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Original poster

What’s up with some school mums?

32 replies

JBright · 12/07/2023 20:45

Not all mums I am sure. But my sons starting reception in September and we’re currently doing stay and plays. It’s important to me to try and connect with other mums / parents but the new parents at the gate don’t seem interested. Today, for example I approached the small group of parents waiting to send their children in, I asked if this was the stay and play, all I got was one turned round grunted “yeah” and turned around again. When I arrived to pick my son up I was second and one mum there, staring at her phone, no eye contact. It was the same last time, literally zero engagement. Is it just not important to anyone else and just not the big milestone for them that it is for me? How do I get chatting when nobody seems interested.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 12/07/2023 20:48

Is it just not important to anyone else and just not the big milestone for them that it is for me?

Quite possibly. When my kids started school, it was important for them but it wasn’t any sort of milestone for me. I got friendly with my DC’s friends’ parents when they made friends but it really wasn’t about me-I’ve got my own friends.

Accountdetailss · 12/07/2023 20:50

I got chatting to the mums when my dd actually started school. I wouldn’t worry now, friendships will form.

yogasaurus · 12/07/2023 20:50

It’s important to me to try and connect with other mums / parents.

Sorry but this is too much. It’s an introductory stay and play; let it happen naturally

Heatherbell1978 · 13/07/2023 09:41

I'm happy to chat to other mums but I don't initiate it so I'd have been that mum on her phone. I have 2 kids at primary and a full time busy job and find the mum WhatsApp groups a bit overwhelming and full on. I'm engaged enough with the school but not as much as others.

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 13/07/2023 09:47

You asked a question, that was answered, and joined a queue where you never spoke either. Not sure you have anything to complain about really.

However I'm the mum at school who keeps my head down and hates it when other parents try to initiate conversations, I'm too busy, too tired, I can't be arsed, and have zero desire to start befriending school mums, nothing wrong with that at all, you can't inflict your wishes on unwilling people (not that it sounds like they are unwilling yet).

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 09:50

Well, it may not be important to them, no. Their child could be the youngest of seven so they’ve seen it all before, or they’re on a mad streak at work and stressed and preoccupied, or any number of other reasons. Or, of course, they could be among the high proportion of anxious/shy Mners who struggle with social interaction and regard the school gate with horror.

Some schools just aren’t particularly friendly environments — I didn’t ‘fit’ at all with the other parents at DS’s first school (foreign, older mother, working mother where that was mysteriously rare). His current school is cool, and has provided me with a crop of good friends.

Why are you so anxious to chat? There will be plenty of time! They haven’t even started school!

dikwad · 13/07/2023 09:58

I never wanted to nor ever have connected with any of the parents of children in my sons school. I'm just not about that. I would never be rude to anyone who chatted but I don't want to become involved in a 'mum' group. That's my idea of hell. A few of the other mums have formed WhatsApp chats etc but it's not for me. He started comp in September so luckily that part is now over for me.

There will be other mums who you'll gravitate to over the coming years but you can't push it and it's not important for lots of women.

SirChenjins · 13/07/2023 09:59

You’ll find a whole cross section of people at the school gates - as pp’s have said, some just aren’t interested in making friendships for a myriad of reasons, but you will find your people, I promise! I think the thing to do (if you want to make friends with other mums) is to go to as many after school things as possible, say hi to anyone who looks your way, and get involved in school things.

Do be aware though - there are some mums who live vicariously through their children and you may find yourself in a group who are obsessed with what reading level their child is on in comparison to others, will bore you rigid with tales of their offspring’s gymnastics achievements and throw their weight about on the PSA. You may find yourself longing for the drop and run days 😂

quietnightmare · 13/07/2023 10:00

You need to find the mums who are first timers. You've got no hope with most of the mums who have older children as they have been there and done that

WandaWonder · 13/07/2023 10:03

When my child was that age I happily chatted if it came up naturally but no idea why it needs to be forced, parents are there for a reason

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2023 10:03

They're allowed to not make friends with you op if they don't want to.
I'm sure there'll be others that want to talk; but these two don't and that's their prerogative.

Blossomandbee · 13/07/2023 10:18

I think you need to give it time, I find people aren't generally wanting conversation with people they don't know. Over time people will recognise your face and know who you are, plus you'll be more in contact with the parents of any friends you child makes.
That being said, I wouldn't assume you'll make good friends. I have had three children go through school and have never made friendships beyond polite chit chat.

Campervangirl · 13/07/2023 10:22

I don't really understand the need to make mum friends.
Maybe because I worked full time so I was in and out at drop off and pick up.
You read a lot on mn about other parents behaviour at the school gates.
I really couldn't be arsed with the politics that are involved, who's friendly, who's not, who's left out, who looks down their nose at who etc.
Leave it to the kids to make friends, they're usually the ones that are vocal about playdates.
Personally I'd give the adults a wide berth

Mutabiliss · 13/07/2023 10:39

We're doing stay and plays at the moment and while I'm happy to chat to anyone who comes up, I wouldn't go and introduce myself. If I happened to catch your eye I'd smile, but otherwise yes, I'd be looking at my phone or talking to my child. (Stay and plays are in work time so I'm probably answering a quick email before the session starts.)

I haven't had your experience though - I smiled at or briefly chatted with a couple of parents I recognised from nursery and the library. I didn't speak to anyone else, that would be a bit weird. I assume as our kids get to know each other I'll end up chatting to others, but I'm only doing pick-up one day so I don't suppose I'll make close friends at the school gate, which is fine.

I think it's best to drop your expectations. You'll get to know people in time.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 13/07/2023 10:48

It's like this at our school OP, Mums who already know each other will chat but the school run isn't really a place to make friends anymore because people are simply too busy. I think people are more insular since Covid so that doesn't help.

My DCs go to a school with very few SAHPs, and most people are efficient when they come to collect thier children because they don't have the time and weekends are spent with existing friends and family so no room to make new friends. At the DCs old school there were a lot of SAHMs so they had more time to talk and more reason to make school run friends.

Tessisme · 13/07/2023 13:45

Well, you are a school mum now. And you're not like 'them'. So chances are they are all different from each other. Not a homogeneous clump of school-mumness.

Heatherbell1978 · 13/07/2023 15:41

quietnightmare · 13/07/2023 10:00

You need to find the mums who are first timers. You've got no hope with most of the mums who have older children as they have been there and done that

This! I have 2 DC and I find myself tearing my hair out at the WhatsApp chats for the youngest (P1). I honestly couldn't give a shit about the quality of the school cardigans - buy one from the supermarket at a quarter of the cost like every other sensible mum. And it's not the end of the world if you can't attend the play session thing etc etc. I'm sure I come across a bit aloof but at the same age my DS was in lockdown and so I have a bit of a different perspective on things.

cadburyegg · 13/07/2023 15:55

You will find your tribe but it takes time and you have to let it happen organically. Maybe the mum on her phone was on a teams chat, maybe one of the others didn't want to talk to you because they're knackered due to a baby keeping them awake all night. Who knows. I have a YR and Y3 and the WhatsApp group for the YR class is an overwhelming nightmare, I'm glad it's coming to its natural end 😂

I have quite a few mum friends now but it has taken several years.

Tdcp · 13/07/2023 15:58

Honestly, I did the school mum with DD, if I had another I definitely wouldn't bother. I wouldn't be rude though, there's no excuse for that.

cocksstrideintheevening · 13/07/2023 16:03

You sound quite intense. If you make friends you make friends but I wouldn't bank on it.

When mine were small I did drop off but literally had to chuck them in the gate and run for my train and I did pick up two days a week. Loads of them are either picked up by childminders / grandparents / go to ASC etc and have different arrangements in place on each day so they won't know you're Freds mum.

MissPop · 13/07/2023 16:06

Yeah I still don’t know my youngest child’s mum group and he’s going into year 4 😂.

Literally know one or two. Find the first timers 😂

TheLifeofMe · 13/07/2023 16:11

I hate school runs. Half the mums are rude.

Tdcp · 13/07/2023 16:15

Tdcp · 13/07/2023 15:58

Honestly, I did the school mum with DD, if I had another I definitely wouldn't bother. I wouldn't be rude though, there's no excuse for that.

* School mum thing * 😂 I didn't do the school mum...

Screamingabdabz · 13/07/2023 16:22

You’re possibly going to be standing next to them in all weathers, twice a day for the next seven years. No one wants to stick their neck out and be trapped chatting to someone every day until everyone has scoped each other out and seen who their kids choose as friends. I think like pp have said, dial it down and let it happen naturally through your DC.

Translucentwaters · 13/07/2023 16:23

I’d take a step back they sound very rude.

Hold back and hope your child makes friends with the children that have good manners.
It’s not okay to grunt ‘yeah’, bury your head in your phone and not even manage a greeting of any kind, it’s a dreadful example to the children as a minimum.

I would be disappointed in the lack of basic social skills on display at the school, and worried that it was a rubbish school tbh and consider moving if it continued. Village schools are popular because they are generally considered to be very friendly places. Are you in a town or city?

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