Dreaded prize giving

[Snoflake]

DS is in Y6 at a competitive school. He’s a decent all-rounder - in top teams for most sports and in top third for maths and English - but not the best absolute at anything.

He limps along with music though isn’t that great at it. He’s known for being lovely and mature, gets on beautifully with adults. He’s told me that about 20% of DC are not getting scholarships or prizes at his prize giving. They did a rehearsal and he was on the ‘losers’ bench’ as he put it half jokingly. I could tell he was gutted as he’s particularly keen on one subject… He THINKS he is the best at this subject in his class at the very least though hard to compare with the year - and has corrected his teacher a few times in front of the class so thinks he may be punished by not getting the prize. I have told him he shouldn’t have done that but he said he couldn’t help it as he had got the facts wrong and had seemed to struggle to remember the sequence of events so
felt he should help him.

Whatever the truth, it feels a bit wrong to leave out a minority of children by handing out prizes to the majority. Ones who struggle more with academics will be getting a prize for, say, swimming or oboe. So he feels stupid and untalented but doesn’t recognise he’s all round good at stuff even if he’s not No1.

How do I combat this feeling of disappointment he is carrying? I know that’s life but I was generally a prize winner . Does anyone have tales of how they improved during secondary? Or how they were always overlooked but have ended up having a fun and happy life?

I think we have raised Mr Nice Guy which I’m proud of but I hope this lack of killer instinct doesn’t end up costing him too much.

My DD was at a very selective grammar. Every year the same girl won 6 or 7 of the subject prizes. It’s rubbish isn’t it. My DD always got an attendance prize though! I kind of get it that it’s the ‘best if the best’ in that environment, but I wish they’d have some different sorts of prizes like maybe ‘most improved’ or something like that.

It’s nice to get a prize but it has no bearing on your Dcs future.
eg we have just had prize giving at out school. One winner has been cheating (the school don’t realise but all the students do) so really it’s meaningless.
Keep encouraging your DC to work hard, learn new things, etc etc. Ignore the prize giving. Take him out at the end of the year for a meal specifically to celebrate his successes this year. He will know his parents are interested in him and love him.

Thank you both for your kind words. I have changed username to reflect my pity party here! I don’t know if this is worse but at his school, a MAJORITY are getting prizes or scholarships. So he’s one of a handful to get nothing yet he’s not one of the naughty ones (to be honest they don’t really have any really badly behaved kids yet). He’s popular but not alpha male. He’s sporty but not playing at county level etc mainly as we don’t really know the systems here and have failed to audition for the right clubs in various sports. We live too far away to get him there for 7am swim squad etc. He has not tried as hard as he could have academically though he’s ironed out most of his weaknesses in maths and English comprehension. Other kids have shown initiative, setting up projects of charity, doing 100 page PowerPoints etc so I guess he only has himself and us for not being tiger parents to blame! I am trying not to show this bothers me but secretly of course it does.

"You don't need to a prize to know you're good at x y and z"

I always tell ds the people who beat in life are those who can manage with internal validation and don't rely on external validation.

Because as an adult that stops!

I always think it is so silly the the majority get a Prize..

It should be very few for something outstanding.

Teach him the benefit of working hard so that he can be proud of himself. At school, you are in a class and someone is best. But in real life, you are not in competition with anyone else, there are no winners or prize receivers, your life is only your own. Being proud of your own achievements is the real reward.
If it helps, when I was at school I was a middle-achiever, never the best or top, never got a prize, generally overlooked by the teachers. I'm doing pretty well in life, I am in my dream career earning a very high salary, I have a nice home, travel often for fun. I enjoy life. I don't give school a second thought (unless I read threads like this!).

This is partly the cost of choosing a competitive school - you deliberately chose to have him surrounded by high achievers! But I do think it's unkind to select more than half the kids - 25-30% seems more meaningful to me.

It is tough. I have two dc. One is a prize winner. That child that wins multiple prizes every year. One who is really equally as intelligent has never won anything!

I tell mine that school prizes are tassels on your key to the door. They might make that key look pretty but it doesn't make it open any extra doors. Whether your key has a tassel or not, it'll still open the door to the next stage.

We have that for my DC and have made a thing about how they are following my DH and my footsteps and we are a family of people that do well and are happy but never get school prizes. One DC got the computer prize one year as there was literally no one else that could win it, and all the other dc took the piss out of him for breaking the mold!

Its all about how you frame it to them.

Can I just say that I know two head boys at prestigious public schools (think Marlboro and Rugby) .. but not them ...
both of whom are heroin addicts.. one of whom is currently subject to an injunction as they stole money from their parents home ...

whilst my neighbours child that went to Bennet a non selective school in Tunbridge Wells .. is a tax lawyer on ££££ at 27 years old...

Just that ...his education cost over £100k ..

I don't disagree with you OP, but it does sound like this is a direct result of choosing a competive (fee paying) school and buying into that whole culture.

My Y6 DC is just finishing up his time at a small, friendly and inclusive state primary school. At the Leavers assembly there are a handful of traditional prizes but everyone gets personal and individual recognition for the contribution they've made to the school and it's very much a team event. DS is doing pretty well academically has made good progress this year but I can't imagine using a phrase like "ironed out most of his weaknesses in maths and English comprehension." It does sound like a really pushy environment.

Can I gently point out that some parents will be having very similar conversations about not being in the top teams for sport!

I suspect it isn’t the majority who are getting prizes, just that is the way it feels. And please correct the idea that because he spotted some of the teachers mistakes the teacher has held a grudge and that is why he didn’t get the prize.

No prizes for academics. However he did win one to do with contribution and kindness so that was kind of nice. School makes a big deal of this one…I still feel bad for those who got nothing given that so many DC won something.

Well done to your son!

I remember at my school we had a terrible overall prize - Boy of the Year and Girl of the Year. The same boy won it three years running.

Looking back, I can see why - he played two instruments, was in a choir, sang solos, was in the debating team, was clever. But it got to the point where the whole thing felt like a farce - a bunch of kids said really, was there no other boy in the whole school who could be recognised.

@Snoflake
i hate prizegiving and feel your pain
…Everyone getting something is pointless ( admittedly the ks1 dc seem to like it)
…Same few high flyers and all rounders getting prizes every year - loses meaning for them and everyone else feels rubbish

I personally think if anything then effort, kindness and progress should be rewarded.

DD had his year 6 prize giving last week. Whilst inevitably some got vastly more tha others every child in the year got something. There were progress prizes, music and sports and drama , behaviour and kindness prizes, contribution to school life, enterprise etc. etc.

Not one child walked away without the school having found a reason to recognise their achievements.

I love DSs school I wish he didn't have to leave

Very good advice.

My daughter's school has prize giving on the same afternoon as Sports Day. So some kids come away doubly disappointed. Everyone in Y6 gets multiple awards then there are 6 per class: achievement, effort, progress, citizenship (really? Some of these kids aren't yet 4) and 2 "Headteacher's Choice" Inevitably we hear the same names year on year, often several times because when it starts with one, the younger siblings tend to follow on. Strangely enough they usually tend to be the wealthier families so imagine money may cross palms. I do wish they did the prize giving as a separate event only attended by the winners and their parents. Others have said the same but the headteacher insists its important to raise aspirations. I think it's more likely to lose them at that age if they feel like no-one notices them.

I have two who aren't born prize winners, or sports day medalists, both at a school where it's very much NOT everyone gets a prize/medal. On the very odd occasion they win something it means the world to them because it has meaning. Equally, I've tried to help them understand that people who succeed at everything so early in life often have no mental resources to fall back on when they inevitably fail at something later in life because it's never happened to them before. While I think it's sad when they're sad they haven't got a prize or won a medal, I also think it's far more indicative of real life than everyone winning something all the time. It also means a prize has actual value and recognition when it's won.

It's not really important. My lovely unassuming son received zilch in the way of prizes but come exam time he kicked everyone else into touch in every subject, so they were forced to give him recognition for that. That didn't matter either. In the end you're just in a race with yourself and how others achieve is neither here nor there.

At DD's school the prize giving takes place on an evening, isn't held at school and only the children who win are invited. The only unknown in advance is which prize they've been awarded. Most are academic prizes. We've never had an invite before this year (11) so it was a nice surprise when DD won the physics prize.