Yr6 twins school 4 night residential trip

[Keyfob23]

Hi,
I have twins who are about to go on a 4 night residential PGL trip.
Historically right from reception they have always been in separate classes. This wasn’t working and caused much distress and upset. twin 1 was in a class with all ‘their’ friends while the other quieter twin 2 was in a more boisterous class. Twin 1 always upset and worrying about T2 and T2 always feeling lonely upset at being separate. They are now in YR 6 and thriving in a class together. Both have independent friendships and some of the same friendships.
PGL is approaching, a 4 night stay away from us. They are both happy to be in separate groups for activities during the day but at night want to be together. School allow the choice of picking x1 friend to go with, stating they should pick eachother.
I feel that it isn’t the right time to separate them from us and eachother, I want them to settle well, and have confidence in knowing eachother are ok. The anxiety and worry they have previously had at being apart and worrying about eachother is very stressful for them and us.
I feel it’s unfair for them to have to pick eachother and not be allowed to pick a friend each to be with on this trip as this is an emotional and an anxiety issue rather than a behavioural/friendship issue. Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? Other children get to pick a friend and don’t have the stress or anxiety that their sibling might be feeling lonely or upset.
Thank You for reading

Twin mum here. Sorry, but I think YABU.

If they each get to pick someone else as well as each other, that has knock-on implications for all the other kids too (e.g. if they are a four in a dormitory of eight, that's potentially quite a different dynamic for the other kids in it etc etc).

It's easy to read too much into people's posts, but it sounds as if you are really worried about the trip yourself and, possibly, this is about your anxiety. Are you still angry or distrustful of the school after your twins' early experiences there?

I think it's important to remember that each of the children on the trip will be bringing their own stuff - their own anxieties or things they're leaving behind or siblings they are missing. And the school and setting staff will have loads of experience of meeting all the children where they are and helping them to get the most out of it.

I hope this thread has been useful for you, even if it mostly hasn't been what you want to hear. And I hope your kids have a great time when they go.

If you want them to stay together then tell them to pick each other

If you and they are happy to accept that they want to be with their individual friends at the expense of possibly not being together then tell them to pick their friends - school can't MAKE them pick each other.

But YABU to want both options! As pps have pointed out other kids might be nervous as well which is why everyone gets to pick one person they are happy to share with - there's no compelling reason why your kids should be the only ones who effectively get two support options. It's just for sleeping anyway, they will both get a chance to be with all their other friends for the vast majority of the time.

Presumably the teachers will try their best to group friends together, so they will likely be with other friends anyway. I think you just have to let them decide what is most important for them. And discuss tactics with their friends!

It’s entirely unreasonable for you to expect they school to put them in the same dorm and still get to pick a friend each . They either pick each other or pick a friend , you can’t have it both ways .

They don't get two picks which is what you are after. They either pick each other or they pick a different friend. Given that they will be in dorms of 8 there will be plenty of other friends there as well. You are being ridiculous.

Is what you are really saying:
Twin 1 feels she should pick Twin 2 because Twin 2 is less confident and might be upset.

You also would feel better if you knew Twin 2 had Twin 1 to look after her.

Twin 1 really wants to pick a friend to have fun with as well.

It seems as if this is really about Twin 2's anxiety, and you may not have done either of them any favours by using Twin 1 as the main strategy for dealing with it.

Sadly, it's not unusual to have issues with a more outgoing, popular twin and a shyer, less social twin. It's very easy for the quieter one to rely on the confident one and not build up their own social strategies. It's really not helpful in the long term.

It sounds as though you haven't been able to push through your own anxieties and find strategies that work for Twin 2 to build independence. This could be a good chance to find some resilience in yourself to start telling her she can do this, rather than assume she can't. As others have said, there will be many children who are anxious or who get upset, and teachers will be very used to dealing with it.

if it's any comfort, over a lifetime, twins often develop very differently to their childhood patterns. I've seen a previously confident twin struggle a bit at uni while the quieter one thrived and had a huge circle of friends.

Schools spend a lot of time ensuring there is the right balance of friendships and behaviours in rooms for school trips. However parents are a complete nightmare. Every year we get a number demanding their child to get special treatment. All children are considered carefully, not just the parents that complain. Don't be one of those parents.

Fellow twin mum here.

This is one of those things that unless you have multiples you just can't really appreciate it I think. The twin bond is such that knowing your twin is there but not being able to sleep in the same room is so difficult if that's what they're used to.

The sensible thing here would be for the school to just have them together and allow them to pick the one friend. None of the children would need to know this was the case, that they were effectively choosing 2 friends. It will ultimately cause them more problems if they separate them and have to be looking after someone who is upset all night!

Have you spoken to school? Explain that they are keen to choose a friend rather than each other but that you know it will cause problems if they're separated? See what they say, they may well already have thought about this.

Complaining/demanding won't make a difference, but a rational conversation about things is perfectly reasonable I think. Twins ARE different to each single member of the class, different problems!!

What about the kid that nobody picks as it says kids have to pick each other so some kids will be anxious as nobody picked them. If there’s an odd number of kids going then someone gets left out.

also they will be so tired that when they get back to bed they just crash.

Yes. They are different in that they already have a strong relationship that they have the option of choosing for support.
Many children don't have that.
I don't see why you think that they should get to choose another friend each and possibly leave other children without their preferred person.

@Treasureboxkey
It's really hard to explain how it is with multiples.

You want them to be independent of each other. Choose to be with other people and make their own friendships.
My twins are younger, but I already know they would be desperate to choose their best friend to be with (like all other children in the class will be doing). I also know that come bedtime the realisation they had to be separate would kick in and it would be a nightmare for the staff!

Of course I don't think any child would be left without anyone, I'm sure the school would never let a child be with no friends in their group at all. Twin issue regardless I'm sure there will be some children who do not get their 'chosen friend' in their room, what if 6 children all write down the same 7th person? 1 will have to be disappointed.

If it were my children then the ideal solution for me would be that the school will definitely (and secretly) place the twins together and then I would prepare twins that they wouldn't definitely be with the friend they write down but that this is just to give the teachers an idea and we'd just see what happened.

If the rule is pick one then their twin is their one choice, they shouldn’t be allowed more choice than others.

You’re overthinking. They just pick each other.

What did you decide, OP? How did they get on?

Thank you to those of you who offered advice gently. You did help my thought process.
….I decided to have a chat with the school about how my twins were feeling. They offered for the Senco to talk to them both independently and get back to me. This was agreed.
The school came back stating they felt it would be more distressing for both children to be split up at nighttime and would unnecessarily add to anxiety levels.
Their advice was to split them into different groups for daytime activities to encourage and develop friendships. For night times in the dorms to keep them together within their friendship group. We didn't tell them they would be together. They choose a friend on their form . All children were advised this was a preference and not a guarantee.
They were put into a lager dorm (8 children) and were with their friendship group. No one knew if they had their specific choice of friend or not as some children were picked by more than one friend.

@Keyfob23 that’s a great update! I assume they’ve been and come back now? I hope they had a good time! I’m glad you spoke to the school and went with your gut. I didn’t agree with all those saying you wanted them to have the best of both worlds - as a twin they have a different set-up and dynamic to single children and I didn’t think your concern was unreasonable. I’m glad the school listened and came up with a solution that worked well for them. Keep trusting your mum instincts and advocating for your children, they are lucky to have you 😁

This is great to read. I'm so glad the school were reasonable and dealt with a twin specific problem in a well thought through way. Hope they had a great time!

They both had a super time with many happy memories made.
Thank you both!

Easy they choose each other and other Bessie mate chooses A and Bs Bessie chooses B

Brilliant. Thanks for the update. Love that the school found a no fuss solution and that they had an amazing time.

Thank you !

You are over thinking this.

It's great to hear a school working thoughtfully in a situation like this. Helping them all grow towards being ready for secondary next year, as they should.