Grammar school etc advice please.

[knittingmachine]

Hi all,

I am feeling awful and look for recommendations please. When my DD at the end of the year 2 we moved out of London. We bought our dream house and moved our DD state school to an independent school. We made a plan financially to move back to London after 6 years.

But the plan didn’t work as DD didn’t cope well with the school. She is in year 4 now and everyday it is getting worse. The school is very sportive and DD is academic. She enjoys science and Maths and her friends don’t enjoy these that much. After every game she gets anxious. She is very above than her classmates academically. They are teaching her advance maths (year 8) and English otherwise she gets bored and disturb others. She doesn’t have much friends and so sad about this. She is depressed and behaves horribly both school and at home. We started to see a psychologist.

We changed our plans and decided to move back to London in 2 years. I will put her to grammar school and selective independent school exams. Is it possible to get into a grammar school with no catchment from very far away (3 hours away from London)? Is there anyone who did this before? Also there are less sportive schools around us. Should we move her to another school until we move back? Please advise and don’t judge I feel terrible already.

Why do you want to go back to London, separately from the schooling issue? Why was this always the plan to buy a "dream house" for a bit and then go back again? Just trying to understand so that people can give good advice.

Thank you for your answer. We thought this will be the phase for us to save money. We were paying lots of money on rent in London and couldn’t buy our own place and decided to do this to later buy something in London. We are both working from home and we said why not but we failed with DD.

She’s in the wrong school!
If you move her now, you may find that everything improves. Sounds like you need to look for a sporty academic school. Where are you based? people will advise if they know where in the country you are.

There aren't many grammar schools in London without a catchment, I can't think of any except a couple where are actually in Sutton. I would choose where you are going to relocate to and look to apply to the privates in that area as privates have no catchment areas. Although if she is having such issues now, why wait 2 more years, why don't you move as soon as possible?

I'd consider moving her now, she has more than two years left at a school where she's not happy and the school doesn't suit her. However I'd gently talk about that idea with her, maybe she wouldn't like to move.

I don't know how the grammar schools in London operate about admissions on distance, you'd be best looking at their admissions criteria. If you do need to be closer, the deadline to apply for places is in the October of year 6, so you'd need to be moved by then. The exams are before that date.

Have you looked at your local state schools? That doesn't seem to be something you've considered and I'm not sure why. Where are you now? What's the local primary like? Moving again doesn't seem like a great plan at all.

Thank you. We will try to do this as soon as possible but financially we can’t do it now we have to wait. At least I can move her to another school for this time.

And where do you currently live? Is it very rural so that finding good other options might be hard? Realistically, if it were me, I'd be planning to move as soon as she has passed the relevant exams for a senior school, so beginning of year 6, but if it were my dream house and there were other good options for primary and secondary near me then I would stay put long term.

I'd think about the sport and the academics a bit separately, by which I mean that you could find a less sporty school where she can opt out of pressurised matches if this is what is bothering her and supplement academically outside school if she is still ahead of her peers and is bored in school - you can be academically ahead and still enjoy school if done right - your daughter could get extra maths extension, music lessons, chess etc to try to occupy her. If she really hates games, it might be better for her to consider a state school, where PE is often more inclusive, or a school that focuses less on "games" and allows kids to pick swimming, yoga etc (which is common at secondary school level, less so at primary).

Whereabouts are you roughly? To give one example, Tonbridge Grammar in Kent has no catchment in the sense that if you're not in the "in" area (e.g. live in the town) you can apply from anywhere I think.

You are right she is definitely in the wrong school. I don’t know how smart she was and I made a huge mistake. She is not sportive and almost hates all sports now. We are in Dorset.

(I should say that I do know a child who is doing secondary maths tuition at a state primary having left a private school
as he is far ahead - it's not a given that state couldn't cope.)

We are in Dorset. You are so right exactly why I am looking for grammar schools for her as it seems sport always be a problem for her if she goes to an independent school. I am trying to make her love at least one sport but she is refusing everything now. She has low self-esteem and this makes me so sad. She s quite musical.

Is her school private? There must be alternatives and two more years of unhappiness could be irreparable , even assuming her behaviour does not force her out. Does she know you intend to move again? Why are you so set on London, it might be better for stability to find a less competitive environment now, ideally with a secondary attached.

Why the focus on moving back to London, OP? I don't know Dorset well, but there are good comprehensives and amazing state sixth forms in Hampshire, for example.

I'm not sure if I agree with you that independents will be a no go - a smaller school might be less focused on games or a bigger school might have so many girls that there is less pressure to participate - it feels like a "right school" issue rather than about grammar vs state. Grammar schools can be excessively sporty too (or at least excessively games focused). It sounds as if your daughter needs somewhere nurturing where she won't be made to be competitive and can sign up for extra curricular activities that are impressive and will allow her to meet like minded children to me - orchestra, chess club, debating, maths/science etc.

On the sport side of things, can your daughter swim and ride a bike? Does she go on walks with you? Or could she try a yoga class outside school? PE is sometimes a bit exclusionary in schools, but it is good for children to be fit and healthy. You don't have to be good at sport to enjoy movement.

Sorry. I didn't mean impressive below, I meant inclusive!

If you're pinning your hopes on a grammar, London isn't a great plan TBH. Have you looked at the Poole Grammars?

Yeah I did wonder about that ( or Bournemouth) as I’m fairly local. However, in reality the Poole and Bournemouth grammars are not super academic, although she would probably qualify for an out of catchment place. Unless the OP has unwittingly chosen a prep school that is known for catering primarily to children of lower a academic ability it’s likely that a proportion of dc in her current class will be going to senior schools that are getting results on a par with those grammar schools or higher so it’s likely that she’s already got a peer group equivalent to Parkstone or BSG in her current school, but that’s not working for her.

This girl sounds like she would be suited to a super selective if she’s independently ( no home input/ no tutoring) working 4 years ahead in maths, for example. However, at the same time I don’t know if that’s the answer. It’s hard to know if the social difficulties come from the academic frustration or something else.

Oh no I thought they are more focus on academics. Her school is not that big maybe that’s why they are pushing her to participate as they need a team. I will do a research then both independent and grammar schools which suits her well. I would like her to be happy with her secondary school. I would like her to surrounded friends like her. She is so alone here.

She loves swimming lessons and loves cycling. The problem is the games actually.

Would you move her for two years to another school?

We would like to move back to London as all of our friends and family in there.

You can get into the Bexley grammars irrespective of distance IF (and it's a big if) your DD scores as one of the top 180 scorers in the Bexley 11+. But it's not a plan to rely on.

She is in a private school. Yes she knows and she counts on it. We want to go back for our families and friends.

I fear you may be undermining her ability to make friends by promising she can return. Her former friends may well have moved on or not be as open to her as she might be to them. You are loading the expectations of an 8 year old.

If you plan to move back after six years she will miss grammar entry at 11+ and even many independents' main intake.

You need to move back sooner rather than later really if you are desperate to go back to London. It would be much better for your daughter to be settled somewhere rather than constantly telling her that she will move back at some point when she is older. She really is stuck in limbo right now.

Where are your friends and family? London is a big place? Where did you live before? Someone might be able to recommend a state primary that would work for your daughter for now and then you can get outside tutoring and save lots of cash - you could rent your house and save on school fees and then buy in area if you are sure you are happy and once she has passed grammar etc.

I could be wrong but I don't think Henrietta Barnett has a catchment. Latymer also allows you to sit the test wherever you live, but if you qualify for a place you have to move into catchment by a certain date or you veto the place.
But you massively need it have a backup plan as both these north London schools are fearsomely competitive.

You’d need to look at the admission policies of the school. Different areas have different policies. In Kent there’s one exam for the whole county. In other areas, each school has their own exam.

You may be able to take the exam, but may be last in terms of admissions as they will take people in-area first.

Have you looked at Talbot Heath? They're reasonably academic.

And the grammar schools in Poole/Bournemouth get some good results.

But yes if she's not happy now move her. Even to state if you can supplement. Some tutors are brilliant at challenging students and having fun rather than teaching to a test at that age