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Original poster

Yr6 twins school 4 night residential trip

75 replies

Keyfob23 · 15/05/2023 11:08

Hi,
I have twins who are about to go on a 4 night residential PGL trip.
Historically right from reception they have always been in separate classes. This wasn’t working and caused much distress and upset. twin 1 was in a class with all ‘their’ friends while the other quieter twin 2 was in a more boisterous class. Twin 1 always upset and worrying about T2 and T2 always feeling lonely upset at being separate. They are now in YR 6 and thriving in a class together. Both have independent friendships and some of the same friendships.
PGL is approaching, a 4 night stay away from us. They are both happy to be in separate groups for activities during the day but at night want to be together. School allow the choice of picking x1 friend to go with, stating they should pick eachother.
I feel that it isn’t the right time to separate them from us and eachother, I want them to settle well, and have confidence in knowing eachother are ok. The anxiety and worry they have previously had at being apart and worrying about eachother is very stressful for them and us.
I feel it’s unfair for them to have to pick eachother and not be allowed to pick a friend each to be with on this trip as this is an emotional and an anxiety issue rather than a behavioural/friendship issue. Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way? Other children get to pick a friend and don’t have the stress or anxiety that their sibling might be feeling lonely or upset.
Thank You for reading

OP posts:

Phos · 15/05/2023 12:28

I don't really understand this. It sounds like they would want to pick one another anyway so why is it a problem? I've been to PGL both as a child and as an accompanying adult much more recently and the dorms tend to be quite big, they won't be sharing a twin room, they'll be in a room with maybe 6 other girls.

Clymene · 15/05/2023 12:31

So you think they should each get a friend because they're twins? No, I don't think you can ask for that.

A lot of kids pick their friend for emotional and anxiety reasons.

Clymene · 15/05/2023 12:32

And the school didn't say must, they said should ie if they want to be in the same room, they should choose each other.

Gymmum82 · 15/05/2023 12:36

They need to pick a friend. If they want to be with each other then they are each others friend. They will be with other friends too. Why should they get to pick 2 friends? If they can’t bare to be apart for a couple of nights then that’s their choice. Other kids are managing without their siblings/families. I’m sorry but I don’t see why these should be any different

FrownedUpon · 15/05/2023 12:39

If they want to stay together, they pick each other. They shouldn’t get another choice as well. Their decision. That’s life. I’d try to dial down your anxiety over this or you’ll pass it on to them, if you haven’t already.

HJ40 · 15/05/2023 12:47

I don't think you can have it both ways. It they 'need' to have each other, then that's effectively their choice.

Are they picking up on your worries about them being separate?

Winterisalmostover · 15/05/2023 13:00

My DT are in the same class. They were in different dorms. It's silly to make them choose one another as they are unlikely to get homesick with their twin there anyway. Lots of tears and drama from the singletons though. Twin 2 was up every night with crying friends. Twin 1 was lucky and got some sleep!

SuperSue77 · 15/05/2023 13:23

I have twins in year 6 too and also in separate classes from reception. A bit different to you as mine are boy/girl, and also my son is autistic, so has reasonable adjustments. They went away for 4 nights, it was the first time my son had ever stayed away from home, whereas his sister has had a billion sleepovers. I spoke to school about my concerns about my son and they were brilliant. They put him in a room with the friends he wanted (obviously not his sister!) but they did put him in a group with his sister for daytime activities.
We also had a situation at the end of year 5 when they decided to mix all the classes up. The children were allowed to choose 3 friends they would like to be in a class with, and school would ensure they were with at least one friend. I was concerned about how my son would cope with the mix up and asked school to put them in the same class for year 6 (both told me that they would have preferred being in the same class throughout school and would prefer to be in the same year 6 class). School told me they would need to include each other on their list of 3 for this to happen. I told school they would not be changing their list of 3 friends but I was again reiterating my parental request to have both children in the same class on account of my son needing reasonable adjustments. They did do so, and they each had a friend in the class with them - I was worried that had they had to list their sibling on their list that they might have ended up with just each other and no friend!
Personally, I think it is reasonable for you to ask school to do this for you (and not make the girls choose). Our children have suffered enough with the whole Covid lockdown and some are not the strong confident year 6s of earlier years. My two should have done a shorter residential in year 4 but it couldn't go ahead because of Covid. I hope it all works out okay for you.

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 13:54

I'm a twin mum too. I completely get what you're saying - you want to help them nurture their friendships as well as ensuring they have the emotional support they are used to from being twins.

I'd go back to the school and discuss why these two things are separate (ie supporting friendships and being together as twins), and this should be allowed for them.

ShamefulNameChange1 · 15/05/2023 16:13

@whatfirstyear all parents will want that for their children. The school has decided, presumably for practical reasons, that everyone can pick one person. If they only want to be sleeping together because they feel more comfortable and aren’t used to being away from home, not because they are friends in any way then all the other kids should be allowed to bring their sibling/ mum/ whoever they like to be sleeping in a room with at home. It’s about a new experience. If the parent doesn’t think they’re ready to be apart they can sleep together. If the parent does, they can sleep with a friend. That’s already an extra option than most of the other kids will have.

EL8888 · 15/05/2023 16:15

NancyJoan · 15/05/2023 11:51

There will be lots of children who are anxious about being away from home (who won't have a comfort of being on a trip with their sibling) who will only get to choose one person to room with. I know everyone thinks their child deserves special treatment, but I'm afraid they don't.

This basically

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2023 16:18

You know that every kid is anxious, to a greater or lesser degree about who they’ll have to share with. That’s why they can pick one. I’m not sure why your twins should get to pick two.

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 16:18

@ShamefulNameChange1 if the other child's sibling / mum etc was there, and the child could see them, but was not able to be 'with' them, it would probably be quite distressing. Even if they had their nominated friend.

It's different being twins, that's just the way it is.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2023 16:23

Keyfob23 · 15/05/2023 11:19

Thank you, pick 1 friend is to be with a friend overnight in dorms of aprox 8. They are put into groups during the day.

So you wNt them to pick a friend AND be put in the same room so they're essentially choosing two people to share with whilst everyone else gets one?

Sorry but I think yabu. If that's they both want to sleep together, they pick each other, just like the other kids.

What happens if I've twin picks their sibling and the other one picks a mutual friend and the mutual friend picks the first twin?

GreenWheat · 15/05/2023 16:24

But by that logic, what if everyone starts saying they need two friends for emotional support? As a PP said, teachers are not oblivious to friendship groups and will most likely put girls they know are friends together. The "pick one friend" thing is because otherwise it would be a massive headache trying to accommodate everyone's multiple choices , even though in reality they will most likely be with their friends anyway. Your kids are no more special than anyone else's, do they get one choice too.

trulyunruly01 · 15/05/2023 16:28

Put another way, they are choosing to be together in a room with 6 other children they know.
I cannot see the issue. 8 11 yr olds to a dorm, poor teachers!

ShamefulNameChange1 · 15/05/2023 17:41

@whatfirstyear yes, it’s different to being twins. But it’s still one parent wanting their children to be able to choose people while others only get to choose one. Many of the children will be away from home for the first time and feeling vulnerable and worried which is why it’s so important for ALL the children to feel like they are being treated fairly.

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 17:53

Yeah, this is what I don't like about 'equality'. It doesn't mean heating everyone the same, it means understanding individual needs to achieve the same outcome.

There may well be other children who need a specific arrangement. There were children who needed specific things when my twins went on their residential (mine didn't need this because they weren't bothered about being in the same groups ), and I didn't see any parents grumbling because these children were getting what they needed.

Insisting on kids being treated 'the same' is a poor way of supporting diversity.

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 17:55

Heating = treating

😂

Aaarrgg · 15/05/2023 18:01

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 17:53

Yeah, this is what I don't like about 'equality'. It doesn't mean heating everyone the same, it means understanding individual needs to achieve the same outcome.

Insisting on kids being treated 'the same' is a poor way of supporting diversity.

Being a twin isn't a special need or a protected characteristic. If we spend too much energy making minor adjustments to people who don't need them, we run out of energy to make the adjustments needed for the children that really do.

ShamefulNameChange1 · 15/05/2023 18:22

@whatfirstyear do you genuinely think twins being allowed to choose to both be together and choose an extra friend is in any way comparable to adjustments schools make to accommodate kids with additional needs? They’re twins, ffs 🤦‍♀️. This is quite possibly the most entitled thing I’ve read on MN for a long time.

Treasureboxkey · 15/05/2023 18:36

whatfirstyear · 15/05/2023 17:53

Yeah, this is what I don't like about 'equality'. It doesn't mean heating everyone the same, it means understanding individual needs to achieve the same outcome.

Insisting on kids being treated 'the same' is a poor way of supporting diversity.

Oh come on!
Being a twin is hardly something that needs reasonable adjustment.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2023 19:08

Though if the weather doesn't perk up soon @whatfirstyear they might all need heating!

TinaYouFatLard · 16/05/2023 15:44

Goodness me. Being a twin is not a bloody protected characteristic.

I am a twin mum too.

sherylcainne · 16/05/2023 15:59

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