Changing schools dilemma - all thoughts and advice gratefully recieved!

[YohoAhoy]

We've made the decision to move our children (6 & 8) to a new school. Valid reasons, we're happy with the decision and still on good terms with the 'old' school so no problems there.

The dilemma is this. Children are just finishing a trial period at the new school. There is a week and a half of term left.

Should we:

a) keep them at the new school as they've settled pretty well, and it will be less disruptive for them to simply continue on.

b) Take them back to the old school so they can see their friends (some of whom they probably won't see again), talk about the move with them, get phone numbers etc and get a chance to finish off and say goodbye in a natural end-of-term way and collect all their pictures/work/assorted stuff.

My head says (a) for a smoother transition. My heart says (a) is rather abrupt, and it would be good for them to get the 'closure' (hate that word) of (b).

Or is (b) actually crueller as it will only unsettle them more? Aaaaarrrggghhh!

Bearing in mind the Easter break is quite long, and I'm fairly sure they will wobble at going back to the new school whatever we do, we're just completely torn.

If anyone's been in a similar position and picked one of these options, or has any thoughts on the subject I would be most gratefuly as we're going round and round in circles.

Phew, that's long, sorry!

No experience, but I think I'd do a) for the reasons you give. (I also hate the word "closure".) I doubt your children are likely to want to keep in touch with anyone who's not a sufficiently close friend for phone numbers to have been exchanged already.

I would go for a), that's what we did in similar circumstances.

we've been in that position. my dds changed school twice as we moved house twice in 6 months. They were aged 6 and 5, mid-term, a planned change when we moved area. And then 6 months later in mid-September, unplanned. They had a say in the second change, but it happened very fast after we appealed to move and we found out on the Friday afternoon, went to pick them up from school, they got to say a quick goodbye and that was it.

But we did keep in touch with their friends from that school and they go back sometimes, for summer fete, swimming classes, holiday club.

I would definitely say (a). It's what we did when we moved. My DS and DD didn't want to go back to their old school to collect work etc. so I went without them, but they weren't particularly interested in what I picked up - they had already moved on!

Hmm, thank you for views so far!

At the moment although they're having a good time at the new school, they are saying they don't want to stay, and want to go back to the old school.

Hardly surprising as they've been there for years, and we've been very involved in the school.

I'm hoping this is just a natural reaction as it's all new and scary, but is obviously having an effect on what seems right and/or kindest at the moment.

I will have to pop out shortly but will be back on later, so would welcome more views

THanks again to all who've responded.

I think if you have decided that they are going to the new school, to take them back to the old one, even to say goodbye, will be confusing. Children like what they know so the old school obviously feels safe and preferable.

The kindest option I think is to be quite definite yourself about the move; present it as a fact and be supportive if/when they have a wobble. Children are far more adaptable than us I think and they will soon adjust as long as your approach is positive and consistent.

I know it's not just as big deal as your situation but dd1 had to change ballet classes recently and was very upset about having to do so. I told her that yes, it was a shame and that of course she would miss her friends and her old teacher, but I presented it as a fait accompli and reassured her that she would soon settle in. She did talk about her old classes for a little while but it soon died down and she loves her new classes now.

I'd say (a) with a little bit of (b)! I think taking them back to their old school to finish work, etc. probably won't do them any good. I would keep them at the new school for the schooling bit, but think you should take them back to say goodbye and collect their work. They need to say their goodbyes as they will have made good friendships there. Also your children are old enough to remember their old school and friends for some time. Yes they will move on and settle down but let them say goodbye and shed a few tears if they need to. I'd go to the old school with little presents for their classmates, a card they'd made for the teacher and let them say goodbye.

MY dd had to move quite suddenly and couldn't say goodbye. She stays in touch with existing friends, but she wrote a lovely letter to her teached and classmates, and they wrote back, with gift vouchers! Maybe try this, obv vouchers not a given...

Well, thank you all. We have gone for option (a). RL advice has been along the same lines as those here, as being the least unsettling, and ultimately kindest.

We spent the early part of this evening being abused as the worst parents on earth, but have kept the the positive and consistent approach - thank you Moomin - your post really helped clarify our thoughts.

They are sad, and we'll do our best to help them through it - children are adaptable, and the new school is very nice, so hopefully now we can just get on with lots of cuddles and reassurance.

They will see their best friends from the old school regularly, as fortunately we're good friends with the parents, so it'll be nice for all of us!

Once again, thankyou

I just had to respond to this post as we were in the same situation a while ago. Our situation was similar in that our children had a taster day at a new school...the only difference is that they refused to return to the old one!

I felt, that my eldest son should really return as he had good friends at the old school however, when push came to shove he couldn't make himself walk in to say goodbye. He was very angry at the situation, not at us but at the necessity of the move. Have you explained to your children why they have to move? Sometimes just understanding the facts clearly can help. Unlike yours, mine just weren't having happy school days at all. Anyway, I arranged for him to see his friends individually over the next week and he still 'plays' with one good friend.

My younger son hated his last school and begged not to return. The writing had been on the wall for a while, and as it was an independent school, we had already given two terms notice in the faint hope that it might improve. He sometimes saw old school mates that he liked but had to be coached not to talk up his new school - he really, really, really loves it.

So, mine didn't go back but they did see the friends that mattered to them. I kept the door open and let them talk about their feelings.....really my youngest son took about a year to 'get over' the old school - he saw some bad things there that gave him nightmares which stopped the day we left. His new teacher said that he was actually traumatised which made me feel utterly wretched and very, very let down. I wish we had gone earlier really.

My elder son took a year to settle fully into a larger class of boisterous boys but is now fully integrated into Senior school life and is very well liked. Give it time, they will settle, just listen to them and accept that you will have to be very proactive (or pushy) in their making new friends. Have lots of tea parties of meetups in the park etc to try and hasten the nicest bit of a new school which is making lots of new friends.

One thing I hadn't anticipated was how sad I would be not to see the same old school faces day after day. I felt isolated as my friends still attended the old school which made talking very difficult. It was a lonely time. Hopefully, you will be moving your children for jolly reasons and they will pick up on your happiness quickly. Children are remarkable at adapting, just give them and yourselves time. Good luck.

I really should re-read my posts. Shocking grammar.

I might be in a similar position soon, Lucy, and was interested in what you said about being lonely for a while. Did you make some new friends at the new school or do you think the closest friendships amongst mums are made at primary level?

Well, I think that with the benefit of hindsight, I have actually done quite well out of the deal. I went into the new school with a hope that the boys would make friends quickly and I hadn't anticipated making many real friends myself. It has taken time but I now have some really good mates that I connect with on an adult level not just because our kids happen to sit next to each other IYKWIM.

There is a hardcore group of 'established' mums who are lovely but insular and that's fine. I was having contact lens gyp one day in the carpark shortly after my boys moved schools and one of the mums came running over to see if I was crying which was sweet. They are friendly but not my friends which is fine. I really don't ever want to do the PTA thing ever again and I am happy to be on the periphery of school organisation which I think is a better and more balanced approach for me anyway. So yes, the mums who have been there the longest have more friendships but the mates I have now are the ones that I caught yawning in a magnificient fashion on speech day or hiding behind the bike shed on sports day.

Take your time and I think that eventually you meet people you can identify with. Are you moving schools or area? I think moving 'away' has more of an impact to be honest.

personally i would keep them at the new but arrange for them to pop back for maybe a few hours to say goodbye, collect stuff etc if that is a possibilty.

Thanks for that Lucy (and sorry to briefly hijack thread-my advise to op would be option a).
We would be moving away, albeit not a great distance but far enough not to keep in touch with too many people from the old school. One of our options is possibly a small private school which I had thought might be friendlier and easier to break into than a state primary where everyone has been in the area for ages and met at M&T groups etc but maybe not from your experience!

Sorry Yoho for hijack!

Evie, we have used state and independent schools and the people are just the same! My only warning would be that 'small' schools can be difficult to find enough good playmates in. Theres a few hundred in our junior and about 400 in our senior which is a good number for finding children who like the same stuff as your children.

Good luck with your move.