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DS 12 in trouble at school

12 replies

Starmummy · 29/01/2008 03:51

DS head of year called me yesterday to go in and see her today. She wouldnt tell me except to say it was serious and that she would wait and see how much ds told me.

So I sit Ds down and ask calmly if he has anything to tell me. Out it comes. He was caught sending notes in class, apparantly it had been going on all lesson and the note used some very rude explicit words, and some he has never heard in this house! He wouldnt tell me what they were but did confirm he hadnt heard them anywhere except school. He tells me the notes were because he lost he temper after weeks of name calling and said he felt provoked.

I think there are a number of issues here, firstly he didnt tell me he was unhappy with the name calling. We could have talked about how to handle it and controlling his temper. Secondly in no way is his work good enough to even think about not concentrating on the teacher. Thirdly, using those words, although I am not happy I am less bothered about that as I dont think its something he does all the time. He is asking not to go to school now. Have sent him anyway.

Next is how to handle the teacher, yes he was wrong on a number of levels, regardless of provocation and he needs to be punished, however Ds tells me the teacher did not ask for any background to the situation nor would she let him say anything other than what had happened in the lesson. so he hasnt had the chance to say that he has been verbally bullied for a number of weeks and this just caused him to flip out. He isnt a perfect child however I do want to do the right thing. What do you think the punishment should be for misbehaving in class, disrespectful to the techer and bad language? And what would you think the outcome should be regarding the verbal bullying?

TIA, a very despondant starmummy.

OP posts:
OLDroot · 29/01/2008 06:19

Oh Starmummy how horrid for you and your son.

It seems to me that it is a perfect opportunity for you to take the time to listen to his HOY as you have your ds and then they listen to you - and you discuss where to go from there.

a his was only swearing
b he was provoked
c well done for him for fighting back without resorting to physical violence.

take care

roisin · 29/01/2008 08:15

Oh dear - sorry you're having to go through this.

The fact of the matter is with a secondary class of 30 children, and a hectic timetable, teacher may simply not have had the time to sit down and ask ds1 what it was all about - hence she's handed it on to the HOY. By all means make the HOY aware of the verbal bullying, but don't attempt to use it as an excuse for your ds's behaviour.

Whatever the punishment I think he should take it on the chin. In our school he'd get an after-school detention probably.

dippydeedoo · 29/01/2008 08:33

Ive got to say it hes 12 12 hes full of hormones hes a little fish in a huge big secondary school pond-i think hes probably the only one caught tbh ....i have a 12 yr old too and i know what goes on ......dont fret its a phase.....secondary school incidents do get blown up sometimes and it will soon pass.....id say full mars to him that he wasnt fighting (thats what im getting lol) .....hugs x

dippydeedoo · 29/01/2008 08:34

i think a detention and an apology should suffice .....then matter closed ...until the next time

Blandmum · 29/01/2008 08:34

I agree with Roisin, raise the previous bullying as a distinct issue.

What ever the reason, the prior behaviour cannot be an excuse.

Note sending seems a very controled way to 'flip'

In our school it would probably be a day's suspension, as much as anything for wasting time in the lesson.

bozza · 29/01/2008 08:41

Would you really suspend for that mb? I am surprised - I would have classed it as more detention level behaviour. Agree about it being a "controled way to flip" which would make me as a mother slightly wondering if there was a bit more that my DS had decided not to tell me.

anyway good luck starmummy, I hope you can nip this in the bud.

Blandmum · 29/01/2008 08:43

We don#t do after school dts any more.

If it were just a note, then it would be a senior staff dt at lunchtime.

The offensive nature of the note would lead to a days suspension.

Saying 'fuck' to a member of staff gets you 3 days.

hope it is all resolved soon.

bozza · 29/01/2008 08:45

I see, but the offensive language wasn't directed at the teacher. Still I suppose starmummy will find out today.

Christywhisty · 29/01/2008 08:47

Is he Year 7?
My Ds did something similar but he sent some texts.
We knew he was having problems with the boys he went to school with on the train. They were verbally bullyinghm and playing silly tricks on him.
DS responded by texting them saying they were f---ers. I found a text from one of the boys saying he had told his mother etc.

We told ds to approach the bullybusters, but he went to head of lower school and told her had been bullied.
She called the boys in and they showed her the texts. He got a good telling off but not anything else. WE were not called in either and I have hat to see the LSH and she has said nothing to me about it and been very sympathetic about other problems.
one of the boys is still holding these texts over him and threatened not long ago to show them to their form teacher.
Although I am really upset at the language he used I am more upset about the bullying he received.
He knows now never to put anything like this in writing

Starmummy · 29/01/2008 13:39

Ok, have been to school, HOY kept me waiting half an hour ! Whilst she saw someone else, even though she had expressly summoned me for 3.30.

Anyway, I had to tell her what Ds had told me, she concucurred and said Ds had been v honest and told everything with no backtracking or hmmming. She asked if I wanted to see the note [anger]!!!!! Punishment has been decided as a days internal suspension. blast, I was hoping for 3 weeks lunchtimes practising handwriting, but thats another story. She called DS in, asked if he had anything to say. He said sorry, apologised to the HOY and to the teacher concerned. He agreed he felt the punishment was reasonable. In essence I was satisfied with everything to that point. We went outside and got in the car and DS was nearly hysterical. He was worried that he other boy had got off scott free after the weeks of provocation. I want really sure I beleived him orginally, I thought it might have been a bit of a cop out. But seeing him hyper ventilating in the car made me go back to school. Rightly the HOY said she was dealing with the other boy and with the whole class over a number of issues the other boy blamed DS for. Hiding pencil cases, staring people out, jumping on them. DS admitted some and rejected others. Bottom line HOY will go into coping strategies tomorrow during all day internal suspension.

DS v chastened, me I am horrified about what he wrote!!! I asked him, if someone said those things about me how would it make him feel? I actually think thats what made him cry. The worst thing is he says he gets the sentences, rather than swear words from songs!!! We dont even have MTV. I also made him write an apology to the teacher. So I hope thats enough, I just dont want it to be on his record for ever. I suppose the note which is now stuck to a peice of paper with all the HOY notes will stay in his file all through school. This distresses me, as we were looking for him to come back to the UK in September. If any school reads this they wont even think of taking him. Sigh......

Thanks everyone for all your support, she made me feel like he was the only bad child ever in the histroy of mankind......

OP posts:
Blandmum · 29/01/2008 15:42

I'm glad that you have got it sorted. I think that a days internal exclusion is a fair 'tariff' for this. I'm also glad that the HOY is dealing with the other boy.

Your ds will not be the first, and he will not be the last kid to drop himself in the poo like this.

I wouldn't worry too much about it being on his record. It really isn't going to dog his footsteps for the rest of his school career. I know things about wonderful sixth formers, about to go to first rate universities that would make your hair curl! Cocking up is one of the things that teenagers 'do'.

He's learned from it, just all move on I think.

Starmummy · 29/01/2008 15:58

Thanks MB, you are always the voice of reason. I whole heartedly endorse the punishment (IMHO I would have been stricter but I want to be in keeping with what the school sees as appropriate). I just get in such a tizz, trying to be reasonable, not over react, get a grip etc and MN always comes up trumps with a sensible and/or make you feel good response.

Glad to know they wont be bringing this up in years to come. Bet you have a good laugh though when those 6th formers get all high and mighty. lol

Thanks again

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