Have you ever bothered trying to persuade a family member to get a SEND diagnosis?

[Peppaissoannoying]

We have three children and the oldest is autistic. He is now 13 and we had him diagnosed very early meaning he’s had almost a decade of interventions and this has helped him to overcome many barriers and keep up with his peers having been behind. However, it has been hard work and has taken a lot of effort over many years.

My SIL has two children and her youngest has all the markers our oldest has. Her oldest hit all the milestones quickly (and didn’t we hear about it, especially how much more advanced this younger child was in comparison to our eldest even tho a few years younger) so I know she is grieving for what she thinks should have been. It is not helped by the fact that our youngest is nine months younger than her child that is having issues, tho would appear to be the older child in terms of development.

My MIL has gently tried to tell her that she might want to look at start moving towards getting her youngest on the list for assessment, especially as it takes so long, and to start ruling out other things that could be impacting his development but SIL won’t even get the simplest tests done even to rule other things out. It’s like it’s a total insult to her.

So on the one hand, I feel I have to just leave her to it as it’s not my place and she has to come to it in her own sweet time but on the other hand, I just know she’s doing her child no favours if she doesn’t start the process asap. Would you even bother trying to speak to her about it? Or just leave her to it?

I think I would talk in general terms about how much the diagnosis had helped my child, and how much more difficult life would have been without it. About how your child is still the same lovely person they always were, but how much easier life is now they understand the autism makes them think differently and perceive the world differently, and how glad you are that they understand that for themselves. Maybe about how shocking it is how long the waiting lists for assessment are and how you are glad you agreed for him to be put on a waiting list when you weren't at all sure of the outcome yourself rather than waiting until he was struggling to the extent of things turning to crisis point.
But do it all as a reflection of your own life rather than criticising her decision. Many parents do need a long time to come to terms with things.

If you have a look at the SNChildren board here, you will find that many parents will refuse to acknowledge that their child is different or needs help. Most of the time it's the dads, but sometimes it's the mums.

It's such a shame because the longer the parent refuses to see that the child needs help, the more the child suffers in the long term.

I don't think there's anything you can do to make the situation any better, apart from wait in the background until his mother takes her blinkers off and is ready to accept your advice and practical help.

@BlankTimes Yes tho she was quick enough to highlight the differences with our own child of course.

@BlankTimes And the innocuous tests include hearing tests for gods sake. Hardly emotive. I just don’t understand.

Is he at school yet? Have they not suggested anything?

I think leave them to it.

@Feartraining Well, from what I have seen the school is trying to lay it out as ‘things he need to improve’ on

I think you should leave well alone, unless she comes to you for advice. It sounds like you have a frosty, resentful relationship, which won't help.

I've just written a long post which has fritzed into the ether

In short, many of the tests are observing the child at school, used to be at home too but not sure if that's still done, the child is not aware they are being 'tested'

School can't directly say We think he has autism or we think he's neurodiverse, but they can highlight things he needs extra help with, which they are doing.

You said upthread his mother was keen to point out how more advanced for his age he is. Maybe he has hyperlexia, people who know nothing of neurodiversity often think their children are very advanced, e.g. my dd could read and write aged 3 and in those days there wasn't the info around to know that's a possible marker for ND.

In your shoes, I'd not say any more to her, but make accommodations for him when you are together.

Leave her to it. If she wants advice she will ask for it. She has a dialogue with the school and that’s helpful. Not everyone will push for everything when they should.

I have a child with a range of diagnoses. I would not say anything or suggest anything unless asked for my opinion. It can be harder and more hurtful to hear it from family- particularly if she has had a sense of competing with you (her comparisons with your child for example) so i would leave it for the teachers and the school to suggest it to her. They may well have done so already but you have not been told about it. I know i never talked about this to members of my family for various reasons.

You don't know what is going on behind the scenes and what is happening. But you can certainly be in a good position to provide guidance and support if asked for.

I think it very much depends on the relationships and the child. I had one particularly pushy relative who relentlessly pushed for ds to be diagnosed. She had very limited understanding of the situation and had decided we were “in denial”. Nothing actually could have been further from the truth and the issue was “what the dx should be” not “if there was a disability”. It was exhausting and added to the sadness because she discussed it happily with all the family.

In my experience what you want from your family is love and acceptance and for them to respect your choices for your child.
I’m obviously posting with a lot of baggage though.

My general thought is that a parent knows the child best. Not auntie so and so.

TizerorFizz I'd agree with you for the most part but some parents really cannot see what their child is like.

When it comes to ND, some parents are in denial for a very long time whereas it's obvious it could do with investigation to people who have ND kids with the same type of characteristics.

I suggested very gently to someone that it might help their dd to be checked after they had expressed concern and asked for help about a couple of things which were well out of being age appropriate. They went up the wall at the the idea.

Unfortunately 10 years later both their dc would clearly have benefited from being checked and are struggling, but their parents can't see it.

I've also been in the situation where when meeting a relative's baby for the first time, I did wonder as they had some facial peculiarities (like Downs can be distinctive, but not the same). I didn't say anything at all, and never had.
I know they were sent for genetic testing at one point (because they've got very distinctive names and a friend was there at the same time) but they insist that there is nothing wrong and everything is "normal" even though the child is now nearly 8yo and clearly not developing normally. They do have 1-2-1 in school though, so I'm hoping that it is just that they don't like to talk about it and the child is getting the help they need.

In the first case I knew them better than the second case, but I thought actually it might have been a relief to check things out as they were worried, if I'd known how they would have reacted then I wouldn't have said anything.
With the second case I don't think I'd have said anything, possibly even if asked directly, because I don't feel I know them well enough for that sort of conversation.

For various reasons, beyond the diagnosis of my own child, this is an area I do know about so I could help, but once a while back I mentioned something in passing about autism and the look on her face! But as I say, she has previously been happy enough to fully discuss the issues and problems our daughter has had behind our backs, which meant before that I thought it was something she would be happy to be discussed should the boot be on the other foot. I am not saying that @cuckiemonsta because I have a resentful relationship with her. It's purely a factual statement.

I think you aren’t being honest with yourself about how you feel about her or this situation.

There are other conditions. Unless you’re going to reveal you are a developmental paediatrician I would suggest you aren’t the expert you think you are.

Honestly, you need to keep out of it. It really isn't your or your DMs place at all to interfere.

It’s wonderful to hear that you had your child diagnosed very early and he’s therefore had nearly a decade of interventions already. Many people have a very different experience though. My son has been under neonatology/paediatrics/children’s services since birth and yet he was nine and a half by the time we finally got his autism diagnosis (not helped by his Ofsted Outstanding infant school repeatedly sabotaging our attempts to get the diagnosis). He now attends a special school and is unlikely to ever live fully independently so it’s not like his autism was hard to detect!

It can be so so hard to even start the process, let alone get a diagnosis. Waiting lists are years long. Maybe your SIL is dreading the thought of trying to start such a long and unforgiving process if she thinks her child’s needs are being met currently.

I agree, it does sound like you desperately want her child to have an ASD, and you are not really in a position to judge, and there is nothing more insulting, aggravating and rage inducing than someone "gently trying to get things moving" as you say your MIL has, no doubt after gossip and plotting with you. MIL is lucky not to be cut out of her grandchildren's lives altogether for attempting to manipulate like that. I assume she isn't a qualified paediatrician either? Good on your SIL for rising above you both

I would leave her to it unless MIL is prepared to pay for a private assessment. If you really have to make comments then judgemental parent blaming ones as it sounds like you are making from your OP nobody likes and tbh its largely funding cuts in schools and cahms that are causing issues not parents as support is supposed to be needs based not diagnosis based and its years and years to get a diagnosis and cahms will try and kick you off list at every opportunity and you have to restart. It reads like you from your OP don't like her very much, resent the fact some of her children didn't have special needs and wishing an issue with the younger one and she will be aware of that. She will be grieving for that child as well, that they can't have the life of the others due to the lack of funding and understanding in schools and lack of school places. Mine are 16 and 17 and the situation has worsened dramatically in that time. At primary age there was masses of support in school given on a needs basis as legally it should be.

Support is supposed to be needs based though its currently rationed heavily as so little funding. And diagnosis is used as one criteria as then the school and LA illegally use to deny support and blame the parent not the 4 year cahms waiting list and the dire lack of funding for schools. We got far more support pre diagnosis in an inclusive school than after it in an academy which did not give a monkeys about SN kids, diagnosis or not.

As much as you want you.help, its not your place to intervene. You have to leave her to it. Even though it's detrimental to the child.

I think it’s a big assumption to say it’s detrimental to the child. Beyond saving us from the time wasting and infuriating conversations about which diagnosis is appropriate and the teeth grindingly idiotic gentle prompts from nonprofessionals to help you recognise the disability you are the one living with, I don’t think diagnosis has brought us much to be honest.

If you are in the uK education system, diagnosis is largely irrelevant anyway, you are supported according to your needs, not your diagnosis, due to the rise in the "vending machine" diagnoses widely available, but only to the rich and privileged.

No I am not a paediatrician, but I am involved professionally in a different context and have been at the forefront of changing the way in way SEND provision is being developed for a while. I can't say anymore though as it is truly outing (and not in a latex sport kind of way).

So, I am not desperate for her child to have a learning difficulty as some kind of punishment for my life as on balance I would take where I am on so many levels over pretty much anyone so @allsfairin @TomeTome your posts are really pretty insulting. I won't bother saying anything to her though. You are right that it's her decision. Shame for her child though