When is it time to change secondary school or consider home schooling?

[Lilsku]

Hi, new here and could really do with some help.

My DD (just turned 13) is in year 8 of secondary school. She found the transition into year 7 really tough especially following COVID and home schooling.

It's been an ongoing battle right through year 7 and doesn't seem to be getting any easier into year 8.

Shes very socially anxious, finds the large school environment intimidating, she is constantly on edge at being called out to answer questions by a teacher in front of peers. Struggles making new friends as she's quite shy and introverted, although has a small friendship group.

I've engaged with head of year throughout year 7 and the new head of year into year 8 for support. Whilst they've been very receptive at trying to find ways to help, fundamentally it isn't having enough effect.

I have tears and begging not to go to school every night, every morning with some days where she point blank refuses to get dressed to go in. Her attendance is around 70% and I've discussed this with the school.

The kind of things the school has put in place was an 8 week wellbeing programme in year 7 with weekly wellbeing sessions with their wellbeing teachers.

Shes recently been given a card to use in class to come out of class and take 5 minutes without the need to explain, although she hasn't used this as she's too afraid.

She is due to go back through wellbeing support again in school but this seems to be slow at starting and will require a further follow up from me.

Since year 7 she's begged to be home schooled and whilst I've no doubt she would self motivate pretty well and is generally quite comfortable academically, I work in a full time job (mostly from home) that's also very demanding and I simply don't know how I could support her full time education whilst working.

This is coupled with the fact her brother (11) in year 7 also has his own struggles with school, mainly due to his ADHD. I feel like im failing him by not doing more to help him in a school setting that he finds incredibly difficult for different reasons. If I went down a homeschooling route I'd need to consider the same for him and he would need a lot more support as struggles to self motivated stay on task, concentrate for any period etc

I've discussed with DD that we can consider another school to see if it would help. She flits back and forth on this as is quite fearful of having no friendship group and finding it equally intimidating as she does now.

I honestly feel at a loss as to what to do next. I'm in a situation where she is very likely to refuse to go in tomorrow and is deeply unhappy and anxious about school. Where do I go from here? Has anyone got/had similar challenges that could give me some advice please?

Thanks

LAs can expect it all they want, but the legal duty under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 to provide education to those unable to attend school lies with the LA, not the school. Provision for those unable to attend due to medical needs/SEN should begin as soon as it becomes clear 15 days will be missed, the days don’t need to have already been missed or consecutive. Enforcement action is against the LA, not school. Even if the school do send work home the LGO are clear work sent home from schools is not enough to discharge that duty.

I agree with the poster who suggested she may be ND - with an ADHD diagnosed brother, are you sure sure doesn't have female presentation of ADHD?

As a teacher and mother of a dd very similar to yours, I would get her out ASAP. We waited until year 9 to take our dd out of mainstream education and wish we'd done it sooner. School is horrific for children with asd or social anxiety and forcing them to go in doesn't help them. As a teacher I have watched pupils like my and your dd struggle and flounder at school; the support is hopeless. We moved our dd to a private school that focuses on wellbeing but we had to relocate for this and I appreciate not everyone is in a position to do this. It was the best thing we ever did though and I only wish we'd done it sooner.

My dd was I a similar situation 2 years ago. She enjoyed online learning during the pandemic but couldn't cope with going back to school, and she had already grown more and more anxious and avoidant of school before the pandemic. So we moved her, and in the process moved across the country, changed jobs, to find an overall calmer, rural, cheaper lifestyle and a school widely known for its friendly and non pressurised attitude. The Senco there arranged similar things to your school, a weekly counselling session with the school counsellor and she was allowed to go out of lessons/stay in during breaktime if she felt she needed to. Teachers knew not to call her out/single her out in class. We tried to get her onto the NHS for the ASD pathway, but as we moved counties they made us start all over again, and as the school accepted the diagnosis she had from a private psychiatrist and educational psychiatrist, we just couldn't be bothered to battle the windmills of buraucracy. She really thrived and now is even begging to board at the school. I'd personally get your dd seen quickly by a private psychiatrist to see if their is anything else at work, e.g. ASD. Then I'd probably get her a new start, either with an online school at home (there are more and more out now) or a new smaller school with a supportive Senco and overall SEND friendly ethos. Once you are so unhappy, you need something to change quickly and be able to make a new start.

I thought we were heading towards where you are now with our DS, but he settled in halfway through Year 7, and is now happy at school. It was horrible and stressful until this happened though. The things that made a difference were becoming part of a friendship group with similar children, having somewhere quiet to go to spend time (the library), and having understanding teachers and staff.

I'd be loathe to consider home schooling - I'm good at my job (which I need!), and I'm not a teacher. And my DS needs to work on social skills, so school (with support) is a good place to do that.

Good luck, I hope things settle down for you.