - it’s a good school in walking distance. They will have local friends and your life will be straightforward.

You can’t afford C. Look at the list of things you are are sacrificing (part time working so more time with your small dc, holidays, financial security, being able to collect your dc after school as you are working less, an actual potential extra child) and look at what you are gaining (gorgeousness non specific “opportunities” and table manners - which your dc will have wherever they go).

School D might prep for grammar but if your dc are suitable for the grammar school then you can do that yourselves with the extra time you have and the extra money for professional support if you wanted. The same with the sports and experiences.

You have no guarantee of better manners or behaviour from the private school. Children largely learn their manners from home and it’s important to you so it will come out in them. As a small, timid, quiet child I was better in a larger school where there was a bigger pool of potential friends. It’s really hard being in a small class as a quiet kid. It can be very intense and I wouldn’t do it to my kids.

Am currently looking for a good Special school ( Primary)for my kids in the Worcester area. Any recommendations. Experience has taught me not to go with the Ofsted reviews.

A or D

Before I fully read your op I was going to say state til 8. But reading in more detail I can see that won’t work.

You want your child to be in the state system for secondary so you need to find a school that supports and works towards that. Forgetting about money, C will be pushing a route that you don’t want for your child - all their friends going off for private, focusing on things like sports and approaches that will continue in the private sector (Lacrosse etc). It will then be harder to come off that track.

visit both of them - does D offer enough opportunities/support to make it worth it or would you rather start with A and transfer if required?

Does it have an emphasis on manners/behaviour that you want? Not all preps do! It is a huge focus at my kids school but the other prep in town really doesn’t prioritise this. All schools are different.

The Grammar crammer (which it will in reality be) will be great if your child really is a dead cert for Grammar school. Otherwise they will be bottom set and you will be paying for your child to feel a failure at a very early age. I live in a Grammar county and the local preps, most of which have a same name upper school and they are universally talking up how they prep for 11+ this year. They know the 20% VAT is going to mean more people starting with state and then switch to prep at Y3 or age 8 with specific aim of a Grammar place. It is going to get very hot house atmosphere at such institutions. The kids who fail to get Grammar places will then seek places at the private upper schools and the schools will be desperate to keep them despite the lower exam outcomes in 5 and 7 years. I would go for local state and spend money on extras and a bit of tutoring if it seems worth it by Y5.