State and private schools siblings

[eacapade1982]

I know this has come up before, but not exactly the same scenario. I am interested in opinions about educational disparities within a family. Twin girls. One got a full bursary at a top private school (one of the best for exam grades in the country) and the other (also bright, maybe not quite as bright as her sister) didn’t get a bursary, didn’t get any of her state school choices and got allocated a failing school that ‘requires improvement’, where only 10% of kids get a 5 in maths and English. Do they both just go to the respective schools they’ve been allocated? Is this likely to cause bad feeling/resentment in the future? No way can the parents afford to send the other twin to a private school, they are on a very low income.

They may suggest half a bursary per child but that doesn’t do anything for you, you’re still paying a set off fees. What a difficult situation but you’ll gain a lot from the knowledge Twin 1 will bring home, can you support twin 2 with clubs and tutoring?

You have to let Twin 1 meet her potential, absolutely.

I know a family where one child went to an independent and the other went to a ropey comp. They have nothing in common now - different accents, different results - basically they are different classes now, which is an awful thing to say, but the consequences are even worse to see. The state school one fell in with a bad lot and went off the rails. There is a lot of resentment from one and the other looks down on their sibling and thinks they are a loser. They don’t have any contact now.

Not private school but grammar, the one who didn't pass actually grew in confidence being a bigger fish in a smaller pond and did really well at GCSE. I would see if you can afford to move somewhere with a better school catchment and appeal for a school on the basis of twin 2's extracurricular interests. I think you denying the opportunity to twin 1 is probably worse than blaming it on the school/ the system for twin 2 going to the catchment school.

Oh and they are all close as siblings regardless of going to different schools.

I agree with the advice to talk to the private school. Depending on the conversations you've already had, they might not fully understand the situation (eg they may not realise what poor options you have for Twin 2). You're unlikely to get anywhere with the state school, because they'll be bound by more precise rules, but the private school won't be. I'm not suggesting they'll suddenly change their minds, but if for example another of their full bursary students pulls out, they might bump Twin 2 to the top of the waiting list, even if she isn't technically 'next' in terms of exam scores

mother of twins here - this is such a difficult position to be in! Definitely agree that holding back twin 1 is worse than accepting the unequal outcome. As a general rule I will provide extra to a twin that needs it, but I wouldn’t take something away or hold one back - that would create equality but not fairness. It sounds like they have done the best they could for both twins, just with different results - tw2 will expectedly feel the unfairness of the situation, but cannot blame her parents. I would definitely speak with the private school, go on waitlists, etc. but then also try and think about other things they can do for tw2 to help balance.

Please also be mindful that with an invested family like you. It’s unlikely Twin 2 will ‘fail’ as I said above Twin 1 will add so much value; my friends with kids at State schools ask me a lot of questions about our Private school, I support how I can. Eg if there are events on they might not be aware of but open to the public. Any lectures, I’ve often brought them along to talks etc or asked if they want to come.

Is a fee-paying place for DC2 available at the same school as for DC1? If so, it might be possible to find an external sponsor to cover the fees - or at least to get you part-way, after which a plea to school emphasising what both girls would bring to the school might motivate them to bridge the gap: https://educational-grants.org/find-charity/

I don’t think it’s fair to expect twin 1 to ‘add value’ to twin 2. If she does get an opportunity to gave a better education than her sister I don’t think she should be made to feel guilty or responsible for her sister.

Why didn’t they try for bursaries at more private schools? It was always a massive risk to only go for one school when most applicants will be taking multiple exams.