What’s worse on a child(deferral or not)

[Babybrain26]

We’re Trying to decide if deferral is worth it potentially (no sen requirements, just young for year, but if deferred would be up to 14 months older than peers). The primary school he would be attending we’ve been told is very academic/competitive.

Defer, without exception it's a good thing. Especially first 2 years and then later in High School and College. Being a year younger is worse.

Interesting that you have challenged me, rather than the person who is equally confident that it was the best thing for their dc to be deferred.
Also I didn't say "certain" I said "fairly confident" which isn't the same thing.

There have been children deferred, but not in these numbers, and often they were children with significant needs in the past. I think it's interesting, but research needs to go ahead to show if there is an overall benefit, because if there isn't then they need to be looking at other ways to support those who need support.

I am "fairly confident" because he's a bright lad, who does just enough to get through to the next level. I can say with experience of him, that he does not benefit from being ahead, instead he gets frustrated, bored and then goes off into a world of his own which is rarely helpful.
He also has made some lovely friends who were in his form and they have stuck together and in the 6th form are still sticking together. He's had opportunities that he wouldn't have had if he'd been in another year (eg due to GCSE timings), one of which is potentially leading (having made contacts) into the career he's decided he wanted to do.
He'd generally had teachers that get him, not entirely, but pretty much so, eg he had a year when he was badly ill and missed most of a term and his teacher (to my surprise, having had my older one and not been that impressed then) was fantastically supportive and really helped him through it.

And well, he might decide he wants to marry one of their siblings, but currently he's planning on living alone with 4 dogs, 4 cats, a goldfish pond, 10 budgies, one cockatoo, a grasssnake and a hamster. He says no wife will live with that. :D

I dunno, I was lucky that my DC1 was in the same setting from being aged 9 months til 5 yrs 2 months when she finished. Obviously she did move rooms regularly throughout that time though. Why can't he stay where he is for the next year, or do two consecutive years in another setting?

WeightoftheWorld the daycare he's in we put as our second choice for preschool as his older brother was moving to the primary across the road from our home. The daycare is about 15-20 mins away with the Same start time so we put the pre school beside the primary as our first choice. His current daycare weren't very happy with this to say the least. (Basically told us he wouldn't get a space even though we fulfil their criteria). The first preference preschool don't do pre pre and are oversubscribed (as are most preschools near us). So we'd have to put him in another playgroup near us due to his siblings primary start time, therefore 2x changes for him with 2 x sets of kids in 2 years, then primary school.

If you are going to move home anyway then just send him to school with his cohort. It isn’t true that deferring is without exception the best thing - several people have pointed out the problems with sports later on. There is also potential for people wondering why they’ve been ‘held back a year’ and there is potential for this to carry a bit of stigma / potential for bullying later on - an assumption (wrongly or rightly) that there has been some kind of problem at some point. I know it seems awful sending your little one to school but you have to think of the teenager not just the toddler!

Hi,

Sorry to be nosey but did you defer in the end?

"Without exception" is a huge claim, and although we obviously don't know what would have happened if she'd deferred, I seriously doubt that my DD would have gained from deferring. She was quite ready for school at just turned 4, did very well and was also ready for uni at just turned 18. Deferring wasn't really a thing back then, but I would have fought for it if I'd thought she'd needed it (she was prem, so in some sense even younger than most August birthdays), but she didn't.

Your update about having to move him once (or twice?) if deferring means I definitely wouldn’t. But in general both my sons are summer born and we didn’t defer. For the older one (my middle child) we felt that while he might benefit from a few extra months in pre-school, a whole extra year would be too much. We were also influenced by a boy in his pre school who had been held back and whose parents regretted it as he was clearly bored and felt out of place. This has only continued and they are in yr 5 now. Obviously that’s just one example and isn’t the case for everyone, but when we were up close to it, it did influence us. For my youngest, deferring would have meant him staying behind while his close knit group of lovely friends went ahead to school and that wouldn’t have felt right for him. We also took advice from a close friend who is a reception teacher that none of the differences or struggles she sees break down simply into how old they are for their year, so she didn’t feel it was something she’d automatically recommend.

Only YOU can judge this OP. What I would say is where is your child, socially, emotionally, academically?

A child who is already working maybe a little below average for his age, will likely massively struggle when put with children who are older than him, some of whom may be working/socially above average even for their age. Holding him back so he becomes the oldest, would probably be a massive help.

However if he is already "forwards" for his age, he will probably fit in fine with older children, and indeed might be way ahead of another even older child and be bored at learning with younger children.

Think about the social skills too - are these around 3-4 or 4-5? What about other stuff? Doing his shoes up? Not peeing himself? Basically is being stretched to the level of an older child going to pull him on leaps and bounds? Or is it going to mean he struggles to keep up?

Well we didn't defer preschool, and at first he settled really well, loved it compared to daycare. He still however is having potty accidents especially at home. The preschool he's at aren't overly supportive tbh, have said he's just 'lazy'. The strategies for toileting are counter productive but they're believe they're correct. At the moment therfore unless we remove him from preschool, move him somewhere else or just keep him home and though some miracle his confidence improves, it's looking like we'll have to defer primary school unfortunately. It's sad because he's made friends in his class but the teacher singles him out, which I think is making him more aware and self conscious. If he's held back, he'll probably be quite aware. It would've been better to have deferred pre school in hindsight. In some ways he could be ready for p1, but he does still struggle with the independence skills and the toileting is the main thing.

Sorry to hear about the toileting issue, if he's settled in well, made friends and everything else is going well thats a positive. My nephew had toileting issues up until p.3, he was born in November, they never got to the bottom of it but he's now p.4 and has no accidents. It's still early days before he starts school so hopefully he improves and the school will be supportive, he won't be the first child needing support with toileting.

Why do you think they are being ‘held back’? From what, toileting difficulties in P1 is quite a problem. Every other child knows what’s happened, if it’s a regular thing I’d be asking what the hell a parent is thinking sending kids to schools who are needing nappies. In saying that 25% of P1 where I work are either incontinent or soiling themselves. No classroom support means they have to wait until someone is available to change, sometimes shower down the child. There is so much more to it than that though. Then there is being too young to legally go to the pub or have sex but all the others can, that’s probably more of a pressure than regular soiling accidents in a busy class.

No i wouldnt defer unless there are very good reasons eg significant SEN. Because its a decision that will affect their entire education. Boys in particular are likely to catch up and it isn’t necessarily a good thing to be older and more mature. I know two children in this situation, one became a bully and the other finds school biring and the other kids immature. My own son started school quite behind but now at secondary has overtaken and is in top sets, if i had deferred he would be physically towering above the other kids and probably bored in lessons.

From your update I’d say you need to tackle the poor attitude of his preschool. Get advice from ERIC and make sure they are following best practice. One of mine was still having accidents the first rwo years of school, its difficult, but it shouldnt be a reason to stop them going to school.

Is toileting enough of an issue (if its standalone) to defer? I'm just worried the other kids might notice/ he'll get picked on or feel self conscious.

Hi, I in Dublin our children are actively encouraged to start after age 5 as all research shows better results and engagement. I appreciate you are in a different system but I would consider the research as helpful.

If your child is typically developing and on par with most things then they shouldn’t be deferred. In England you have to ask the LA for this and usually there has to be a reason such as developmental delay or learning disability. For some summer borns if born at the very end of August I believe it’s a more viable option, but not for all. Many children, of typically developing should catch up eventually, you’re always going to have older and younger children in any year group.

I don't think it can possibly be as binary as this though...My DC3 was born 7 days before the cut off for his year group. If he'd been born on his due date he'd be automatically placed in the year below. He wouldn't be miles ahead of children born in September and October if I deferred him.

The school year grouping is based on an arbitrary cut off and each parent needs to discuss with other key carers in the child's life (nursery/pre school teachers etc) and make what they think is the right decision for their DC.

Idk if this helps at all but as they don't need to be there legally until the term after they turn 5 you can also use the year as a flexi year. The school didn't like it much, but it was a good balance for my child. They got to start school with their friends, gained all the knowledge from reception (phonics,reading, maths mostly) but if they seemed tired/overwhelmed/in need of a break I kept them home for a day without worrying too much about fines and attendance and all the rest of it. Hasn't affected their attitude to school, we have great attendance now, but gave us the flexibility we needed.