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Original poster

State and private schools siblings

36 replies

eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 22:24

I know this has come up before, but not exactly the same scenario. I am interested in opinions about educational disparities within a family. Twin girls. One got a full bursary at a top private school (one of the best for exam grades in the country) and the other (also bright, maybe not quite as bright as her sister) didn’t get a bursary, didn’t get any of her state school choices and got allocated a failing school that ‘requires improvement’, where only 10% of kids get a 5 in maths and English. Do they both just go to the respective schools they’ve been allocated? Is this likely to cause bad feeling/resentment in the future? No way can the parents afford to send the other twin to a private school, they are on a very low income.

OP posts:
LimeSqueezer · 02/03/2024 22:41

I think there's serious risk of resentment either way. It would be understandable for Twin2 to be frustrated and resentful that her sister gets to go to a better school. But should Twin1 be denied the opportunity she earned to attend a very top school because her sister didn't manage to do as well? If you make Twin1 miss out on such a huge opportunity, I think she'd be likely to resent both her sister and her parents.

I'd send Twin1 to the top private school and try to get Twin2 moved to a better state school and perhaps support her to target 6th form bursaries.

ButterflyTable · 02/03/2024 22:42

Did you only go for one Private school?

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 22:44

Only one offered full bursaries (which are needed). Both did not get into a very selective state but there were only a small number of places based on ability and hundreds of applicants

OP posts:
Tired6789 · 02/03/2024 22:48

How do they feel about going to different schools?

LimeSqueezer · 02/03/2024 22:52

I also think that Twin2 might also derive a bit of benefit having sister in a top school when it comes to all sorts of things, like uni advice, course options, study habits, etc. Of course needs to be managed sensitively.

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 22:55

Twin 2 is upset she didn't get any of her choices and she only narrowly missed out on the selective state school.

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 02/03/2024 22:56

I couldn’t do this. It will cause huge resentment. One of the best public schools in the UK versus a struggling state school for twin girls? Twins!? That makes it worse. After a year or two it will be like they’re from two totally different walks of life. One will be spending her school holidays at the park or shopping precinct the other will be skiing with her best friend whose parents own a place in Switzerland.

surreygirl1987 · 02/03/2024 22:57

I don't have a twin but my brother is close in age to me. If I found out that my parents didn't send me to a top private school because of my brother, I'd be devastated. I'm already upset about finding out that my parents were recommend by a teacher that I try for a bursary at our local top private school (I was incredibly clever, and my parents were poor so would have been offered 100% off fees) just because they found out they'd still have to pay for uniform (which they could have got second hand and as it turns out would have cost the same as my state school uniform anyway). I ended up at a terrible state school and stuck out like a sore thumb for being so nerdy and top of the year etc. If you do decide to not send your daughter to the private school, you must never ever tell her why.

Slanketblanket · 02/03/2024 22:58

If they're identical send them to both on alternate days.

Just remind them of their name today as they leave the house.

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 22:59

I think another factor is that they are close in ability! Both very bright but only the top few percent of applicants got offered bursaries.

OP posts:
Tired6789 · 02/03/2024 23:00

It's an incredibly difficult situation as either decision could leave one twin resenting the other. I think it is important to discuss with the twins. If they are desperate to not be separated then that answers it for you. If twin with the bursary is desperate to go to that school then that also may decide it. You could then look to try and move the other twin to a better school in time. Depending on where you live there may be a lot of movement in schools and you may be able to move to better school in year or two

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 23:00

Haha that would be an interesting scheme. They aren't identical.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 02/03/2024 23:02

I went to the local comprehensive. DSis went to a private school. We still talk. And FWIW, I did better at both O and A Levels and went to university (she didn't).

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 23:03

They wanted to go to the same school but the twin who got the bursary understandably doesn't want to go to the poorly performing school. The other twin hasn't got a choice. Will appeal but is unlikely to get in as out of catchment.

OP posts:
vivalasviva · 02/03/2024 23:05

Is the bursary at a day or boarding school?

Frbct · 02/03/2024 23:06

I don't think you can deny twin1 the opportunity- especially as she already knows she's got the place. I agree that you should try to move twin 2 when you can to a better performing school

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 23:06

It's a day school.

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Zippedydoodahday · 02/03/2024 23:07

I wonder if it's worth a conversation with the private school. Extremely long shot that they'd do something, but you never know.

Frbct · 02/03/2024 23:10

Also I would try to compensate in different ways for twin 2. Can they afford a tutor or extra classes

SoftPillowAllNight · 02/03/2024 23:23

If one has missed out narrowly at the selective state then there is a good chance of bagging a seat by September. Don't deny your other child the chance to go to a top school based on what you have in hand today.

Meadowbird · 02/03/2024 23:24

Talk to the private school. Tell them you are really struggling- you can’t have your daughters having such different experiences.

Thesoundofmusic23 · 02/03/2024 23:26

Is home school until something better comes up a possibility for twin 2?

Original poster
eacapade1982 · 02/03/2024 23:32

Mum works full time on a low income. Dad works part time nights also on a low income but doesn't have the skills or language for home schooling. Narrowly missed out was she was in the top 50 out of 800 but only the top 30 offered places. Don't think there's any chance of a place at the selective state school.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 03/03/2024 00:10

I wonder if it's worth a conversation with the private school. Extremely long shot that they'd do something, but you never know

Worth a conversation

Leila85 · 03/03/2024 00:19

My cousins were in similar situation. One of them went to top private school with bursary and another one went to state school. Their parents spend money for the one who was in state school (extracurricular and private tutor for GCSE) and also they tried to save money as much as they can for her because she wasn’t academic. The one who went to private school became teacher and another one has a dry cleaner now (opened the business with the money with the savings). Both happy now - I believe the one who has dry cleaner shop earns more now and has less stressful life:) So trust me, its not end of the world.

But as you mentioned your both DD is bright so make sure she will be in good state school or maybe try again for 13+?