Independent school for soft dd that needs pushing to get good grades

[burgundywine]

I had originally hope my dd would be off to an academic selective school but now I'm worried a. She won't make it in as she's not putting enough work in and b. If that's even the right environment for someone that is lazy doesn't want to put the work in as much as could generate the better results.

Ideally I'd like single sex but open to mixed schools. Can be boarding/day. Dd is very soft and kind but also competitive, is good at sports at her prep but not always making the top spot every time. She's academic & cat scores mean she could consider the selective schools and I'd really like to see her go on to get top grades as I think she could but I'm worried about which school because when she is pushed to pass exams currently we have lots of tears and anxiety, the results do come & she scores well but I'm a little concerned about how we go about balancing this more.

With all the mh problems in schools and girls nowadays, I would like to avoid where possible,getting dd in a school where she ends up feeling too much pressure. But at the same no pressure with dd we don't get the results so she does need a lot of encouragement to do well already! Sigh.

Was also going to suggest. Caterham or Beechwood

Perhaps Sevenoaks though I know some dont like it we have had 2 set of friend very happy with it.

‘Soft’ and ‘lazy’ seem like such harsh descriptions of a DD. I have 3 DD and they are all very different. I would never use the word soft. Sensitive perhaps? Or lazy - perhaps ‘more reluctant worker’ would be a kinder way to describe a 10 year old.
I would take the pressure off and let them explore who they are and what they enjoy. If you put pressure on a child that isn’t academically inspired
you are only building up problems for the future. I was your DD, externally pressured at home and at a very top boarding school and lo and behold all the usual problems followed - body dysmoprhia, eating disorders, drugs (readily
available at my school due to the particularly rich clientele) and heavy drinking.
now I have unravelled all my issues I take a very different tack with my own daughters - they are a little older than yours and absolutely flourishing with none of my issues and getting great grades because they want to not because school / parents are demanding that of them.

OP, how bright is your daughter? How does she sit within the cohort at her current school. You say she's competitive and often some kids will only push themselves based on their peer group.

Is your concern she won't do any prep for the 11+ or is it that she won't thrive in an academic school?

Parent tutoring can often be fraught so before you make any decisions it might be worth getting a trial with a professional tutor and see how your daughter responds to it and what they think might be possible regarding target schools.

Best of luck!

@Burpeea I actually meant soft in a good way not in a negative way. I like her softness. I am far more aggressive and it's come as a surprise. I'll agree I should not say lazy but it is in my mind. I don't tell my dd that out loud but I do think it!

I went to a state grammar school. Plenty of eating disorders, drinking and drugs there. I think this can happen at many schools unfortunately and I don't believe it's all pushy parents fault, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your school years.

@LondonMum81 CAT scores 128-131 not top but not bottom and I think mean she stands a chance of applying to most schools. I have heard these could be improved with practise but again not too sure.

@LondonMum81 to answer your other questions, my concern is both. That we have to work to pass 11+ and she won't put the effort in but also, if she doesn't like working any extra outside of school does this mean she won't cope in a selective school even if she gets in. I always worked very hard so I don't really know what I'm doing.
I think an external tutor might benefit both of us.

Often children you think are lazy have underlying issues e.g. weak concentration and attention, weak memory, slow speed of processing etc
Are these possibly issues? If they are, ask her school SENCO to do some assessments to see if she’d benefit from an exam access arrangement in entrance exams e.g. time or rest breaks.

She's extremely bright though as you say she'll still need to apply herself. Sometimes being that bright means you aren't used to having to try academically which can become problematic as the work gets harder. Lots of gifted children can be quite lazy!

Before you make any decisions, I'd get a tutor and see how she responds. I definitely wouldn't rule out academic schools given how bright she is. Maybe just one with more of a reputation for pastoral care.

My friend has a bright and 'lazy' boy. Reasonably high CAT scores similar to your DD's. She managed to get him into a highly selective London day school by the skin of his teeth, taking the view that it would motivate him to be in a high-performing cohort. It had the opposite effect. His 'laziness' was in effect a lack of confidence ie. he would rather not try and fail than try and still fail. In that cohort, even if he had worked his socks off, he would still have been fairly mediocre, so he just didn't work. Spectacularly underperformed at A Level, did a second-rate university course and has now dropped out. Friend says she so wishes she had sent him to a smaller, lower ranking school with more nurture for confidence and where he could have found the confidence to put his all into it. Not saying this is your daughter but be careful what you wish for.

I agree with @Lunificent that it might also be worth considering whether she might have slow processing or dyslexia. My daughter was only diagnosed with it in Year 12 after years of me thinking that she was a reluctant student. She qualified for 25% extra time in her A level exams in the summer and banked three A*s in science subjects (ie subjects with less reading of source materials and essay writing). I feel incredibly guilty for assuming that she was just less diligent than her siblings and wish that I had thought of the possibility of this far, far earlier (there is diagnosed slow processing and dyslexia on both sides of our family).

My two best friends have girls at RMS (and ones who have just left). They are both very happy with it, not overly pushy but still produces good results (the two who have just left have gone to their first-choice RG universities). Decent sport and music too.

Aldenham as another suggestion. My experience of Aldenham is a little further away in time, but always had good experiences there.

Royal Masonic is lovely. Often described as not overly academic, but an A is an A whether you were pushed into it or nurtured to it. So happy I'm sending my DD there.

@burgundywine where did you end up applying for in the end? There are some lovey schools around that are both nurturing and academically selective.

Sutton Valence and Bethany.

If you have any decent state schools near you (or in an area that you'd be happy to move to), why not just stick with those and spend some money on some tutoring for any subjects where you think she needs help or could be doing better (just general extension and practice, rather than exam prep)? It may be that she's just not the right type for a highly selective private school, and I don't personally think I'd waste the money on a non selective private school where you're probably just paying for nice facilities etc.

IME those who have to be pushed struggle academically later on when there is no one watching over them to push...I saw this a LOT on my law degree.

My daughter's at Nottingham Girls High School: academically selective but incredible environment and pastoral support.