School fees - refund available?

[ChangeUser2022]

Hi all
seeking views on an atypical situation.
SBEx and I are separated. Long history of coercive control and emotional abuse - there is a non-molestation order in place.

we have a ds aged 5, in year 1 at a pre-prep. Before we separated h wanted to stop the separation so he paid ds school fees for this and next academic year. I suspect he did this in an attempt to mollify me as h would routinely threaten not to contribute to these whenever we had a disagreement.

h has now left the country with 1 days notice to me and claims he is on sick leave, will be resigning from employment at end of year to look after mental health and his son aged 13 (my stepson). He is in a profession and earns in excess of £100k. He stated that he is not sure when he will recommence working but in the meantime is threatening to ask for a refund of fees from the school as he is may have ‘short term cash issues. The school say they can refund??

i find this really odd on the schools part. Has anyone else encountered such a situation? I intend to ask for a copy of their refund policy anyway but interested in views, thank you!

You usually have to give a full term's notice I think, so if he paid two years he might get next year plus summer term back.

He sounds full of bullshit though. Do you have the ability to pay school fees longer term, or is he going to pull this shit the whole time? He's doing it to wind you up. I'd call his bluff and start looking at state schools.

If the school say they will refund (or do you think your ex is lying?) then I'd assume they will.

Personally, if you're reliant on your abusive ex paying the fees, I'd be looking to pull my DC out of the school anyway - he is young enough to settle somewhere else without too much difficulty, and you don't want the continued possibility of threats and having to beg for money.

I'd be ringing the school to clarify as well. But you need to be financially independent of him as soon as you can. See if you can get written evidence of this to support you in any future proceedings too. I don't think courts would look kindly on using a child's schooling this way.

Yes, they’d refund. They only need to keep one term’s fees in lieu.

He’s basically giving notice on the place, can you afford the fees? If not, I’d get on to the local stage schools as PP has said.

*state

He’s stated it several times in writing.
it’s very very cruel as ds is already devastated at his dad leaving abruptly and school is his safe place. He only has this year and year 2 left.
i contribute to the school fees and could manage to pay in full if I financed carefully. Finances are still being discussed (one of his ideas to save on costs was to reduce my working hours so that there would be no childcare costs, whilst stating that he wasn’t able to pay maintenance!). We are putting up the marital home for sale so that will release casks.

personally I think he’s using it as a carrot to bait me with it I dint agree to his other unreasonable demands

I have spoken to the school and they say they can refund

I would just move your DS to state school and draw a line under it. At this age its less disruptive and you don't want to have this volatility going forward.

He would probably try and use the school fees as a negotiating point to get you to settle for less than you should. Your DS is young and will easily settle in a new school (you would need to be upbeat about it as he will be influenced by your reaction to the change). It sounds like you were on a path to competitive entrance exams to prep school but a rethink and refocus to 11+ entry to private senior school from a state school would still keep your options open for later. If you do this it would remove the stress you and DS would experience over the next year with your SBEx’s game-playing.

PS, the ‘sick leave’ and move to another country could all be attempts to avoid any financial support for your DS. You dont mention if you were married. It may be worth getting some legal advice on whether you can stop the school refunding the money.

Have you made it clear to the school that you do not consent to the refund, do not want it to happen, and that this may result in your child having to leave the school in the middle of an acrimonious divorce? If not do so asap.

Tell the school that the payment was made using joint marital assets on behalf of both of you, and if they choose to refund the husband against the wishes of the wife, you consider that they are waiving their right to pursue the wife in future for any unpaid fees. Say also that your husband is financially abusive and using the child as a weapon in emotional abuse, and you are disappointed tthe school would allow themselves to be used as part of financial and emotional abuse. Remind them that their primary obligation is to their pupil and his welfare.

Put all of this in writing to the school and request a meeting with the bursar and head to discuss.

@Dontaskdontget The school's primary obligation is making money.
They are unlikely to want to get in the middle of a family disagreement.
If OP wants to prevent the refund, she will likely have to take legal action.

Me too. You can't be worrying about this for another year and a half,

You already know he's using it against you!

I would very much disagree on this statement. Apart from very few schools that may belong to a company, most private schools do not earn money, they use all the money the get from fees to pay staff and all other expenses. I think a lot of people forget that.
I do agree though in the second part that they probably won't want to get into a family matter, hence, I agree you should get legal advice as soon as possible.
I wish you all the best and remember that you are stronger than you think 💪