Son not happy at school

[Chelsea26]

I wonder if anyone can help?

My son started secondary school in September moving from a 1 form entry primary to an 8 form entry secondary.

He was the only one from his primary to go to the school and did an extra introduction day in the summer because of this and we’ve not been in the area long so he has no local friends.

He started hanging out with a group of boys immediately and seemed fine but a couple of weeks before half term he told us that he’s not friends with them now and has no friends and spends break and lunch alone.

I emailed his HOY and she said she’d talk to him, which she did but he told her he was fine.

Over half term we realised quite how upset and lonely he is, he said he’s not being bullied but he is ignored and if he approaches people they tend to avoid him, like they’ve heard something bad about him so he thinks there might be a rumour going around about him.

We struggled to get him to go to school on Monday morning - it’s heartbreaking as he’s generally a very happy and well behaved boy.

I’ve asked the HOY to call me but I’m wondering what I can say and what she can do? I know he’s not the only kid to have gone through this but are there procedures in place and what are they? My son is very worried about being ‘othered’ by the teachers treating him differently and he really doesn’t want to be seen to be telling tales (which I completely understand) and I know you can’t force kids to be friends with other kids so what do schools do in these situations?

Any advice gratefully received.

Poor kid.
Chances are it will pass. It might be a bit tough for a while. See what the HOY suggests.
My DD had quite a lonely time of it starting High School, she had a couple of acquaintances rather than friends and if they were elsewhere she had no fallback. It did get easier but not quickly.
The other option might be a school change. Although going to the same school as his primary school friends might not be an easy transition either - depending on the approach by the school they may discourage primary friends being together and it's also possible that they have made new friends too.

Thanks for your reply - My son wants to change schools but he won’t get into the schools his old friends went to anyway as they went to faith schools but we stopped going to church years ago.

So it would be another new school, probably a worse one (academically, resource wise and location) and no guarantee it would be better.

He does still see his old school friends at football training/matches after school one night and Saturday and Sunday mornings and obviously we invite them over etc but I don’t know if that is helping or holding him back tbh

Also I don’t know if they grant a change of schools just for unhappiness do they? Certainly I imagine without at least trying to resolve with current school. All the schools near us are hugely oversubscribed so I think he’d be waiting a long time

At my son's school they have a lunch time club for pupils in the same situation. It might be worth asking if they do this or if they could set one up.

@Plumbear2 Thank you, that is helpful. I did ask him about lunchtime clubs and he said there is only chess but I will ask the HoY when she calls

Schools should offer some support for this - lunchtime clubs are a good idea.
There's a lot of jostling for social traction at the beginning of year 7 but many of these early friendship groups peter out by Christmas as kids find they don't actually like each other that much. Reassure your son it's not quite as peachy.as it looks for others either. There's a lot of anxiety and insecurity in some groups.
Try and develop a thick skin, keep being friendly and approachable, chat to others in class if he's struggling at breaks.
Friendships outside of school are great and I wouldn't discourage those activities at all - it's good to know that you are likeable and popular with some people, otherwise his self esteem is going to take a battering.
All 3 of our kids have said that friendships in yr 7&8 were very superficial and they only really found good friends in yr9.

Oh bless him.
Some kind of club really would be a good idea wouldn't it?
I definitely wouldn't stop him hanging out with his old friends though. At least in his free time he has his mates.
Hope things improve for him soon.

If the faith schools have a space, they have a space. Doesn’t matter if you go to church or not. Give them a ring this afternoon.

Maybe the chess club would be a good place to start? Probably going to have some quieter kids in it who might welcome a new friend.

My son wants to change schools but he won’t get into the schools his old friends went to anyway as they went to faith schools but we stopped going to church years ago.

Not necessarily the case of they have no children in the faith category on waiting list. Within 8 forms he would eventually find friends but it may be difficult short term. What activities he could join at school?

Thank you all for your replies - I will encourage him to the lunchtimes clubs and check with HoY about any more. He is on the Rugby team but his team mates are apparently all in different groups so he can’t hang out with them at breaks either.

I feel there is a bit of him that has stopped making an effort at all as he thinks if he stays miserable we will move him and he will go and join his old friends. I will enquire about waiting lists but as I said I think they’re are well oversubscribed and much for their away from us now we’ve moved so his commuting time would be over an jour and a half each way (walk, two tubes and a walk) so o would like to try and make this school work if we can (10mins walk away)

It does sound a little bit like he is pining for his old friends and it's holding him back.
The rugby club is a good thing. Sport is very unifying for kids.
I'd make light enquiries about the other schools but I think he should try a little longer at this one. The commute is a huge difference and will have a negative impact - if he moved - to socialising etc as he gets older.

We are in a very similar position OP.

I think if they've been with the same friends at primary school for so long, they're not well practiced in making new friends.

We're finding that some people he's friends with outside school (sports clubs etc) are excluding him at school because he's not part of their gang (from primary school).

We're doing the usual things, activities outside school, lunch/after school clubs to meet people. He's slowly getting to know people but not enough to be classed as friends yet.

No advice but solidarity.

It's still very early days. Ask HoY to facilitate friendships subtly. Get him to try and few clubs.

Thanks all - still waiting for HoY phone call but nice to know others have been through it.

It’s so hard seeing him so upset and no amount of telling him that others go through it and he’ll get there eventually is sinking in. I wish we could make them understand that what seems massive now is not a big deal in the long run but school is their world isn’t it?

@cortisolqueen thanks for the solidarity - let me know if you have a breakthrough

Just bumping for the evening crowd.

Would be really helpful to hear from some teachers about procedures in place to deal with this situation (if any) and what they would do if I came to them for help

I sympathise op. My DS is in a similar position, he says he's making friends but they seem turbulent friendships, with frequent falling outs. He says he's not bothered about seeing his old primary friends, as needs to focus on building new group. I admire his tenacity, but it has been hard. I have an older DS, and agree about Y7 being very transitional (he had all new mates by y8), but that doesn't help right now! Sending hugs and hope.

Ds3 struggled at the start of year 7. All his classes were with his form and he couldn't seem to 'gel' with anyone.
He's on the football team and they moved him to a form which had another couple of boys in it from the team. He's flying now! Settled so well in his new form and made lots of other friends. Perhaps you could suggest a move to a group with some of the rugby boys?

Oh this is really sad, bless him. I remember feeling the same way in year 7, I initially made friends with a couple of girls but it petered out by Christmas and I had a good few weeks of feeling on my own and very insecure. It did eventually work itself out, he will find his people eventually. It's so hard though, school can be so brutal at times.xx

Does he have social media and do you have access to it? I would look at what is happening online to see if that gives any insight.

The thing about him "thinking there might be a rumour going round about him" makes me think something is going on, but he's embarrassed to tell you. I'd work on trying to find out what it might be.

At my school, there are a number of students who go to the library at lunch times if they are feeling a bit lonely. Usually there are students chatting, playing cards or board games etc. Our librarian is very inclusive and helps the students get to know each other.
Alternatively, if the school runs two sides to a year group perhaps you could ask the HOY to change his side of the timetable or his tutor group to give him the chance to get to know some different students.
It will get easier, hang in there.

Thank you so much everyone - @Dacadactyl yes he does have social media, he has apparently been removed from one group, he’s still in another and there is nothing worrying on there, just chat about school but he doesn’t post/comment anymore.

He has got Snapchat which obviously deletes but there doesn’t seem to be anything on there. He only seems to chat to his old friends.

@Teach22 That was something I was going to ask about as I think it might help him but he has said he’s not sure what good it will do. Again, I don’t know how much of that defeatist thing is genuinely how he feels and how much is that he so desperately wants to move schools