Daughter not going to lectures. Not sure what to do

[KM1970]

Hi all, first time posting on here.

My daughter is in her final year of university, studying biochemistry. Up until last week my understanding was that she was doing well at university and there wasn’t any cause for concern.

This was up until last week, when she came home and told me she needed some extra money to resit an exam.

Out of curiosity and a bit of concern I asked her to see her transcript, only to discover that she hasn’t been doing as well as she had been saying. Upon further discussion I discovered that she’s not been going to her lectures for the past 5 weeks, and has instead been going out with her boyfriend and friends.

After a lengthy discussion about if everything was ok and if there was any reason why she hadn’t been going (she said she was too tired after her nights out), she promised me should would start going again.

Today I learnt from her friend that she has not been going. After a phone call to my daughter, I learnt that neither last week nor this week has she attended her lectures and I’m at a bit of a loss. Her last year is massively important being 70% of her overall degree and I’ve invested so much of my time and money on her going to university.

has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? TIA

Your daughter is an adult - I know it is awful to watch them making mistakes but I think you have to let her lead on this as it is her life.

How much is the resit fee? I would lend it to her but expect it to be paid back.

Do you think she is unhappy/struggling or just pissing about?

How old is your daughter? Has she engaged with her pastoral team? Has she spoken to anyone at uni?

I agree with @carefulcalculator

I work in HE and we have teams that normally pick up on those not attending and attempt to make contact with them.
If your daughter is willing she'd be best to contact her Personal tutor or the wellbeing team. Support plans can be put in place.

She’s just messing about. She’s got a boyfriend who is a band and seems to think she’s has her life sorted now.

I’ve given her the money for the resit but she hasn’t been revising or doing any work for it

@BeeandG she refuses to engage with them, she think that she’s got it sorted now she’s dating a guy in a band

@CandyLeBonBon she is 21. She won’t speak to anyone as she knows best apparently

Are you providing her rent/spending money? I’d be telling her I’m taking away the money if she’s not spending it how it was intended. If her degree isn’t important to her then she can come home and get a job.

Obviously I’d hope not to have to carry this out.

Is this the first time she's rebelled like this? Can her friend talk to her?

I would think about putting it in these terms: there's not much time to go and then she can party freely, but for the next six months - which really isn't a long time - it makes sense to knuckle down to studying to get the best result she can.

I would also be inclined to say you can't afford to pay for more resits so any others will be her problem. Don't forget she pays the loans back not you. Don't be a pushover.

Are you sure the lectures are not available to watch later online? She certainly wouldn’t be the first student to miss lectures. It’s not necessarily terminal to her getting a degree.

I agree with PP that she needs to be left to make mistakes. It’s not fair to hold your financial investment in her education over her head: that was your choice to a large degree. However you need to ensure there are consequences, so the resit fee is explicitly described as a loan, with a timetable for repayment. A conversation about what Plan B looks like (ie no degree) may also shock her into knuckling down for the last few months

As long as she's studying she doesn't necessarily need to attend lectures. I had some awful lecturers and so would just read the notes uploaded to the intranet and do my own studying.

She is also an adult so unless you're funding her degree you need to let her live her life and make her own mistakes.

She is also an adult so unless you're funding her degree you need to let her live her life and make her own mistakes.

I don’t believe that a parent’s choice to do this should be conditional/transactional in this way

Maybe tell her that successful rockstars will only be marrying people who are rich and successful themselves - because they can? This is statistically true.