Moving schools when one is happy and one is very unhappy

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Hi all. I have two DC who go to a small village school. On is in year 4 and the other year 2. My DD in year 4 has had ongoing friendship issues probably since mid year 2. The dynamics are just really tricky (there are only 4 girls in her year group). She is now regularly unhappy and saying the other girls are mean to her. I think she struggles a bit socially- she likes people to follow rules and sometimes tries to manage rule breaking herself (we have spoken about this lots of times), but they seem to verbally call her names on a daily basis then exclude her. School have tried to support but there is not a big enough pool of girls to be able to manage this. If she ignores and walks off she will be by herself. She has to do class work with them etc.so there is very little escape.

I am seriously starting to think about moving her to a slightly larger school. She knows a few children there and likes them. I am worried that this may not solve the problem though and she will have to adapt to a whole new set of dynamics.

My other issue is my DC in year 2 is settled and plays well in a much more balanced group of children. She doesn't have any best friends though. I am worried about uprooting her.

Due to the location of their current school it feeds into two high schools, but most of the children in both of my DCs classes will go to the other high school than the one my DC will go to.

So my options seem to be

1. move both kids in the hope that my older DC won't feel so miserable all the time (but risk one or both being unsettled at the new school)
2. keep younger dc in current school and move the older child (logistically very tricky, but doable with breakfast club) or
3. just keep them both at their current school and hope high school is a better experience?

If anyone has any advice or experience of this then I would really appreciate your thoughts.

Your Dd sounds ND.

Just move the one that is unhappy, you’ve tried to make it work, it doesn’t. Don’t jump to assume there’s something about your dd, she’s not in a good situation. I’d move if it were my dd.

Option 2

Definitely move the older child.

For the youngest i would offer the option as exciting new school and see if happy to move to he at same school as sibling (and make logistics easier). If they didnt want to i would do the two drop offs.

Option 2, you tried sticking it out. But 2 more years is a long time to wait. And it’s unlikely to change if there are so few girls. Does the other school have a place for her? If they do, I’d look to change at Easter.

That what I thought when the OP said about following rules and managing rule breaks on top of struggling with friendships.

Does the older one want to move? If she is ND it will probably be very stressful for her even if it is the best thing. I would see if she could visit a couple of times before a decision is made to make the transition easier, but I'd definitely try. You could do the same with the younger one.

I would definitely not keep dd1 there. 2+ years is way too long to stay in an unhappy situation.

You say that the new school is slightly larger. If your dd is ND (your post sounds like it is possible) then that school might still be too small to get support and find a potential friend or two. Are there any schools with 10+ girls in a class rather than the current 5?

I think I’d struggle in a small school with only 3 other girls. Not fair to jump straight to ND, she’s not had a great opportunity to flourish really.

I’d move them both personally.

It was the sticking to rules that made me think ND. Mine was the same. Later diagnosed at 16

Definitely move just your older DD if you can make it work. All kids are different and a school may well suit one and not the other.

I have kids at two different schools in different towns - same start time . They are in the best school for them . If you can make it work I would .2 years is a long time to be unhappy at school

My friend had exactly this situation. Older girl was unhappy, tiny school, only about 3/4 other girls and they weren’t nice to her. Also year 4. Little one was year one and he was happy but she moved them both. Little one took a few weeks to get used to it but they’re both loving their new and bigger school now and thriving. So based on that I would move them both.

This move dd that is unsettled and leave the other one where they are

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful advice.

I have recently started to wonder about Nd because she is so black and white about rules. she is otherwise a bubbly sporty child when not in school and does well academically generally. She definitely shows some anxiety at home around various things. She missed half of reception year due to the first lockdown so I wonder about the impact of that too. I love that she has such a strong sense of right and wrong (and is thoughtful and kind) but I can see when there are other big personalities in class and none have developed their social skills enough to manage it, her rigidity around this may cause issues.
But to watch her go to school today all hunched over and looking sad and worried was heartbreaking.
She has asked to move schools previously and I think she would be nervous but happy to move.
I appreciate your thoughts on the other DC and what to do there... Ironically if you had asked me before either started school who would have the most difficulties with school and friendships I would've said the younger one!

Definitely 1 or 2.

Is it mixed year group classes? Has your DD not made friends with any children not in her year?

I'd say move them both. The older one definitely needs a chance in a school with way more girls her age, and the younger one seems to have good social skills and would cope with the change. If she had a best friend (or even a best friend group) I would say just move the older one, but that would be difficult for the next two years. If the younger child was strongly against moving I might just move the older one.

It is a mixed year group. Currently in her 3/4 year group there are 3 girls in the year 3 group. DD is the oldest in her year and the year 3 girls are much younger. She has some friends in year 5 so next year she will be back with them, but there are no particularly strong friendships.
DD gets on with the boys well enough but she is really craving female friends

2

You might find naturally the second child decides they want to move as well if their sibling settles well and is happy. If not - it's only for a couple of years that you'd be juggling the 2 schools.

Move the year 4 child. If it sorts the problem then decide if you're going to juggle the 2 school runs or you need/want to move the younger.

It can be a mixture of the other children and their personality.

I know that it was always said how much easier my year was than dsis, in both primary and secondary. And that was right. Both were a far nicer year group without the bitchiness that dsis' year had. BUT also dsis struggled socially. In fact the older she gets the more noticeable that she, at times, just does not have a clue about what I would see as normal interactions, and she doesn't get it when you try to explain, nor is she prepared to alter what she does to make it easier for others.

I'd leave your younger one there if possible. If your older one blooms in the new school, you may find the younger one asking to move and then you can consider it from a more knowledgeable position. But if the older one doesn't bloom then you don't either get the position where the younger one hates it too and you have two unhappy children, or the younger one does and the older one really feels that it must be them because everyone else is fine.

Move the older one without doubt.

Does the new school have a natural starting point? Eg if it’s multi form do they mix up the classes at any point? Or is there a point at which quite a few kids join/leave? If so I’d aim to move dc2 at that point and manage the logistics till then.

If there isn’t a natural start point then I’d say move the younger one in Sept. She’s only y2 and will make new friends quickly especially in a larger form.