Year 6 SATs - positive affirmations for anxious child

[SummerHouse]

DS is very worried about SATs.

I want to give him the right support but this has turned into a debate between me and him with me constantly telling him it doesn't matter and him telling me that it does. I realise now I need to acknowledge his concerns as my "reassurance" is not working.

He is exceeding or secure in everything and his secondary school use the results only as part of a bigger picture. They also move children based on ongoing assessment.

DSs main worry is he doesn't want to let his school down.

Can anyone help with the right things to say? I am thinking of a few notes and posters around the house to give him confidence and reinforce that he is brilliant, no matter what.

It sounds like you have done your bit to be honest. If he is that anxious maybe let the school know, they may have been putting pressure on- so maybe they could reframe it and take some off?

Thank you @starpatch I will let them know. I absolutely love his school and have never found fault, it's a fantastic school with incredible staff, but I do think they have put too much pressure on them on SATs. Maybe it's a fault of the whole system. But this level of pressure seems to be potentially counter productive.

Sometimes we need someone to emphasise with how we're feeling rather than try to change it/rationalise it/reassure.

I say that with empathy as I have an anxious child too and I understand how hard it can be ❤️

yes I agree, trying to change his feelings might not be working for him - if he feels he isn't brilliant or might not do well, just denying his feelings might make him try harder to be listened to.

Perhaps you can just listen to how he is feeling, and reassure him that it's normal to be nervous, that it shows he cares about what he is doing and has pride in his school, and that is a good thing - and then work with him on how to deal with those feelings. Maybe discuss how he could distract himself this weekend with non-school things to take his mind off it, how he can try to eat well and keep busy so he gets a good night's sleep, how he can do some deeps breaths beforehand, how a bit of exercise will get the blood flowing and 'trick' his body into thinking that some of the nervous signs are because of the exercise not nerves, which might then help hiim calm down faster, etc. You can chat about how some people like to discuss tests afterwards and others don't, and how he can decide himself whether that helps him or not and choose to be around those people or choose to put it out of his mind, etc. Basically giving him good test-taking habits and ways of dealing with nerves that will come up again later in life, and hopefully help him realise afterwards that he dealt with a challenging thing and came through it OK because of his strategies. (Not just 'see, there was nothing to worry about', but 'you used your strategies to help a bit with the nerves, and you'll find it easier to do that again in the future' kind of thing).

I wouldnt put posters up, it's well meaning but it just makes the whole thing bigger when really you want to make it smaller. He is taking his cue from you on how to behave so validate his feelings if he brings it up, possibly tell him a time when you felt the same, what you did and the outcome (make it up so it shows you using the same techniques you want him to) and then move on.

I'd plan lots of fun things to do in the evenings or his favourite foods to eat and talk about anything else. I wouldnt make a big thing about that either I'd just do it.

Thank you so much there's some great advice here. I have ditched the poster idea. Strategies for dealing with nerves is fab. We will talk about breathing and I will put some mints in his bag and maybe something tactile. He asked his dad if he would take him to tennis on Monday and we think this is him setting up his own diversionary plan. Also going to take him on a nature walk at the weekend.

I had a chat with him last night and I feel that he is going to be just fine.

Fantastic advice here, also happens with me very often trying to be helpful and change my child’s perspectives but at the end dc just needed empathy. I am grateful to read the comments above and remind myself again!
OP hope it works out with you and your dc.

Validate validate validate. Hear him, reflect what he is saying back to you. (It doesn't mean you agree).
Literally say "I hear what you are saying", "You are saying you feel xxx ". Sometimes articulating our fears (more than once) helps to dissipate them.

SATs are utterly pointless and it’s terrible if schools put pressure on the kids. We threated to pull our kids if they felt to pressured as the high school they went to reassessed all kids ignoring sats

ultimately sats only benefit schools.

So personally id be speaking to the school.

@SummerHouse
Do not threaten to him out as suggested above. It achieves nothing. Whatever parents think, don’t use Dc as pawns.

Actually I think your DS is wonderful to want to do well for his teachers. I also think some DC take sats to heart more than others. Therefore don’t debate with him about his views. They are valid. He wants to support his school. That’s a good thing. Maybe mention any anxiety to his teacher?

Also some schools get sats results that really do not benefit them! At all.

@SummerHouse my DD school have been doing some nurture work and they have had the kids a poster made to have at home which says ..

Whatever happens I have done my best and my best is always good enough .

The class all day this together every day in the morning and again in the afternoon.

*say

You should have been telling him since year 3 that SATS were only for schools utter pointless and to ignore anything otherwise the school may say. Bit late but you could try that now.

Every year, ours has an assembly where it is explained that SATs rnt there to judge the child they just show how well the school are doing.
Doesn't sound a great school if they r putting pressure on the children.

I have several DC and one was always a bit like this. I don’t think it was the school! They always wanted to do well, did incredibly well in public exams etc but would always worry about letting teachers down, themselves etc. So I realised pretty early on that said DC needed to revise and work hard to make themselves feel like they have done their bit. Always lots of reassurance required. Unless they had prepared enough they never felt confident.

I have another DC by the way who is the exact opposite. Does the bare minimum, quite overconfident.

So personally I would reassure them that they have done loads of preparation and they have done enough. And if they want to do more, I would let them.

@NewNovember
That puts your DC in conflict with the school and the teachers. It’s not right to do this. Work with the school and keep your views to yourself. Your child is intelligent enough to work out what sats are and need reassurance not rhetoric.

Validate his feelings.
Tell him he has worked hard and you'll be proud of him regardless.
That if he tries his best he can't let anyone down as that is all anyone is asking of him.