Changing schools in Year 5

[Nievesmum]

My child is currently at a small Independent school and she’s always struggled to make friends easily. Over the years i’ve seen her struggle with some girls constantly excluding her, telling others to give her silent treatment etc

This year she’s been put in different form
group and it has made it easier for the other girls to exclude her and she’s so upset.

I have seen it chip away at her for years and have wanted to change schools for a while -
she doesn’t want to. Do I leave her to learn how to navigate these situations by herself or do I follow my gut instinct and move schools?

Any advice welcomed

I'm sorry to read this. That's so tough for her and you.

Year 5 means she has 2 more years to go before leaving for secondary. She's too young to decide what's right for her. You need to make that call based on how tough it is now, whether there are others she can make friends with and whether this situation is one that can change.
My children are just starting Yr 6 and have had new joiners last year and this. My son is very good friends with a little boy from Hong Kong who joined in Yr 5 and has settled very quickly, so moving her is definitely an option.

Is the school she's at single sex? Might she operate better at a mixed school?
Does she have friends at another school that might make a move easier?
What does she do outside school that encourages friend-making? Eg, cubs, team sports, dance etc etc
What's next in terms of secondary? I ask this as it's only 2 years away. Some of these girls might be there, so today's decision may impact tomorrow.

My brain dump - may not help but these are questions I'd be asking myself.

Do make the decision for her, if you can see she's unhappy. I say this as someone who suggested a change of music teacher to DD; she said no, but with hindsight, that was just because she doesn't like change. She changed later, and it was a huge improvement, but the damage was done, and I should have had more confidence in my assessment of the situation earlier.

In the meantime, have you talked to the school about the bullying? Have they actually tackled the bullying behaviour, or just changed her form and hoped that would make it go away?

If you move her now, will she be at the same high school as these girls ?

Our DC left his prep school at the end of yr4. Honestly, it was the best decision ever. The prep was very sporty. They liked compliant kids, by which they meant sheep that they could herd. Example, he did extra research on a school topic and the teacher reaction was that she did not have the time to look at it. We switched to a state primary, they loved him and he was nurtured for the 2 years he was there. They always had time to see extra work even though there were twice the number of children in the class and fewer resources.

However, when changing schools, friendships can be an issue. Generally, our DC found that having more kids in the class meant there were more potential friends. But he also found that when it came to parties parents kept numbers down and invited those their kids had known for yrs. it wasn’t that much of an issue really.

Regarding secondary/senior school. As aforementioned, DC switched from prep school, this was a feeder school to minor public school so the switchover age was Yr9 not Yr7. He’s mostly encountered ex classmates in the sixth from college and not much before.

NB another problem with the prep school was that they really didn’t want anyone to leave in Yr7 to go to either state secondary or private grammar type settings. People did but were seen as not following the system/correct route. Another example of cliquey way it all felt. Once out we really wondered why we put up with it for so long.

Re bullies/unfriendly kids: yes, been there and if schools don’t promote open minded thinking or have a good anti bullying strategy it takes hold.

Good luck and do switch schools, it does usually do the trick.

The "learning to navigate these things herself" is fine if it's working, but if it isn't then maybe time to try a different approach. Does the school offer ELSA , a social skills/nurture group or anything like that?

What secondary plans do you have? Is there perhaps a through school she could move to? Either way I think it's worth looking round the options. Do your due diligence. Even if you decide to leave her where she is, you'll be able to say you made a positive choice to do that rather than just not trying. Two years is an awfully long time when you are only 9.

@Nievesmum We had this but the other way round. DD was at state school and during y3-5 was very much excluded from parties and play after school wasn’t reciprocated. She didn’t fit in anywhere. Teachers liked her and she did well enough but she seemed friendless. I wanted her to go to a good prep and she got a place for y4. Then she didn’t want to go!

Y5 in particular was not great. One party invitation. 66 in the year group. The weekly arrangements for collecting DD from orchestra broke down and DD was dumped out of the lift system because another parent’s DC took my DDs place in the car share. We then made the decision she would not go to the same secondary as these other dc. She needed to start again. Y6 saw an improvement as DC made more friendship choices without parents overseeing and approving but we paid for private secondary and I’m glad we escaped.

So moving to state might help but the Dc and parents can be cliquey there too. The parents certainly are! My DDs didn’t play football with the boys so it was the girls that mattered at break time and as potential friends.

If this prep school is up to 13, then 4 more years doesn’t sound great. 2 might be ok if y6 is better, and it could be. If she doesn’t want to move: why? Is it as bad as she says? Maybe drill down into her reasons for staying? In the meantime find out what schools have a y5 vacancy. Are they likely to be welcoming?

Private schools tend to expect Dc to be lovely and can be poor at following anti bullying policies. You could try and hold them to account if she does want to stay. Also read policies published by state schools for greater insight into counteracting bullying.

Thanks for all the messages, loads of food for thought. Just some more details:

Prep school is mixed and is a through school however I am considering a much wider rand be of schools (other independents, grammar, state). Most important part will be where I think she will be content/happy and enjoy her secondary education. So we could easily avoid the girls she’s having issues with.

I can see she gets left out and generally struggles to make friends. She’s a mature 9 year old which could be a reason she’s not as accepted. She hardly gets invited on play dates or parties but never gets too upset about it (or doesn’t vocalise it)

The bullying is subtle, hiding a playtime’s so she can’t find her ‘friends’, playing games that have silly rules which exclude her, pretending she is invisible so essentially ignoring her when she is trying to talk to them.

I will explore other schools and have already booked in some school in action mornings for year 7 but will speak to schools about year 5 entry is we think is could be a good fit.

School has said they didn’t realise this was a issue and are seeing if the the can support her with skills to help make friends, have asked me for feedback when she shares how she is feeling and will reiterate they are there to support her. The school nurse has been amazing since school began as she’s been visiting her in tears every other day with a new excuse on needing to go home.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, comforting to know she is not the only child who struggles with this and there are options.