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How do I help my DD?

8 replies

ImmyandErin · 22/04/2024 14:34

Hoping for some advice please…

For context, both DDs go to grammar school and are generally happy, smart, rounded girls.

My younger DD (11) scraped in to the school due to a criteria in their admissions policy, rather than her own academic achievement. We always knew that she would be surrounded by much more academically gifted children and do not strive for her to be the best in the class, as that probably wouldn’t be possible for her.

My DH and I encourage her to try her best and whatever she achieves, as long as she has tried, we will be happy with.

The problem is that she just doesn’t seem motivated to try! This isn’t a new thing - to a certain extent it’s her personality, but I’m starting to question whether there is something more to it. Whether there’s something preventing her from concentrating/trying.

My DH spent hours going through Maths work with her yesterday. She was demonstrating that she understood the technique and could work out the solution multiple times, but then moved onto the next question and guessed rather than using the techniques she knew. We don’t know if she didn’t try or didn’t remember what had just been taught.

At parent’s evening last week, a lot of the feedback was that she is very engaging in class and works well at school, but needs to slow down and think through her answers when left to her own devices. She rushes and doesn’t think things through deeply enough and sometimes struggles to retain information.

She is also quite emotional and impulsive, so I’m beginning to wonder whether there is some neurodiversity issue which is accounting for the hastiness or inability to remember? No teacher has ever raised this with me, but she is a good girl who would have been at the higher end of ability in primary school.

Does anyone have any advice or techniques to help? When we sit to go through work with her, she will happily let us teach her, but struggles to challenge herself enough when she works independently.

Thank you.

OP posts:
rileyy · 22/04/2024 14:44

Sounds like how I was in school. I was really engaged during classes (in the subjects I connected with) but hopeless at homework and assignments at home. I just couldn’t do it.l and constantly felt like I was stupid and failing. I was also/am also impulsive and emotional. It’s not “nastiness.” It’s an overloaded nervous system with a deficit of dopamine. Not intentional bei mg nasty.
I received my diagnosis of ADHD Innatentive Type (fka: ADD) recently at 32. I can’t help but think back to if this had been caught earlier, how much easier I would have found school and university and just life in general.
If you have any suspicions, it is worth further investigation.

ImmyandErin · 22/04/2024 14:47

Tried to edit, but doesn’t seem to have worked… I meant ‘hastiness’ rather than nastiness. Sometimes she is quite quick to react and shouty with me and my other DD, but she definitely isn’t nasty!

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m really conflicted about giving her a label vs working out the best way to support her.

OP posts:
rileyy · 22/04/2024 14:51

ImmyandErin · 22/04/2024 14:47

Tried to edit, but doesn’t seem to have worked… I meant ‘hastiness’ rather than nastiness. Sometimes she is quite quick to react and shouty with me and my other DD, but she definitely isn’t nasty!

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’m really conflicted about giving her a label vs working out the best way to support her.

Ahhh that makes sense! I understand not wanting to label your child, but that may BE the way to help her. It also doesn’t change anything about her, just opens up resources that will help her navigate her schooling and understand her emotions. It can be lonely knowing you think differently.
I think it’s wonderful you are exploring ways to help her, she’s lucky to have you as her mum!

Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 14:54

Some kids really really do not cope with being the lowest attaining in their set/class.

It's a recognised thing that kids who are objectively higher attainers get into grammar school and can see they are the bottom of the pile there. They can't see the kids at the comps and so on and so they start feeling like a failure.

It impacts work and attitude.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 22/04/2024 14:57

have you considered inattentive ADHD?
I’d pony up for an ed psych review.
not necessarily for meds but because there are tips and techniques that are helpful.

ImmyandErin · 22/04/2024 16:56

Octavia64 · 22/04/2024 14:54

Some kids really really do not cope with being the lowest attaining in their set/class.

It's a recognised thing that kids who are objectively higher attainers get into grammar school and can see they are the bottom of the pile there. They can't see the kids at the comps and so on and so they start feeling like a failure.

It impacts work and attitude.

I really don’t think it’s this. She genuinely doesn’t care about not achieving the same as others. She doesn’t mind being off the bottom - she would like to be better but not if it requires more effort!

It’s just so hard to know whether she genuinely can’t make more effort or just doesn’t want to.

I’ve also talked to her about where she sits in the overall picture when considering all of the kids her age, not just the ones in grammar school.

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 22/04/2024 17:24

Does she enjoy the school?

ImmyandErin · 22/04/2024 17:45

Bluevelvetsofa · 22/04/2024 17:24

Does she enjoy the school?

Yes, she’s made some nice friends and is happy there. It is a small school, unlike our local school which is absolutely huge and I would worry she’d be completely forgotten about as she’d be unremarkable there.

The teachers seemed to have a very good understanding of her when we had parents evening last week.

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