DA, school attendance and sickness

[CaMina]

Hi

Sorry long rant/DA/lots of panic

Just to help things make sense, social services involved because NSPCC advised I report the bruising on my youngest to them. We do have a CAO. I do have a solicitor but she's trying to keep costs down as I don't qualify for legal aid, so I am left in the dark a lot.

School/Attendance Officer asking for daily reports of children sickness.

My kids are off almost weekly as soon as I get them back from dad's, with some sort of sickness. Ranging from vomiting, flu (fever, ibuprofen and Calpol being taken and often still hot), infections, cold with fever, injuries, you name it. School has also previously sent them home, refused to let them return due to a 48hr policy; and they've also stated they cannot/will not give them Calpol, ibuprofen, or antibiotics on site and I would have to leave work to do so. I don't particularly want to send my larthegic child into school, pretty sure that's child neglect.

General consensus: children get sick.

What it does mean is the kids are then taken off school on my days. I have provided SS of NHS app, as well as letters from a&e before. School/Officer said it's not enough, want daily reports. They turned up at my house today, unannounced. I missed the doorbell as I had unplugged it to hoover. I've tried explaining it's not for fun, I also miss work and it affects income. Especially since my ex has fraudulently claimed child benefit and stopped my UC; and I have to go argue it but Everytime I argue:

• December, tried to do mediation via SS as he won't follow CAO; criminal damage, stalking, harassment, threats. Reported to police. Dropped out of mediation as I was afraid. He was also stalking me at my second job; he continues to do so, "I know you've not been there," so I'm currently on a break.
• January more threats, daily messages, abuse from his friends in public
• February more threats, daily messages, 9 in the span of minutes, assault, refusing to follow CAO by saying that I will be doing what he wants, he won't be using a solicitor and won't be speaking to mine; telling me not to ask for help or call police etc.

Social services don't want to see messages or photos from assault or police reports. Found out today they've put me, not him, me, on a CPS register and are only investigating me. My IDVA worker has been trying for almost a month to contact the SS manager due to what's been said to me (removal of kids if I don't "co-parent" with him and do what he wants, as well as pushing for mediation which previously ended in December's nightmare) and the fact they said the same thing to her.

Called GP who said that's ridiculous wanting daily updates. GP wrote another note and emailed it over. Not good enough for the school. Unsure what else to do.

Please can someone advise. I'm terrified as everyone's taken my ex's side and don't believe me other than DA charities. He said he would take the kids if I left and honestly I can see they're working with him to do that. I wish I'd never left. My friends have my email password etc in case something happens to me as I've got a diary on there, and he keeps insisting I have to meet his friends for drop offs and considering the most recent assault and previous police advice, they've all told me not to do this. But I'm the one being difficult according to SS. They won't reply to any of my emails and have just said it's "conflicted parents". A black eye and assault isn't conflicted parents. Neither is SA, stalking, criminal damage, threats... They won't listen.

Idk what to do as school don't believe my kids are sick even with GP reports 😕 I'm so scared because he's started sending false allegations on the parenting app, saying they've had bruises and scratches and he will NOT ask the school, I have to answer him. I asked school to keep a written record of those days to help me (as he collected from school) and school refusing. But then they're being horrible about the kids being sick and I can't help that?? My son's fever was 39.8 with both ibuprofen and Calpol?

School can definitely administer medicine on site… I would push them on that immediately.

Can't you just send them a daily report?

I mentioned that to the attendance officer and she has ignored it and just said I need to do daily reports. Our eldest had an ear infection and was on antibiotics last year, the school refused to administer and said I'd have to leave work and come to school and do it. They won't even give Calpol or ibuprofen. But then they've also refused to give my kids an ELSA worker even though everyone keeps recommending it for them 😕

I've sent them everything today. But they don't believe me even with the photo of the temperature? And the GP has said they won't provide daily reports as it's ridiculous, too.

That was quick. You've emailed them this morning, attached a photograph of the thermometer and they've emailed back to say they don't believe you?

They actually did that?

I think for them to be off school most weeks is very excessive and I'm not surprised it's raised concerns, however my dc are feeling under the weather a lot and I always send them in and tell the teacher, they can always ring and I'll collect them if they are really poorly, 9/10 they fell better and stay at school, so first step poorly or not send them in to try.
My dd had a skin infection around her mouth and was prescribed antibiotics and the school were more than happy to give her the lunchtime dose so that's very unusual.
Best thing you can do and most importantly is get those children in to school and visible, this is why they'll be most concerned.

Agree with this.

It’s definitely not normal for children to be so unwell every week that they are missing school. Everything else aside that would be raising red flags in any primary school I think and a good one would also be insisting on extra checks/reporting this.

The school need to consider the child protection aspect with DV cases and safest place for kids in these situations is often school so the school will be working hard to ensure your kids are in school.

But, your sickness seems excessive!! I think you need to get them into school more, even if school send them home.

I'd also be speaking to a doctor about reasons why your kidd are sick so often. It's unusual for temps not to come down with calpol or ibuprofen and definitely unusual for it not to come down with both.

Re your ex. Keep on at social services. Put everything in emails so you have a written record. Have they put your kids on the child in need or child protection? If so, both are good and can help.

I had done the thermometer in the morning anyway, and SS the NHS app after the call and called the GP - who was really quick - and sent it all over. They sent back they need daily updates (again) so my GP wrote the letter and emailed it over and I've not heard from since. I will still send daily emails but all I can do is state my son is sick and still on antibiotics, that they've refused to administer themselves along with Calpol etc, anyway. Which I always thought was weird but assume it's in case they give another child the wrong medicine.

Normal cold etc is fine, we get up 5.30/6am so they will have Calpol after breakfast and then see how they are prior to school - like if my boys are fighting (not larthegic etc, but you know got the energy to sass) then I send in. It's only if they're genuinely sick. And if I keep them off and they are hyper at home, the next day they will go back in. Stuff like vomiting, I don't get a choice because it's a 48 policy, and I've had incidents where they've vomited (either night before or in morning) and a few hours later been fine, so I'd like to send them the next day but the school has actually stopped me. Then they complain they aren't in; but I can't do anything about that?

I have mentioned to the thingy worker (forgot name sorry) about them refusing to administer medicine so maybe she will come back with something else about that. Like my LO, if he doesn't have a fever again tonight/morning/seems better, I want to send him in tomorrow but he still needs his medicine. My work is 30/45 mins drive away, so ideally the school would do it. I'm sure when I was a kid my school gave medicine but I went to private school so idk if it's different

Schools are under a lot of pressure about attendance.

This means they are putting pressure on you.

If your GP has contacted them that will help.

In the meantime, just document every single time they are off. Start a word doc or note on your phone with each date and with why they were off. Make sure you have an email record of why they were off. Get it it writing from the school that they will not administer medicines.

Well I've tried and it's why I go to my GP and the GP is aware of my concerns. But idk how to help the kids other than multivitamins; I mean fgs my youngest was collected, and hour later vomiting blood and spent the weekend in and out of a&e over it and it just got marked off as "things happen" 🫠 which I don't think is normal for a child but my solicitor said I can only keep taking to doctor for evidence; but doesn't actually help because you can't prove how a child gets sick (I mean unless it's poison or something). And the GP doesn't want to do health tests because it's invasive and they don't feel they need them 🫠 it's more my youngest (4) then my eldest (7), but still, it's been like 2 months consistently. I'm lucky my boss is understanding or id have no job by now.

Yes, if they are in school also, there is a record of their wellbeing. So I'd rather they be there/education and also the social skills.

I am sort of, how do I explain, so last time my son threw up in the afternoon/seemed fine, then hours later was larthegic and I had to call 111 and go to out of hours GP (got note!) as he literally passed out (head conked and rolled to side) and wasn't responding immediately (just a few noises), and he was screaming when he was awake (111 heard all this). So we went to out of hours GP, seen to, just said it's a really bad flu, give Calpol/ibuprofen, keep in bed etc. So when I say to the school he's sick, I don't mean normal cold. It's just bleh because I don't understand where it's all coming from
Even the rashes. Whole body rashes. I sent into school as GP said it's not chicken pox etc, but then kids get fever, distressed, school says not to send and then get mad at me for not sending so I'm left 🤷‍♀️ I had that for something like 6 weeks, it kept coming and going and I asked the GP for an allergy test in case and they said no, and that they thought it was viral and would go by itself.

Honestly idk what to do because they come back sick every single time and you can't ask their dad what's going on because he then puts messages like "oh well it's been happening for weeks, clearly you've done something to them". And I'm stressed because if it had been happening for "weeks", you should have called the GP or said something weeks ago etc. so I can't ask him how the kids were prior to school because he's pants.

And I am sorry I know it sounds like excuses, I'm just trying to explain stress. I do take them GP as much as I can; idk what the vomiting is about but my friend said maybe just email the school that they are poorly VS vomiting, so then if they feel better they can go in the next day?

Okay, I will only email from now on then. I don't think the school will put it in writing? I have tried to get lots of things in writing and often ignored 🫠 which is also stressful. I just screen record phone calls now, I know I sound bananas but my boss and my IDVA worker have all heard the conversations so I have validation 😅

You need it in writing from the school OP, your covert recordings and second hand “yes I heard that” will mean absolutely nothing if it gets to the point of court.

You really need to start being pushy back with the school, don’t let them ignore you, if they are refusing to give medication then you go into reception and ask for that in writing, signed, or sent by email. Do not leave until they have done one of those two things.

Okay, I will do, thank you.

I finally got hold of my health visitor just now, too, so asking them for advice

Most schools won't administer Calpol etc unless prescribed and only antibiotics when the prescription is four times per day. If it's there times it can be done outside of school hours.

If the school are insistent they won't do it at all, all your GP is there are alternatives to fit around school. You shouldn't have to do that but needs must as the devil drives.

With regards to the rest, I think the most you can do is keep a record of everything, like a diary. Can you get someone else to come to these meetings with you? For support but also to be a second opinion on why they are not taking on board what your are telling them.

Honestly idk what to do because they come back sick every single time and you can't ask their dad what's going on because he then puts messages like "oh well it's been happening for weeks, clearly you've done something to them". And I'm stressed because if it had been happening for "weeks", you should have called the GP or said something weeks ago etc. so I can't ask him how the kids were prior to school because he's pants.

Have you heard of Munchausen syndrome by proxy?
I'm not suggesting you have this but as I was reading that they come back from their dads and they're sick every single time, I'd be concerned about his motives and their sickness.

Yeah 🙁I actually know of a case where a man was deliberately making his kids sick when he had them at the weekend so that it would fuck up his ex wife's work.

Oh okay, I didn't know that. Yes it's 3 times, we do after breakfast between 6.30-7am, and then ~1/2pm and ~6.30/7pm evening again. I've been trying to break it up "evenly". Plus he hates the stuff, I had to call the pharmacy as he bit me 😒 but he's adjusted now, at least.

Yes, health visitor said contact GP about everything from now on and explain so GP is aware and can support.

The school don't like others coming in; I keep trying to insist for things in writing for this reason. Not because I want to be difficult, but because it makes everyone accountable. I know I am very protective of my boys and can be a bit butt hurt, but even stuff like bullying before, the school covered up. So I do get butthurt. But I'll just try to keep a diary and more records, probably email everything to myself dated.

Yes, I watch CSI etc 😅 I wouldn't know how he was even getting them sick (vomiting wise) but the viruses etc, I assume that's just bad luck? I don't really want to get into my opinion on the people he has the kids around/drugs/filth (his mum's a hoarder) etc because I can't prove and no one listens to me, anyway. I can only state what I'm concerned over and have on record.

As for making them sick on purpose 🙃 that would be end up with me going off topic and rants about financial abuse, psychological, etc... he's already tried sabotaging my work etc, so.

Most schools now also request you call in everyday to reconfirm the sickness and with an estimate of return. It's a pain but 🤷🏻

You can also email them back after a face to face or telephone chat to keep as a record.

Example

Hi

Just to follow up on today's conversation, you (or Mr Smith) called today to confirm that my child was absent today because of sickness. I explained they had a temperature of 39 degrees and had been to see the GP. Hopefully they'll will recover soon.

I hope that is accurate.

Many thanks

Just means if they have an issue with anything they can correct it but otherwise it's like sending the notes of a meeting to all who attended.

Then if they dispute you can say, well I emailed you the details 🤷🏻

3 a day antibiotics do not need to be exactly evenly spaced . Give it to them as soon as they wake up, as soon as you pick them up from school and wake them when you go to bed for the last dose.

Oh, I didn't know this... Usually if it's been 2/3 days (like if he's still off tomorrow) I would have emailed. I mean my kids have been going there for 3yrs (going by eldest) and this was never brought up. But I mean 🫠 I assume if I've said he's off with a vomit bug or sickness etc, they'd use common sense. But I guess it's an admin thing. I will email etc just can't provide proof beyond doctors note and photo of the temperature thingy; and the doctors sent an email for them to state they won't do a daily report. And then you lot and the health visitors helped make me panic less; I do panic because I'm used to everything being my fault. It's been almost a year and I still panic because the crazy-man still sends me nonsense and my brain hasn't quite got past self-doubt, yet 🫠

Thank you.

Okay, thank you. I just worry. I have to send the antibiotics to their dads tomorrow, so I'm hoping he will still give to them and not ignore me 🫠 it would be mid day 4 (it's a 5 day course) so I'm hoping if he doesn't give them, what's been given is enough to still fight the infection.