Struggling with school choices (London)

[coconutstream]

DS is in an independent all-through school (school A) that goes all the way to A levels. He also has a scholarship offer from another school (school B) for Y9 entry.

School B is academically stronger with a better 'name' and better exit results, and apparently better pastoral care. It also plays a sport that DS is good at, and goes to national level. We all agree that school B will be better for him. However, DS is extremely comfortable with school A and has a lovely set of friends and there are no issues. He does his sport on the weekends, but cannot play it in school.

Should we go for school B? Will he be traumatised by leaving a group of close friends as a teenager? DS feels sad about losing his 'gang' but also thinks school B is the better school.

at that age, I think you have to talk through the pros and cons with him, then let him make the decision himself. If you push him one way or the other, you'll be hearing about it forever. If money is not unduly tight, then don't let the scholarship be the deciding factor. I've seen situations where parents have pushed the child toward the larger scholarship and the child has not been all that happy. It is too long a time to be unhappy. If your son is currently happy and has his gang, do you really need the better pastoral care?

That’s a tough choice. What year is he currently? What is the difference in commute between the two schools? Is it an academic scholarship or for something else like sport (if not academic, are there any concerns about him going to a more academically challenging school)? lf school B didn’t work out, would he be able to return to school A (ie is school A currently full)?

Depending on the answers to these, I’d be inclined to move him if he’d get to do his sport and it has better results and pastoral care.

Also wanted to add that if he’s been with the same kids for years (all-through school) it is sometimes good to get a chance to move and make new friends.

@EctopicSpleen the fees are very similar (even with the scholarship) so that's not a concern. Agree, the pastoral care is less important at the moment. Stepping into the unknown is very difficult especially when you don't have any issues currently! Especially as you say, if he complains about the move for the next few years!

@Jackal313 Currently Y8 so need to decide fairly soon! Commute is similar (train vs bus but overall time is the same). DS isn't academically a genius but is diligent and does very well at times. He didn't qualify for a scholarship at his current school but strangely qualified in school B which is meant to be harder. I think he will be fine in B, but hard to predict where he will do better.

A is a selective London school and may or may not have places to come back to. We have been there ages so they may give us an opportunity to come back to the school.

Why did you apply? You must have thought it was better and dc presumably agreed? Of course a through school is a comfort zone and taken by people who don’t want their dc to have to compete. You obviously changed your mind and have treated it as a prep school. I think that’s the explanation for dc. It was prep for the senior school.

How important is the sport at school? How important are results of other dc? How important is pastoral care which cannot possibly be judged!? Will the new school open more doors? Does he make friends easily and are all dc going to the new school starting in y9 or are some already there? I would probably move! But not if dc is unhappy and won’t make the best of it.

If he’s in Y8 now that’s hard, I was thinking he might be Y7 or even Y6. Do most children at school A go through to Y9 and / or is there a big intake into the school then? This might change the current friendship dynamics anyway. And also at school B (PP’s point above) - are most kids already there or is there a big intake at Y9?

From personal experience, having a DC able to do the sport they love at school has been wonderful. It also would allow him to progress more in it than if only playing at weekends.

If the commute is the same, then go to School B: opportunity to play sports at high level, change of environment will energise him and stronger academics/exit results. He will make new friends and can still see old friends during weekends/holidays.

More importantly, like you said, if it turns out to be a "mistake" move, School A will most likely take him back since you're a known family to them and plus they don't want to lose the income. Kids leave and come back all the time to same school-this is London and the population is very transient.

School A will take him back in a heartbeat if you explain the situation but School B won't give him another opportunity.

Does school Bhave a large entry or start at Year 9? Just thinking that friendships may have already been formed if it's a school that has earlier entry.

I think I’d leave him where he is happy and not rock the boat.

I would leave him where he is. He’s happy. That goes a long way.

It’s nice to play sports with different people to those you see every day.

There is a very large intake at Y9 so that should be fine and friendships fairly easy to form.

Yes it's very tricky at this stage, and early teenages can be hard to navigate at the best of times.

It's a large intake so it should be fine. I am also a little tired of driving him to the weekend lessons so would be nice to have the school take care of the sport a little. But its only a minor point of convenience.

Are no other dc leaving the through school? He’s surely not the only one?

Even in Y8/9 friendship groups can change as they mature. Most kids have to leave their ’gang’ for Y7 and adjust very well. If he’s been in the same school since reception, it might be good for him to have the experience of making new friends. And he could still see his old friends at weekends if he wanted to, particularly if he’s not having to do sport. It seems like your DS also thinks it’s the right choice.

Thanks for all the comments, it sounds like friendship groups can be lost and made at this age, will discuss with DS and if he is happy will go ahead with B. I just don't want him to be miserable in the new school, but it's so hard to predict!

Could you try and find some more buys who will be joining at yr9 or already attend school B?

Id go for it if I was you/him. He can stay friends with his old gang at school A. It’s a good lesson for him in moving on, new life chapters, keeping in touch with friends etc. we all have to do it at some point.

I'd go for school B personally.

We know 3 boys already there at school B. Absolutely, for me it would be a no-brainer at that age and would want to move to a better school (friends or no friends!). But DS is different and I wonder if it's a boy thing to value a friendship group so much. Maybe it's just a comfort factor as PP have mentioned - he probably needs to learn how to make new friends!