Autistic son being bullied

[Windywuss]

My dad is in y8. He was bullied in y7 and I've been in touch with head of year frequently to deal with it. He changed class and it got better. All the kids that used to bully him then are largely ok now. But it is low level, insidious bullying from different kids that continues.

He is doing better to be more resilient but he shouldn't have to put up with multiple incidents daily. It got to the point this week where he ended up screaming at the kids that he hated all of them and ended up sitting the class out so he could calm down. That night he was so upset he told me if he went to sleep, he did not want to wake up again.

I have a meeting with school Monday and I am considering whether to change school, but what if this will happen everywhere?

Incidents have included making accusations about him to wind him up, blocking his exit so he can't use doors including pushing and shoving, running at him in the corridor to intimidate him, calling him gay, trying to steal his book/water bottle/bag...... all these incidents accumulate daily until he has a meltdown. It's a sport for these kids I think.

What should I ask school to do? It happens in corridors or when the teacher is dealing with other incidents. Is it just the school has an ineffective behaviour policy or is it that the catchment just means there's load or rough, horrible kids? Sorry to be blunt but I'm exhausted and upset by it.

To me they need better supervision but I doubt the school has the resources.

That’s so sad.

I would look to move him.

Does he have an EHCP? Perhaps you could look at small nurturing independent schools.

A less drastic measure you could try to asking if DS can move between lessons a few mins before everyone else.

Thanks @Dizzydeers . I can't afford private school. That's not a bad suggestion about moving before other kids. I will think about that one.

No he doesn't have ehcp. Was discouraged from applying. He's bright. It's social side he struggles with mainly.

Yeah that’s shit. Move him.

Definately move him. Im so sorry OP, if the school has such a slack, non existent approach to bullying it won't change now. He'd be better placed in a school with clear policy in action regarding health and well being and an inclusive ethos who understand ASD. I wouldn't send him back at all tbh, it's having a massive impact on his MH and he'd be better away from it. Are there support services or outreach in your area re education and ASN. Does he have a social worker, maybe they could help.

Unless there's something else going on, this is absolutely not the sort of thing kids get EHCPs for. The issue is the bullying, not your ds. And that level of bullying sounds horrendous. Your poor Ds.

The school needs to come up with a better plan. You also need to continue to report things very regularly. Often schools put things in place to resolve bullying and they think the issue is dealt with. Unless you or your D's let's them know it's carrying on, they won't know they need to do something different. Maybe you could arrange a weekly check-in with the head of year and your DS could have a daily check-in with form tutor away from the form?

If you start the EHCP process now then you do have a shot at naming an independent for year 10.
The distress your son is showing proves that the mainstream isn’t meeting his need.

It may be a long difficult road, get support from IPSEA and SOS!SEN.

See, this is where I struggle. The head of year is trying.. genuinely...and the senco is supportive. They've got behaviour policies that dish out penalties for all of this stuff and CCTV, they've done assemblies on bullying but it does not seem to make a difference. As I say, the first group of kids that were doing it have stopped but it just seems there's quite a overall nasty culture in the kids. All school seem to be able to do is deal with aftermath. Nothing they do seems to have an effect on stopping the behaviour happening.

I just wonder whether he'd be a target everywhere. The only two schools I can get him to, as an alternative, are both over subscribed (and they're building more and more houses with no new schools). So there's no guarantee I can change his school but I suppose my thought is would this just happen again elsewhere... and what practical suggestions are there to try and improve things?

Do schools not use prefects anymore? Ours did but my ds's doesn't have these.

Unless there's something else going on, this is absolutely not the sort of thing kids get EHCPs for.

He's autistic. It's exactly the sort of thing kids get one for.

Really sorry to hear this. This was a genuine concern of mine too for one of my DCs entering secondary school. Couldn't afford to move to a catchment area, so did everything in our power to get DC into a grammar school, where bullying/teasing still exists but to a lesser extent, as the majority of the students care about their education (or at least their parents). So incidents are dealt with swiftly with parental involvement.

Is moving to a different catchment area an option?

Sadly I don't think I can move, no. I'm a single parent, with a chronic illness/disability, no family support or partner and a high pressure job I need to hang on to. I am very slowly trying to get house done up to any sort of standard but the thought of moving let alone trying to do it and keep my job, is beyond me.

But seriously don't even think it's about where I live. I missed out in the school we wanted not because we didn't live close enough, but because Ds attended the wrong primary and it isn't a feeder school. That seems to be the all important factor here. For in year transfer, I don't know what matters. Only if they have a place. I doubt they will. The schools that are not oversubscribed are both pretty awful, in the wrong direction and I doubt I'd get him there and back around my job, and one is in the same MAT as his current school and I hear worse things about it.

There are no grammar schools here. The only grammar is fully independent fee paying with 6k per term fees.

My son, now an adult, was horrendously bullied at school. I wish I had moved him, I would suggest you ask the school what plans they have to stop the bullying and if there is no improvement move him. Sadly , I think some kids just carry on with more subtle bullying, as this happened to my son.

And talk to the Autistic Outreach team at your L/A, it was the only thing that stopped the bullying where we were.

I'm so sorry your son is experiencing this it's so wrong. Are there any scholarship options for the indie school?

This is the kind of thing that needs a very clear leadership culture in school to tackle the underlying causes. Schools are under so much pressure financially and to get academic results that the sense of community can be lost. The school needs to really robustly and directly confront this culture.

Fee paying schools offer a small reduction in fees for outstanding 'scholars' who can demonstrate their achievements in various areas like sport and music. That is not my son. He's clever but needs downtime at home to cope with school m he doesn't do clubs etc. Bursaries are means tested. I doubt I'd qualify. I earn 40k ish.

DS is autistic and was bullied in y7 - one of the kids discovered that if they said "trains go beep beep", DS would explode (trains are his thing).

It was easy. It was funny for them. It was horrendous for DS. The school was good when they could catch the kids, but a lot of the time they didn't hear it and DS couldn't identify the kids. He didn't know them, and is rubbish at names anyway.

Year 8 now and the kids seem to have forgotten about it. DS's particular form seem to generally accept (or ignore) him.

Things the school did to minimise opportunities:

• DS leaves class a few minutes early to avoid most of the rush.
• He has a 1:1 TA (appreciate this is hard to come by!) who walks between classes with him. Could be another support worker.
• He spends his breaks and lunch in the SEN department. This is not totally ideal as he's not socialising with his peers, but at least he's not being harassed.

I'd be putting his name down for any other schools that seem suitable though! We struggled to find another school that felt suitable for DS's needs so stuck it out.

Why were you discouraged from applying and by whom?

If he has a formal diagnosis of autism, would it be worth speaking to the appropriate person within your local authority?

https://www.gov.uk/children-with-special-educational-needs/extra-SEN-help

@whatsagoodusername that is exactly it! The other kids find the thing that will make our children snap or feel distressed and just push that button. Hope your ds is doing better.

I've just found a good article with some research on what schools should do actually. (I'm an academic so I guess I can research at least and ask SLT to try strategies).

Your bullet points are really helpful, thank you.

@TheSquareMile the senco discouraged me but I have not had a proper conversation about it. I will raise it when I can see her properly, hopefully this week.

If you think the school is trying and open to ideas, I'd encourage you to stick with it, for at least a bit longer. If you move, you could have similar issues but in a school that isn't even trying to deal with them.

I definitely think if lesson transitions and break/lunch are flashpoints, then it's worth trying him leaving lessons 5 minutes early, and maybe having a suitable quiet space to go for break and lunch?

Are incidents happening in class time? Are teachers of individual classes aware this is part of a wider pattern? Could you ask for him to be sat away from the worst offenders?

In terms of an ECHP, it's tricky. I think it would be a good idea to apply, but they take a long time to get and you may have to appeal. It won't be a quick fix. If the SENCo isn't supportive, it's worth trying to find out why. If, e.g., they've had 5 similar children rejected this year, then that's useful information to know.

He's had another awful week and a bad incident Friday, after I'd already been in for a meeting. I've now escalated to the Head and her PA called me so perhaps I'm being taken seriously.

It happened again during transition from one class to next. The PA tried to tell me corridors are supervised but couldn't explain how this is happening if that is the case. I'm pretty sure from what the Head of Year said, that's not the he case.

I'm due to call another school to speak to their senco. I just don't know what to do for the best.

I don't know how my boy must feel having to go in every day and not feel safe.

DS's safe space at secondary school was the school library, the librarian was so lovely and he would just go in there, curl up in a corner and read a book every break and lunchtime. It was his sanctuary.
I think yours needs a safe space he can go to at break and lunch and needs to transition at different times to the other kids.

If the Head isn't as helpful as you like then the next step will be to go to the governors. When you see the Head though I would recommend having written documentation with dates of all the incidents that have occurred (if you have that) and knowing exactly what you would like them to put in place for your ds - you know him better than anyone. I also would definitely recommend seeing the Head rather than just speaking on the phone if at all possible because I think it has a lot more impact.

I definitely think it's worth speaking to the other good schools though and just seeing if they have any places - or how long the waiting list is. Just to see what alternatives are available. If any do have a space talk to them about all his issues, the things he needs help with, what they could put in place and have him spend a day or two there to see how it is.

Good luck, I really hope your son gets the help and support he deserves.

@itsmyp4rty thank you. Break is fine as they already have a place for the autistic kids. It's the transition with lessons. I need to speak to Ds about it again. He was reluctant to transition early to class as he didn't want to make himself seem more special or different. I think this is a good idea. We need prevention.

He's been with his Dad this weekend so I haven't seen I'm yet since the latest incident.

Also, the other school would not offer even a visit. They said they'd do that if he'd been offered a place. I said how did I know if I would want to put them as an option without visiting. The system is just awful. No such thing as parental choice really.

Both the schools I would consider are over subscribed. Others in the area are just impractical or I hear worse things.

My dd in y7 already got targeted between lessons by kids trying to knock her shoes off. Its much older boys.
But also kids in class singing to annoy her.
So you have my sympathy. We were also put off ehcp. Her secondary havent even filled in the assessment paperwork.
Imo assessments and ehcp need to be independent from schools -- and LAs/nhs even

@AnySoln I'm sorry your daughter is having such awful treatment. That's horrendous.

I got some interesting info about ehcp today. A senco at another school told me that there are two routes to getting ehcp. Parent lead or school lead. She said it's generally much better to have school on board because on either route they have to provide evidence and if it's the parents who think there should be ehcp, but school doesn't, they are unlikely to put effort into the application.

If your child has ehcp they are more likely to get a place at another school if alternative schools are competitive for places.