Oxfordshire/Wiltshire schools with outstanding SEN

[Magicnumber123]

Hi there,

Our eldest son recently turned 10 and attends a countryside prep in Oxfordshire. He is an extremely social, sensitive, charismatic bright and athletic/sporty boy who has a combined ASD/ADHD diagnosis and sensory processing challenges. He has his honed his masking skills to such a high level that both his current school and former London school were almost disbelieving of the picture we presented of him outside of school hours - extreme anxiety, emotional dis-regulation, controlled eating, obsessive tendencies, physical discomfort, verbal and physical lashing out - I could go on! We have been at our wits end now for years as we try our best to parent him with the empathy and patience he needs but it has been hard and exhausting to manage family life and we have often got it wrong. We have 2 other younger children and have moved from London to the country in a bid to give the kids a calmer day to day existence and swerve the 11+ scenario which would have been too much for our eldest.

Since starting year 5 things have escalated to a point where my son is unable to mask in the same way and the wheels are starting to come off in spectacular fashion. He is suffering with such extreme anxiety that he screams and begs not to go to school on a daily basis and has now begun to meltdown at the school drop off on days where he just cannot cope. Teachers have now seen this and appear shocked at the level of distress given that they have only ever seen him as happy and confident. He is pretty eloquent when he screams of school as a "prison" which forces him to sit through "tedious lessons" and barely have any fun or enjoyment for 8 hours a day. The kids are expected to move to a different classroom for each lesson and are taught by a variety of teachers with different teaching styles (like senior school). It is a long day with prep done at school at the end of the day before a late pick up. Attempting to do prep at home has always been impossible.

I am at my wits end in terms of knowing how to move forward. The reality is that elements of his current school will not change and if he is to stay there he needs to deal with these. However, there are things about the school that suit him down to the ground - the sport, outdoors approach and lack of pomp and ceremony are a great fit for him. A specialist ASD school would not seem right, nor would home schooling.

I would be hugely grateful for any advice people may have as we cannot continue like this - the stress level in the house day to day is so very high that it is damaging for all of us, not least to him. I can't allow him to school refuse but throwing him in to the lions every day feels overwhelmingly wrong. I don't think he could board at this stage as he wouldn't be able to keep his mask up day and night, he needs down time.

Thanks so much for reading and fingers crossed some people have been here before me and have ideas!

It sounds as if (just judging on your post content) that he'd be more suited to a mainstream school with a resource base that can meet his needs rather than a special school especially as he is academically able (or can be, when well supported). By which I mean he doesn't have a learning disability or disabilities or impaired cognitive function.

Unfortunately I doubt you'll find one of these in the independent schools sector.

Have you considered state with such a resource? There are some good ones in Oxfordshire. Marlborough School in Woodstock (this is a secondary, but thinking a year ahead) is such a school. There are others.

I think, unfortunately, the independent sector does not cater very well for SEN/D unless it's a specialised school. So might be time to widen the net.

I would be heading for a State secondary school at this point for better budgets and highly qualified staff - you want them to be trained to a masters level. Have you looked at Malmesbury School in Wiltshire. They have a highly thought after SEND department and a very nurturing ethos.

Apply for an Ehcp and go state or there is Appleford in Wiltshire for specialist.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice, hugely appreciated.

Have you looked at Bruern Abbey?

You could look at Sibford in Oxfordshire. They don't class themselves as a special school but have a higher than average percentage of pupils with SEN. They cover from 3 through to 18. We're considering it for our ASD DD and thought it was a lovely, calm and nurturing environment when we visited in November.

HI OP - I have pm'ed you.

Hi
sorry can only comment on Oxfordshire but appleford in wilts has a good reputation
we know various people with dc with similar/quite similar challenges who have done really well at

• new college school (mainstream independent but very very kind, nurturing and supportive - they have quite a few academic neurodiverse dc)
• d’overbroecks secondary
• sibford
• our lady’s in Abingdon
• LVS oxford

if your ds has more than mild extra needs might be worth considering an EHCP and state options as well, my experience (through work) is that mild additional needs are often best catered for in nurturing small independents but greater needs in state sector. good luck and I feel for you during these stressful decisions

I'd just forget about him doing prep for now, he is at the verge of avoiding school altogether, so I'd start by taking off the pressure and introduce as much down time as possible. Can't you pick him up at 4pm before prep and just let him chill at home to recover? Then talk to Senco, it helped my dc to be free to go to calm places during the day, they were allowed to go out of class and sit in the library if needed. Bruern Abbey might be able to help for the last years of prep. For secondary, D'Overbroek's might work, it always seemed more like a college than a school, so might suit your ds who seems to need a lot of freedom. If my dc is typical for someone with ASD, then you can't force/push/persuade him, the motivation has to come from within, from their own sense of logic and justice, otherwise they'll just block and melt or shut down. They also need huge amounts of time in their own company just to recover from the stress, noise and smells of being with other people, and of being told by others what to do, so until 6pm is just too long for any dc with ASD to cope.

Thank you so much for your replies. Incredibly helpful and insightful. I think you are right NellyBarney re 6pm being too long on the demands front.

We had significant homework challenges in year 3/4. Basically gave up on it as ds was too tired. By year 5 things improved and now in yr7 ds is doing all the work set (at least minimally).

what has helped us is

• lots of work with ds on understanding his ASD and getting him to express anxiety to us through whatever means , books like kids survival guide to ASD

www.amazon.co.uk/Survival-Guide-Autism-Spectrum-Disorders/dp/1575423855

• no after school clubs to reduce tiredness (ds now does two a week but until yr6 was just shattered)
• homework ‘break’ as above
• not scheduling much at weekends
• asking the school to give very specific instructions e.g. not ‘revise for science test’ but ‘revise for 30mins, covering all material in your book from date x to y or covering topics a,b,c.’ Rather than ‘write an essay’ we now get ‘write an essay, with 5 paragraphs, covering material from lessons a,b,c and answering the question xxxxxxx’Twinkl is invaluable for materials to help structure or cover topics.
• ear defenders for minibus trips to sports or outings
• organising that ds would not get various forms of discipline (they have various ‘slips’) as he was so fearful of being disciplined he started doing some very odd things and made the situation worse

everything is a lot better now and we have totally adjusted our expectation of what the ‘best’ school is from being a really good all round school with great outcomes to being somewhere that is flexible and will cater for ds’ specific needs whilst providing reasonable education.