what would you do ?

[b1uesky]

My 6-year-old Dd has a good chance of being accepted into a music school for gifted children next year. If accepted she will be given over £20,000 scholarship a year, until she is 18.

The school also do very well academically so it would be a fantastic opportunity for her. The problem is the school is over 200 miles away so she would need full boarding.

I was on a music forum awhile back and most parents there said they would make the sacrifice and send their child to this school, if they were given the opportunity.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I would move close to the school if you really want it,would definitely not put a 6 yr old in boarding.

My ds was in a specialist music school til recently. It sounds very exciting for your dd, but bear in mind the following.
6 is very young to board - in fact, no way would i put a child of this age into boarding.
To what extent are you guaranteed the scholarship will run til she's 18? Usually with a music scholarship, there are regular assessments. Don't want to rain on your parade, but it's worth thinking about. Would be awful if she got one but didnt keep it right the way through.
IME music scholarships are great for kids who want to become a professional musician, but at 6, can your dd realistically know what her ambitions are? I think it's a hell of a lot of work and pressure if you have a child who is talented and musical but just wants to do music for pleasure rather than as a career. It was suggested my ds went for a music scholarship (he'd been on a choral scholarship) but tbh he wanted a broader education so chose to move schools. Interestingly he chooses to play music far more now than when he was at the specialist school

It is a fabulous opportunity, but you would have to move closer. You can't let a 6yo board unless it is exceptional circumstances. She would be at the school for 11 years - that is more than long enough to justify moving your family.

Is dd an only child? Just asking because if you have other dcs to consider, how would they feel about moving? Can be tricky if you're seen to be putting one childs needs above the others. And I agree you would HAVE to move. Don't put a 6 year old in boarding. I know quite a bit about boarding schools and 6 is way too little

Never in a million years would I let a 7 yo board

I know some people do but they must be potty

I would let a 7 yr old board. I teach 7yr old boarders. However, as with all boarding, it depends on the child. Some can quite happily board at a very young age. Some are never happy boarding at any age. IMO its not a question about whether a 7 yr old should board or not, its a question about whether your 7yr can cope with and will enjoy boarding.

For what its worth, I have seen plenty of children who are happy boarding at that age.

Could you and the rest of the family cope? Its often harder on the parents than on the child.

Thanks for all the advice; I just wanted reassurance that I was doing the right thing by not sending dd to this school. I think it took me less than a day to decide but after hearing all the comments from the other forum, I was beginning to feel guilty and selfish for not allowing dd this opportunity. But in all honesty I could never send my little girl to boarding, she is a tough little cookie and might be able to cope but I don't think I can.

I think with my decision I will have to be realistic and give up any hope of dd ever becoming a great pianist, because I could never afford to provide dd the help and training needed at home. I?m afraid moving is not really a possibility, the reasons are too long and complicated to go into here. It?s just so hard being a single mum and I feel that I have really let my little girl down.

My son is good at Rugby and would like to play it professionally. I had a chance to speak to Martin Johnson, did the usual pushy parent routine asked him about the best way to get recognition: through club or school? He simply said, ?If he is good enough, he will be discovered no matter what the route.? That told me!
I think the same probably applies to music.

You can always try for a music scholarship at local schools at 11.

Have you tried looking into grants for musically gifted children? You might be able to find a way for your daughter's musical talents to be developed locally, without having to find the funds yourself.

Stop beating yourself up about it. Leave it a while and see how you feel later on. Why not let her take the test and, if she gets accepted, then use the offer to call up local prep schools and see if they will give her a local music scholarship instead. Schools will want to give these scholarships to truly gifted children so there's no reason not to approach local schools. Even if they are not as prestigious as the school in question, they will open up lots of opportunities for her later down the line.

Good things about her going - .........
Things she may miss out on if she doesn't go - .......
Good things about her boarding but you being 200 miles away - .....
Bad part of boarding and you 200 miles away - ......
Good things about her going but you all move nearer - .......

I think ruggermum makes a really good point. If your dd has the talent and the drive, she'll make it. There are many different routes these days to where you want to get to. I've seen kids in the specialist music school my ds attended who are under huge pressure from their parents, and don't have the natural ability to really make it on their own terms. And other kids, who don't have this perceived advantage, may have bags of natural talent and will find their way through another path. There are also many downsides to a boarding education - anxiety, depression, eating disorders and self harming are rife. It may be swept under the carpet but its there.
I understand the dilemma - because if your child has a talent and is offered an opportunity, you feel duty bound to take it. Try to put it into perspective - this seems like the chance of a lifetime now, but when your dd is 15, 20 whatever, she may have other ideas about where she wants her life to go. I know how you feel, because my ds was more or less told he would get a specialist music place for his instrument if he wanted it, but he has no ambition to be a professional musician ( I think he wants to earn more money lol) and he's chosen another path which is making him so much happier.

b1uesky: "I was on a music forum awhile back and most parents there said they would make the sacrifice and send their child to this school"

Well, the thing is, it's not really their - or your - sacrifice to make, is it? Now if your daughter was able to decide, sensibly, that she didn't mind being deprived of your presence and company for most of her childhood in order to help her do slightly better at something she may not enjoy, fine ... but can she? At 6?

OK, my bias is showing. Don't do it. If she turns out not to want a musical career she'll hate you for it. If she does turn out to want a musical career she'll probably still hate you for it.

"I think with my decision I will have to be realistic and give up any hope of dd ever becoming a great pianist"

OK, to be brutally frank, why should your hopes matter here? Six years old is far too young to decide what a child is going to be. What if she wants to be an engineer who plays the piano for fun? Or a violinist? Sending a child away from home at seven in the hope that she could then fulfil a parental dream is not, I think, a particularly nice thing to do.

Mind you, I can imagine that music forum parents might think it a good idea. Some of these people would sell their own kids' livers if they thought it would move them up a chair in the violins ...

And anyway, she may well still make it as a musician (horrible job - rotten pay, nasty hours, no security, much nicer to do it for pleasure) if she stays with you. If she's that good, as others have said, she'll make it!

I used to go to ballet classes taught by an old friend of mine. One of the pupils was a 17 year old of staggeringly high ability. I'd kill for feet like those. She had places lined up at about four Big Name professional training schools ... then thought about it and said no, she'd rather dance for fun. She's now studying medicine at Cambridge, and doing jolly well, from what I hear. Isn't it a good thing that her parents didn't focus exclusively on her dance skills from the age of 7 ... ?

I'm glad you've decided not to send her.

There is no way I would want my DD boarding at all and especially not as such a young age. If it was feasible I would consider moving to enable her to go; if not feasible to move I am afraid I wouldn't even be going to the admission interview/exam.

I know it is easy to say from looking on but it is her childhood and her opportunity not yours. And if you turn it down on her behalf then would you tell her when she's old enough to understand what was given up? Sorry to sound harsh and I don't mean to, but if I was in your position and had the funds I would move to give her the best of both.
What a hard choice though.

fillthatnappylittlekiwi: "I know it is easy to say from looking on but it is her childhood and her opportunity not yours."

No it's not. It's only one opportunity - there will be many, many others. And yes, it is the little girl's childhood. Hers.

"And if you turn it down on her behalf then would you tell her when she's old enough to understand what was given up?"

What about "We decided that sending you away from home for twelve years in the hope that you would have a particular career which sounded good to us was a bit narrow minded, so we decided to give you a much broader childhood. Congratulations on getting your CEng."

I have a dd the same age and no way would I consider for her to board, let alone be hot housed away from home at such an early age. If she is that talented other opportunities will come her way, at a stage when she is in a better position to judge the situation for herself. There are financial opportunities to support promising young musicians , try asking your county council about holiday schemes and weekend clubs as a start.

And iiwy I would also be looking into local independent schools which may offer bursaries/music scholarships covering up to full fees for secondary age.

Never ever, ever. Jeez, she's 6 years old and you're thinking about sending her to live 200 miles away.

I don't think I would send her at 6 - I went away when I was 7 and would not do that to my children.

However with regards to your childs gift musically I don't see that it can be a go to this school or loose the talent. If your child has the ability then with some encouragement surely he/she will still have the potential in a few years time.

Good luck,

If I was being honest to myself, I don't think it was ever a possibility for me to send my dd to boarding, I can?t even bear to be away from her for more than a day. I guess I just needed reassurance from other parents that I was doing the right thing by not sending dd to this school.

DD is not just gifted, she has been assessed and I been informed with the right training she could reach the abrsm piano grade 8 standard by the time she?s 9, which will put her 4 years ahead of most other gifted children. Being a non musical mum it?s hard to appreciate just how gifted she actually is. It?s not easy being told all the time how amazing she is and how I have a responsibility to make sure she gets into a good school. It?s a struggle just to find the money to pay for all her private music lessons every week, there?s just no way I could afford to send her to our local prep school, even with a music scholarship I would still need to pay 50% to 70% towards her fees.

Yesterday I found through this forum another music school nearer to London. I am really excited about it and planning to go to their open day this month. It?s for children from 8 to 18 and I think they only have about 50+ pupils in the whole school! how amazing is that

Have a look here - it's a list of different funding organisations for musicians. There are links to things like the government's Centres for Advanced Training for which there are quite generous grants (means-tested), as well as groups that give/lend instruments to talented musicians and bursaries for other types of support such as summer schools, masterclasses etc. and sometimes even help towards regular music lessons.

As well as Junior Dept Saturday schools there are other weekend schools like this one in London, again funding is usually available. There is a lot of help around.

I would echo what the others have said though, 6 is very young to assume she might or will be a musician. Support and encourage her by all means, but don't be upset if at any stage she turns around and wants to do something different.