DS told Nursery Mummy and Daddy hit each other...

[namechange22345]

Just that! I have been called in yesterday to discuss the 'incident' where Mummy and Daddy hit each other. We definitely don't and I was mortified! The manager wasn't very reassuring and said that it may have to be a referral for early help?! I've spoken with DC who just says 'but you do hit each other though' and we don't!! He's 3, 4 in Feb. I'm so worried this will lead to a safeguarding issue or even Social Services. I'm beside myself with worry now. Does anyone have any experiences/ words of wisdom?

I love how this thread turned from advising OP, to anecdotes of what you or your children did.

I'm dreading what my 18 month old will come out with when she gets older 🤦🏽‍♀️

Do you have dolls which your son can manipulate which he can play with to show you what he meany by ‘hit’?

@MadeInChorley if kids say something enough they sometimes start to really believe it: it might be that drawing his attention to it even more is going to really make him dig his heels in about ‘daddy and mummy DO hit each other. As previous posters have said early help will be supportive and experienced at dealing with this kind of thing. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

My angelic dd told nursery when she was 3 that i shut her in the boot of the car when she was naughty.

I never did. Never even sat her in the boot for fun.

Nursery interviewed me, quite rightly put me on their watchlist. Don't think it was an SS referral.I'd prefer i was a bit embarrassed than some other poor neglected child was actually being harmed.

Have never forgotten it as first i thought the nursery manager was joking and only about a three minutes into the conversation i realised she was deadly serious and thought i may be abusing my dd. Ouch.

@Retrorose This is EXACTLY what I'm worried about. He does have a pretty vivid imagination, too. He will be sat watching TV with his sister across the other side of the room and just look up and say 'oh, sister has just punched me in the face' after I've just watched her across the other side of the room do zilch. I'm starting to worry less and maybe early help wouldn't be terrible as we do seem to argue a lot I just thought this was pretty standard for a couple after 10years. We do try and save it until after bedtime but sometimes this just isn't humanly possible!

@SchrodingersKettle Oh dear, what are they like?! Yes you're right - rather be embarrassed than sorry for another child in need. Thanks.

Sorry OP I laughed when I read your post and this! I know it's serious. I agree though with this... ask him to do it to you.

This happened to me!! DS was about 2.5. Nursery phoned me at work to advise of his ‘disclosure’ and that they had to contact SS! The next day SS rocked up to my house!
I don’t know why he said it (or why nursery thought he said it - his speech was very delayed so he can’t have said much). Myself and husband don’t even argue let alone fight physically. The social worker was really offish initially but once we’d had a chat and she spoke with both kids and later on my husband she agreed that it had been a mis-communication and that nursery had jumped the gun a bit. Still makes me cringe and it still shows up on records (I saw it on a medical record once!)

Ha @Fannyann0 That's ok. If I don't laugh, I'll cry.

@Cakeyface123 Thank you! It's awful isn't it? I could cry and be physically sick if I thought too much about it. I've not eaten all day! I'm asking him again now and he's still saying we do hit each other! I've asked him to show me what he means on his Teddy and he just smacks his teddy?! We do admittedly argue but not physically. I've maybe tapped DPs hand if he tries to steal a slice of my pizza or pinched his butt, but that's about it!

@Cakeyface123 What sort of things did she ask you/ your kids?

My DS had randomly said that my DH strangled me! 🙈🙈 they said ‘show us’ and he demonstrated on them 😳 Still to this day I have no idea how any of it came about. Just to make it even more cringy - I’d got new foundation at the weekend and on the report that SS had it actually said ….🙈(oh cringe!) ‘mum picked him up and was wearing unusually heavy foundation’ 😂😂🙈🙈 I was SO offended. I thought I looked radiant

@Cakeyface123 Oh what?! Why would they even write that?😂

She asked to speak with them on their own so I went into the kitchen. She asked my eldest if we argued/fought. He said ‘no’ then he said ‘I told them you took me to the pictures and stuff’ lol - cheers kid!
She ‘tried’ to speak with DS (the accuser) but he just stood there sucking his fingers - he was developmentally delayed and SW was quite confused as to how they’d got any info from him at all seeing as he just stood looking at her when she was asking him questions. The second time I spoke with the SW she was like a completely different person and was really open and chatty and reassuring. At the initials visit to my house she was quite stern I felt. She was really shocked when I said there was no DV and that it was just a mis-understanding. She clearly came fully expecting a full-on DV case

just be open and honest with them x

OP this a disclosure of what is called significant harm under the Children's Act, your childcare provider has a duty to refer for investigation.

If she didn't that would be the main concern. I take it you have heard of cases such as Victoria Climbie?

Engage fully and it will be over in no time

Because they think she was wearing heavy makeup to hide bruises from domestic abuse.

Terranostra- exactly that

I'@TerraNostra Of course, I didn't even make the connection.

My son last year whilst at nursery mentioned an incident at home and I went to get him and took into a room at nursery saying my son had made an allegation and they had to report it. They didn’t tell me what was said just that social services would be in touch. Well that night I was in panic no clue what this incident was. The next day a social worker called said he would be going into the nursery to speak with my son then pop round. Well when he arrived he let us know what my son had said to nursery his dad hit him with a shoe. So when he went to nursery he sat with him and talked to him about home life and how did dad hit him with a shoe and asked him to tell him more about it. Then my son describe how him and daddy battle with his figures and he kicked him into the head with superman’s shoe. The social worker sat in my home laughing saying no action was needed. He also mentioned only time he’s unhappy at home is when his big big brother doesn’t let him into his room. He said next time when they are playing battles just to tell him it’s superman and iron man fighting not him and daddy.

Deaf daughter aged about 8. Her SEN lady, who accompanied her every day at school was at a funeral. I went to older child's parent night and was hugged by his teacher ? The headteacher popped asked me to call by his office after. All very odd. I called to the Headteachers office to be met by Social Worker and various members of staff. They told me that my daughter's Father had abused her. I was mortified and fell apart. I could not stand the man but he loved his daughter and I 100% trusted him. She had said that Dad had "pushed her nightie up and it had hurt".. I was distraught. He was destroyed, when I called him. If only they had waited for her SEN scribe to be back the next day (they knew she was with me that night - so would be safe). She had limited language skills but it was easily cleared up when she was interviewed by SW. She had an eczema patch on her back and he had woken her for school, and her nightie had knocked it. The patch of eczema was obvious and a little questioning to her helped her explain. It ruined everything for our co-parenting. The two teachers involved left because we wanted an investigation. Funny, I thought about this today although it was 21 years ago now. How easy it would have been for them to wait another day for the SEN to be back to assist her.

The op has not been accused of harming her child and nor has her partner. This is about her child alleging they fight. He is 3. They might argue but haven’t harmed their child. So, in my view, investigating under safeguarding is pushing it a bit far. There would not appear to be any harm to the child outside his parents arguing. As do very many. Asking about his home life is fair though.

What I would try and do, OP, is state what you argue about in front of DS. Try to argue less and get help if it’s going too far. Also tell DS he must not lie. If he says something that’s patently untrue, ensure you pick him up on it. Say clearly that the action did not happen. I have seen Dc continue to tell tales about children at school and, in thd end, they don’t have friends. They are simply not trusted. So don’t tolerate it. Talk to him about why he lies. Does he recognise it’s hurtful to others? Certainly explain it’s not funny or clever. Being truthful is always expected at school and it pays to correct this trait as early as possible. It’s hard but necessary. Also keep any violent tv/influences away from him.

Tierzor are you a social worker? Clearly not . Of course Domestic abuse falls under safeguarding. Children are are risk of significant harm with violent parents- for eg perpetrator could turn on child, child could get cause in the cross fire. Plus the emotional abuse of witnessing DA between parents.

Also trevorfizz why are you minimising it? The child didn't say " parents arguing " he said parents hitting each other

It really gets my goat when people push their view as professional fact. The result being poor advice

@tearsandtiaras Eeeek, we're definitely not under a DA category! Definitely have our arguments but never screaming at each other/ verbally abusive in any way! Sorry, I'm sure you mean in general but just wanted to point out that I definitely don't think we fall under this category as a household. DC are very loved and neither of us would ever turn to aggression.

I'm sure they hear things like this all the time.

When getting DD ready to go to my mums, she was excited and bumped her head on the door frame, a big bruise came out instantly - DH was still in bed at this point.

We all then left for my mums. When we got there me and DD went in while DH took a work call in the car. My mum saw the bruise on DDs head and asked her what had happened.

Without missing a beat, just as DH walked through the door, DD told my mum 'daddy hit me' He didn't. He wouldn't and my mum knew that, but the more he kept saying 'no I didn't' the worse it sounded.

We were worried for weeks that she would say something in nursery!