Boundaries around non consensual touch

[BoundaryLed]

Hi mums

Something I've struggled with since my son was born has been the amount of touch contact he was having on a daily basis from strangers, friends, family, neighbours.

My response has mostly been to freeze/fawn. I'll have what I want to say in my head but then find I can't say it. It's taught me I'm a real people pleaser. I find it really interesting that on several occasions I've been assaulted, I've had the same reaction to freeze/fawn. Again the people pleasing response.

In the past I would have been someone who would touch a little babies little hand or foot. I understand that people mean well. But now I see it through a very different pair of glasses.

If our babies are soaking in the most important key learning during their first 3 years, and I consistently let people touch his hair or skin without asking them to stop and offer their hands instead, my son will learn that touch is done unto him, not "touch is my choice".

I'm trying to talk to as many parents on this as possible and many don't have a problem with family touching baby or passing them around at gatherings. And I wonder what the thoughts are on here? Surely asking people to offer their hands is a much healthier learning for our babies so they hopefully don't freeze/fawn later down the line if a predator were to come into contact with them...

Children shouldn't be made to kiss or hug people but babies have been passed around and fawned over/ touched since forever, in every culture throughout the world.

You're overthinking this.

I think touching a baby’s hand or foot is a natural human instinct and absolutely fine.

I’m not happy for strangers who have been touching god knows what to touch my DC. It was a real bugbear of mine when strangers would lean into the pram or touch my baby in my arms.

For people I know and like, neighbours, friends, family I don’t mind touch being shown.

However I don’t tell my DC to go and give hugs to anyone, we use waving hello/ goodbye instead. Also no one is allowed to kiss my child except me and her dad. I didn’t do the whole passing around at gatherings either, people had a hold then baby came back to me. I hated every moment when my baby was young tbh, and wouldn’t ask to hold someone else’s newborn.

Please look at the effects of no human touch for babies.
Just a quick Google and you will see how touch and physical contact are actually very good for babies developmentally.
Lack of it stunts a lot of stuff.
Being able to say no as a toddler is great but we grow babies who are completely vulnerable for a very long time with very big brains. Cuddling, hugging and loving a baby by any kind person will help that big brain in a vulnerable body feel more and more safe and secure.

I think it's normal for humans to touch each other in 100 different ways without asking permission first. With slightly older children, I'd teach them that if they don't like whether it's happening they should say so. But when they're small, people will pick them up,, cuddle them if they're upset, hold their hand to keep them safe from traffic, strap them into a pushchair by force if they're having a tantrum, dress them, play with them, all sorts of things. Touch isn't their choice at that age. It's a part of life, as important as being spoken to, and interwoven with all their basic care needs. Young children themselves will initiate touch with each other in play, and often will climb all over adults for fun too. The idea that all human touch should require prior consent I find very strange. I think you're imposing a set of rules about a very specific type of touch (adult sexual contact) into the much, much wider array of human physical contact and realising that the same rules don't work for touch with babies and young children.

personally it may even be beneficial to their development, eye contact, tactile stimulation, what gentle touch conveys as well as picking up on the movements of the mouth for speech and a certain self awareness and mental growth.
it's probably helpful for their immunity as well.
i think there is much for babies to learn from their environment (which includes strangers) that helps their brains develop, a variety of perfumes, various fabrics...
i just don't think the family unit can possibly meet all these subtle needs.

The way I see it is my child is their own person and even as babies they would make it obvious if they didnt like it so I leave it up to my child to dictate what they want or not, otherwise there would be even more children having to seek mental health support and advice to work on even more issues they have had to take on from their parents