Child v unhappy at school. Now find out is being teased. School doing nothing. What now?

[Whatnowwww7]

DD (age 8) is fairly new to a school. This year she has been miserable. I spoke to her school about it, and there was something about the teacher’s body language that told me she didn’t plan to do anything about it. She said she would, but I somehow knew she wouldn’t (I am also a teacher).

Anyway, two weeks later and all the things her teacher told me she’d do to help DD haven’t been done. DD keeps asking when her teacher is going to move her to another table (there’s a boy that keeps throwing his pencil at her on his table that the teacher is aware of), find the class buddy, and the other small things she said she’d do to help DD.

Today DD came out of school crying and told me that the worst thing about school is the girls who tease her every day at lunchtime and break time. I didn’t know about that, DD hasn’t told me before. I called the school but her teacher was unavailable.

Like I said, I’m also a teacher. I honestly get how hard it is. Thirty kids is a lot, let alone at lunchtime and break time, DD is quite a “invisible” child (very quiet, very shy), but I am so sad and angry that two weeks have passed and the school haven’t tried to help her.

Honestly, I want to pull her out.

Talk me down! But what do I do next? How do I advocate for her?

I know I won’t be able to sleep properly, I’m too wound up.

Meanwhile, DD is begging me not to send her back there.

Ask for ELSA support, they should be setting up a plan. Email and say you want ELSA intervention and would like a plan by the end of the week

I should also add that when I met her teacher two weeks ago, she said that the set backs could be “character building”, which internally made me so annoyed. Apparently having pencils thrown at you, finding the work challenging, and crying before school is “character building”. (Neither of us knew about the teasing then.)

Poor DD. Has she just started this term? What exactly are the mean girls saying/doing?

Go above the teachers head. Speak to the Principal. 2 weeks is too long to have done nothing.

She started in March, so she’s pretty new. She liked it then - it all seemed positive. Lovely teacher last year, kids seemed friendly enough.

This year it’s taken a total turn. Apparently these particular girls are teasing her for not getting her work done quickly (something she gets told off for, she said), they say she’s “not clever”. They also talk about things they’ve brought to school or have, and then tell her she can’t see them. It’s mainly one girl, and the others just laugh along with it. This is all what DD says, I’m sure there’s more to it, but she is a very quiet child. A bookworm and non-confrontational. She finds things like that a bit heartbreaking.

When I drop her off, I see a group of kids excitedly talking together, and DD standing off to the side with her arms sort of hugging herself.

I’ve invited a few girls over since she started, and it’s sort of helped her find people to play with at playtime, but not enough to negate the teasing or how miserable she finds school generally.

I really want to pull her out and send her somewhere smaller and gentler! I feel like I should try with this school first, but I’m so sad for her! And really angry today!

@Whatnowwww7

I think you need to speak to the school again, ask for a meeting and an action plan - with a follow up meeting. I think if the teacher isn’t implementing any strategies - or not following up - then you need to go to next in line : headteacher or KS2 co-ordinator.
DD went through highs and lows at primary school. If children were being unkind, I’d try to mediate rather than write them off as ‘bad people’. I think encouraging play dates is a good thing : DD ended up being friendlier with boys as much as girls. Finding common interests.

One teacher I spoke to said it’s important to distinguish between sibling type squabbles (children do DO this, they are learning how to behave) - and targeted bullying.

Vibes are also incredibly important. DD will pick up on your vibes, and it can become a negative cycle. So, even if you are feeling anxious about her school - try to phrase every observation as positively as possible. E.g x is a horrible boy, he threw a pencil v’s x’s behaviour was inappropriate, so what strategies can we do to solve this situation : which I’m sure you do.

Having been this kid, I’d pull her. The longer it goes on the more her self esteem is eroded which will make it harder to settle in a new school. She’ll be nervous and awkward expecting to be picked on…and therefore will. The sooner she’s away from that crap the better.

her teacher is awful. Character building?!

your daughter is coming to you now. If it continues her embarrassment around it will heighten with age and she’ll begin to not tell you stuff and will just absorb the bullying and internalise it.

if you were being treated like this at work would you continue to go in? They’re 8 - that teacher clearly fosters a negative environment if they think it’s ok to chuck pencils.

and we all know what girls are like when they get a target in their eye-line. Unless someone even more pick-able on joins the school they are just going to continue picking at her.

the teacher attitude signals what kind of school it is. Massive red flag. she’ll likely be invalidating your daughter at school as well - ie she tells teacher so and so has done something mean and teacher just rolls her eyes and says we’ll just move over there or ignore or whatever. Not fucking cool.

my priority would be teaching her that if you dread going somewhere every day, you don’t force yourself to do it. If people are cruel, you cut those fuckers from your life however you have to.

what a horrible position for you to be in. And I’m so sorry for you both. People can be mean.

Thank you - how quickly should I escalate to the head? If the teacher doesn’t start with an action plan from this week?

I continue to want to pull her out! Thank you to PPs for sharing their experiences. How long did it take you to find a nice private school? It wouldn’t be easy, but we could fund it. Did you wait until another school place came up before your took your DC out?

I would remove your DD from school. Your poor DD. It is heartbreaking when they are so unhappy.
When my DD was the same age she was badly bullied at school. Same old with the teacher, head teacher. It will get sorted, etc. Honestly looking back it was awful. Called in to pick up my DD because she was distressed. Older child tried to suffocate my DD in the playground. Other children reported it but the head teacher said it was my DD word against the older child. The bullying was going on for months and I really trusted them to sort it. They never, i knew they wouldnt. I moved my DD straight way and luckily she had a place at another primary school which was brilliant. My DD lacked confidence and even now I could cry just thinking of the sh*t show at the other school. 6 months at the new school she was happy, confident and made new friends. 10 years on she is a very happy young woman. I hope things get sorted OP.

@Whatnowwww7

I think I’d email and ask for a meeting, and copy the head in too. I’d want a list of agreed strategies minuted/formally written down - and then a date for a follow up meeting to discuss how those strategies are working.

I wouldn’t be backward in coming forward! A school does have a duty of care. They must have a policy to address these types of parental concerns - so ask to see it, or see if it’s on the school website.

Summarise the meeting you had with the class teacher in an email and send it, to the teacher and the head asking when the items discussed will be addressed.

Read up on the school bullying policy. Deliberate exclusion by peers is a form of bullying, throwing things at a child in class is bullying, persistent targeting saying she’s slow etc is bullying. Document and send it to the head and ask what they intend to do about the bullying issue in line with their own policy. If no response go to the governors. Escalate and use their policies to back yourself up, and put everything in writing, including any notes from meetings you have.

Extra curricula activities if you can get your DD to them will help establish friends out of school and help her self esteem.

Massive hugs, seeing your child so unhappy is horrible.

And it’s not fucking character building!

My anger isn’t targeted at the children - I know what children can be like, I’ve worked with them in various ways for years - it’s with the school. I told them she was struggling, at the very least they could have (and in my setting we would have) kept an eye on her at break / lunch time to see how she was then. And they’re not! And, if they are, they’re ignoring teasing rather than talking to all involved gently and kindly about how to be together.

I agree with you about vibes. I’ve been trying hard to say “we’re going to fix it with the school they were so lovely last year” etc rather than “they need to fffing sort it out!” Or “I’ll pull you out if it doesn’t get better quickly!” which is what I’m thinking!