Feel bad after Parents Evening tonight

[Tiny2018]

It was my 12 year old sons Parents evening tonight and I feel terrible. My son has struggled since starting secondary as he is quite a sensitive boy and dreads school due to the apoarent amount of shouting by teachers and military like rules. He is being assessed for Aspergers currently.

I was booked in to see the SEN teacher but popped to see his form tutor first who looked at him as though she didn't recognise him. Made a few comments on how she has no problems with him, he's never had a single warning for anything. Half hour previous to this he had told me this same teacher gave him a warning and threat of detention earlier.

By the time I got to the SEN teacher I was a bit annoyed by this. Not helped by the fact that he has had nearly two weeks off school due to a suspected faecal blockage, because he hasn't been allowed to use the toilet when needed within school, meaning he has been having to hold it in.

I basically ended up ranting at the poor woman about how I have him excellent routines set up at home, and on the way to school but I feel the school aren't meeting me halfway, that all the hard work I put in with him at home just gets messed up when he comes into school and teachers are screaming and shouting at kids. I also said that if his ultrasound next Tuesday shows that the mass that was under his belly button was in fact a faecal blockage and not something else that I would be taking my complaint higher up as they have essentially caused him to suffer both mentally and physically.

I stated that I appreciate they are understaffed and morale is likely to be low but thus just wasn't acceptable. I did apologise to the poor woman, saying that I wasn't aiming this at her personally and it's really not her fault, that she's human but I have had enough.

Feel terrible now, though I stand by what I said. It must be so hard being a teacher. For the record, my son can be a bit of a chatter box but otherwise knows how to behave.

Don't really know what I'm trying to get from posting this, but after nearly a month of Drs appointments, blood tests( he is phobic of needles) and just general worry, whilst working and dealing with a teenager dropping out of college, I just went off on one. Sorry for long post.

sorry op, sounds like you’re having a really stressful time of it. What was the reaction of the SEN teacher? Did she have any helpful suggestions, or at least show understanding of the issues? Sounds to me like you need some proper time with her - not just a parents evening appointment - to talk about how the school can better support your son.
Hopefully someone with better knowledge of all this will be along soon.

@Tiny2018 Usually teachers know dc they have given a detention to. Did he get one or not? Did you have a choice of schools? Strict ones are usually well flagged in advance. So I’m surprised you wanted this school but of course that’s assuming you had a choice! As advised above see the SENCO with an appointment. I’m not convinced the medical issue is all down to the school. There are breaks and lunchtimes.

I think you sound stressed and at the end of your tether and it is good that you recognised you were venting at the teacher, not that you held her responsible for it all.

I think you need to ask what the school provision is for pupils with a medical need to go to the toilet and get your DS a toilet pass or whatever so he knows he can go when he needs to.

Shouty teachers and detentions - has your DS actually had any behaviour points or detentions? If not, presumably any shouting isn’t directed at him and he needs reassuring of this. Behaviour in schools at the moment is very tricky.

You need a proper meeting with the school to discuss your DS’s needs in light of the medical issues and potential autism. Try to establish from DS beforehand exactly what the issues are and then come up with a plan to address them.

Thank you to everyone that has responded, much appreciated.

In regard to the form tutor and his detention, we sat down and she stared blankly at my son as if she didn't recognise him and didn't know what to say. She said that he's never a problem, has had no warnings or detentions but obviously my son had told me otherwise when I met him from school. It basically came off as though she just sort of made something up on the spot if that makes sense, which annoyed me.

In terms of the ticketing issue, my point is is that times he has needed to go during class time, he has either been told no or been told to put his hand down so doesn't even get as far as asking if he can. This has meant that he has sustained a faecal impactment which has made him quite poorly over this last few weeks.

I have been incredibly stressed this last month or so due to other issues earlier mentioned and I absolutely should not have blown up the way I did but after everything that's been going on, to be met by his form tutor seemingly having no clue who one of her students is I just saw the whole thing as a total farce really.

On the subject of teachers shouting at kids collectively, this is a my son issue. He feels that if they are all being shouted at that it is only meant for him. He takes it really personally, being sensitive. I have explained to him time and again that this is not the case but this is simply the way he is.

Send the SENDCO an email, apologise say you were stressed and you didn't mean for it to come out the way it did (she's human too she'll appreciate it). But tell her you really need some time with her to discuss a more appropriate plan as the current one is not working.

It is completely normal in secondary schools not to let children use the toilets unfortunately they have historically been used to OD in, sexual assault, self harming, good old fashioned bunking, vaping and smoking not to mention the vandalism, so shutting them and denying access to all is the way most schools approach it.

However, it is also completely normal in secondary schools for children with a medical need to have a toilet pass so that they have access to specific, unlocked toilets whenever they need.

It is very common for autistic children to assume a class telling off is for them as well as the misbehaving children.

What have you already got in place in terms of adjustments and one-page profile/individual learning plan? He should have one of these if he is waiting for assessment as they are needs based not diagnosis based.