When is it time to change secondary school or consider home schooling?

[Lilsku]

Hi, new here and could really do with some help.

My DD (just turned 13) is in year 8 of secondary school. She found the transition into year 7 really tough especially following COVID and home schooling.

It's been an ongoing battle right through year 7 and doesn't seem to be getting any easier into year 8.

Shes very socially anxious, finds the large school environment intimidating, she is constantly on edge at being called out to answer questions by a teacher in front of peers. Struggles making new friends as she's quite shy and introverted, although has a small friendship group.

I've engaged with head of year throughout year 7 and the new head of year into year 8 for support. Whilst they've been very receptive at trying to find ways to help, fundamentally it isn't having enough effect.

I have tears and begging not to go to school every night, every morning with some days where she point blank refuses to get dressed to go in. Her attendance is around 70% and I've discussed this with the school.

The kind of things the school has put in place was an 8 week wellbeing programme in year 7 with weekly wellbeing sessions with their wellbeing teachers.

Shes recently been given a card to use in class to come out of class and take 5 minutes without the need to explain, although she hasn't used this as she's too afraid.

She is due to go back through wellbeing support again in school but this seems to be slow at starting and will require a further follow up from me.

Since year 7 she's begged to be home schooled and whilst I've no doubt she would self motivate pretty well and is generally quite comfortable academically, I work in a full time job (mostly from home) that's also very demanding and I simply don't know how I could support her full time education whilst working.

This is coupled with the fact her brother (11) in year 7 also has his own struggles with school, mainly due to his ADHD. I feel like im failing him by not doing more to help him in a school setting that he finds incredibly difficult for different reasons. If I went down a homeschooling route I'd need to consider the same for him and he would need a lot more support as struggles to self motivated stay on task, concentrate for any period etc

I've discussed with DD that we can consider another school to see if it would help. She flits back and forth on this as is quite fearful of having no friendship group and finding it equally intimidating as she does now.

I honestly feel at a loss as to what to do next. I'm in a situation where she is very likely to refuse to go in tomorrow and is deeply unhappy and anxious about school. Where do I go from here? Has anyone got/had similar challenges that could give me some advice please?

Thanks

Does your DD and DS actually want to be homeschooled? If they want to and you can do it then you will be doing them a great act of kindness that they will thank you for forever.
My middle DS is homeschooled. He has Asperger's and Tourettes. Once we deregistered he never looked back. Good luck with whatever you decide.

DD absolutely does because she dislikes school. DS would probably benefit from it in many ways if I were honest with myself.
Realistically I'm not sure how I could do it shy of reducing hours or giving up my job which just isn't feasible.
Can I ask how much actual time you spend home schooling in a typical week? Clearly I need to look into it more to at least understand what could or couldn't be feasible as I don't know anyone that home schools and have no experience of it.

Are you a single parent? If you are, I think you need to be very careful going down a route that could lead to you finding it difficult to do your job. If you're not, can your household manage on less than two full time wages?

Has your DD been assessed for additional needs? Girls tend to be better at masking so it shows up layer. Has she seen anyone for her anxiety? Is there a school counsellor? If not could you pay for one? Try Young Minds for tips and advice.

I think I'd try harder to help your DD to manage in school before giving up. She has friends, she has a time out card, she completed y7 with support. That's a big deal.

If she can progress that may be very helpful to your son.

I have a DD in year 5 with ADHD and ASD. I am never going to home educate her. And I'm a teacher!

Later, not layer!

DS works best to a timetable based on the national curriculum. He works max two hours eg hour on geography, hour on maths. Don't forget the school day is 6 hours and students only spend 3 of those actually working. The rest is lunch, breaks, register, form and messing around being told to be quiet.

We tried it for a while when dd came out of school due to bullying. I found it very hard though, it's not the academic work that's hard to do but the social side of things. I was driving long distances every day just to go to groups and meet other home ed children.

I found it a hard way of life and I think it would be better to try a new school and see if that might fit your dd better. You could always home ed in the future.

@Lilsku before making the decision to home educate, If you're on Facebook, please join groups such as home educators uk, and any local groups. It will enable you to chat to people who are in a similar situation.
I home school (have done for for 7 years now), but dc are only home schooled during primary school.

At secondary I would also consider the expense of private exams if you are going to home ed long term. You may also need to pay for tutors too. On our budget we just wouldn't be able to afford it, if you have the money though it's very feasible.

Not Fine in School is another Facebook group where you will find parents in a similar situation.

Another alternative to consider (depending on budget of course) is an online high school such as King's Interhigh.

Things our school has in place for children with similar concerns
Part-time timetable
3 minute early pass so students can get around school whilst quiet.
Toilet pass to use toilet when quiet.
A note on their file saying no direct questioning infront of peers but to do it 1:1 or check with student first.
A quiet place to eat lunch and to go during break times.
Counselling and working on resilience.
Ask the school to try some of these strategies and look into her perhaps having additional needs as many girls are missed until late into teen hood, if picked up at all.

I would home school as a very last resort, your DD will never learn resilience and needs to be around peers for social development she may end up socially isolated and find it impossible to get back out there. Alot of homeschoolers are actually part of quite a complex network of activities and groups that meet during the week so that their children can still socialise and learn together but if you are going to attempt to work at the same time you won't be able to facilitate this.

This is probably going to be me in a few years as DS is already struggling and he's in year 1. I have been researching it a lot.

Have a look at Hannah home educates, she's mostly on tik tok but I think you can view even if you don't have an account. Home education and homeschooling support UK is a good group on Facebook to join, there's loads of people in the same boat. Another one is home education for all H.E.F.A UK.

I think previous posters are right in that it is extremely difficult to have a job and home educate. Even with dh working full time, I found part time work very hard.

Something to look into would be whether there are a lot of other HE groups and people to meet up with close by. Otherwise you will end up driving miles every day just to have a social opportunity for your dc. Our area wasn't brilliant for meet ups, apart from the regular forest school afternoon there wasn't much around. There were classes a long way from us that I used to drive through but my dd didn't make any proper friends. A lot of people would come for a week then disappear never to be seen again.

This is probably not the experience of everyone but it certainly seems to be ours.

Also homeschooling doesn't have to recreate school, you can do it however best they learn i.e. workbooks or more hands on or at different times in the day. A few on the groups do theyre 'school' work in the late afternoons/eve.

Home education can work but ahoukd be a last resort, it would be a huge drain on you and it’s hard (and expensive) to get her through gcse and a-level exams.

Before home ed I would look at all schools, state and private, within a 40 min drive, check their class sizes, and explore whether any of the private schools do 100% bursaries for your income level. Like if you’re a homeowner on £100k she isn’t going to get a bursary, but if you’re renting and earning less than £80k it’s worth checking out. One private school I know has a class size of 8 and gives 50% bursaries, I suspect that kind of thing would really help her.

Another option might be a year off.

Sign up to one of those home schooling online class things. Or if you can afford private school try that. She obviously sounds desperately unhappy - I would not let my child get to that state of desperation…I would be fearful of her thinking her only way out was the unthinkable.

Personally I wouldn’t deregister and EHE. Parents often find it easier to get support when their DC remain on the school roll even if they aren’t attending. Bluntly you are someone’s ‘problem’. Whereas if you EHE it is too easy for professionals to brush DC’s needs under the carpet. If you EHE the LA will say you are making suitable arrangements thereby reliving them of their duties.

Instead I would apply for an EHCNA. The benefit of this is if the LA agree to assess it can include assessments that will highlight where DD needs support, and EHCPs can include therapies you wouldn’t otherwise get. With an EHCP if attending school isn’t suitable there is EOTAS.

In addition to this, if DD can’t attend school full time due to her MH the LA must make alternative arrangements. This should have begun when it became clear DD would miss 15 days - the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. Is medical needs provision is place?

Lastly have you consider if DD is ND? Having a ND brother makes it more likely she is ND and coupled with her anxiety it jumped out at me.

I agree with @Thatsnotmycar . DD2 was like your DD. She ended up completely unable to attend school, got an EHCP and got placed in an independent specialist school with a class size of 3. Unfortunately, she spent most of year 10 out of school, so the LA have just agreed to pay for an extra year, so that she repeats year 10.

You really need to see your GP or push school harder and try to get her assessed.

Hi there. I've just been perusing about home schooling. My daughter started year 7 in September and is really struggling. She has anxiety but it has been 100% worse since starting secondary school. She hates the size of the school and is overwhelmed all day going from lesson to lesson in crowded corridors with 100's of kids. This is just the tip of the iceberg she's now flat refusing to go, spiralling into panic attacks etc. We are looking at other smaller secondary schools but are also looking into home schooling. I'm in a similar position to you. I predominantly wfh but not sure how i would juggle everything. Have you had any resolve or are you still soldiering on? Xxx

Ideally push for an EHCP through school. However you can actually apply for an EHCP while home educated. The school should be providing work at home but many schools try to work out of their responsibilities. The LA might be worth talking to, they can pressurise the school to meet their obligations. It might be worth coordinating a part time timetable with the school, building upon lessons she enjoys. Also trial weeks at other schools. Counselling.

There is so much available to me locally through home Ed groups - felting, crafts, nature based classes, music, sports, tuition, GCSEs and vocational courses through our local college or online. It’s very social. Find your local Facebook group and ask what’s out there for 11-13 year olds.

The school should be providing work at home but many schools try to work out of their responsibilities

The duty to provide education to those unable to attend school full time lies with the LA, not the school.

@LolPerkins Don’t deregister and EHE. Parents often find it easier to get support if DC remain on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend. If DD can’t attend school full time the LA must provide alternate education. You should apply for an EHCNA too.

The LA expect schools to provide work after two weeks of non attendance. This is a first step to reintegration into school. Schools can also finance placements in specialist provisions or provide online learning but it is more common for young people to fall out of the system or be forced out of the system. Schools don’t like to part with their cash and are often ineffective/unskilled when it comes to anxious non attenders. An EHCP or consultant diagnosis will help with ensuring the LA meet your child’s needs. It’s not bullet or off though.

Bullet proof

I work across loads of different schools and I’m afraid y8 is universally a really hard year usually settles a bit in y9 and usually y10’s are nice humans again with some blips. Y8 is horrid.

Im in same boat with my y8 daughter. She wants an autism assessment (her middle sister is autistic) and after 18 months of begging to move we are viewing two schools this week but have told her she needs to prove that one of these schools is going to be a significantly better choice for her otherwise she isn’t moving. She has stopped making effort with school work and friends. Pastoral are being great with her and we are getting her counselling/coaching and loads of TLC but I’m leaning to getting her to ride it out as I know it will get better next year and if it doesn’t then maybe we move her. Her sister starts at same school in sept and that will prob be a disasters (her needs mean she won’t cope with mainstream secondary) so it’s a stressful time.