Independent school for soft dd that needs pushing to get good grades

[burgundywine]

I had originally hope my dd would be off to an academic selective school but now I'm worried a. She won't make it in as she's not putting enough work in and b. If that's even the right environment for someone that is lazy doesn't want to put the work in as much as could generate the better results.

Ideally I'd like single sex but open to mixed schools. Can be boarding/day. Dd is very soft and kind but also competitive, is good at sports at her prep but not always making the top spot every time. She's academic & cat scores mean she could consider the selective schools and I'd really like to see her go on to get top grades as I think she could but I'm worried about which school because when she is pushed to pass exams currently we have lots of tears and anxiety, the results do come & she scores well but I'm a little concerned about how we go about balancing this more.

With all the mh problems in schools and girls nowadays, I would like to avoid where possible,getting dd in a school where she ends up feeling too much pressure. But at the same no pressure with dd we don't get the results so she does need a lot of encouragement to do well already! Sigh.

St Swithuns, Winchester. DD was a weekly boarder there and loved it. It's quite a big school though.

13+ entry is much kinder as it examines a range of subjects in a less formulaic way, and in reality the actual selection takes place ahead of the entrance exam - it’s very rare for a child to ‘fail’ common entrance. In London, 11+ is arbitrary and brutal for both sexes.
As a big generalisation, single-sex girls’ schools tend to be the worst for exam-factory pressure, in some cases imposing crazy workloads on girls who are extremely bright and in theory shouldn’t need to work themselves to death for GCSE.
Have you considered boarding?

My DD is similar and my conclusion is she will
do better in an academic school, NOT because they will push her but because the general expected standard will be higher and she is someone who will work if it’s normal around her iyswim!

Sutton High might well be a good fit and possibly reachable from where you are now (bit far for us sadly). It definitely places a lot of emphasis on pastoral and girls being happy, but gets decent grades too.

What year is your DD in though? as if she’s y6 Sutton has already passed its cut off for applications for 2023 y7 entry. That one is unusually early but a lot of the registration dates are coming up soon. Not to panic you…

Personally I wouldn’t look too far from where you are now, firstly as it would be two big changes at once for your DD, and secondly in case the school doesn’t work out, you don’t want to have moved for it in that case.

Other schools to look at in the SE which might fit the bill

• Ardingly
• Emanuel
• St Dunstans
• Tormead

you may know this already but most 13+ spaces are allocated at 11 these days anyway, so I wouldn’t leave it till y8 as it will really narrow your options.

I wouldn't say Headington is pushy. It's hardly top of league tables and takes a wide range of girls. It is selective so clearly all be different to a non-selective but I think it might fit perfectly. Oxford high and SHSK take all the pushy parents kids anyway!

Royal Masonic School in Rickmansworth. Fabulous school and grounds. Went there many moons ago but know it is such a lovely warm place. Plus, great location.

Local comp and let her be herself?

That clearly isn't going to happen....

Does your daughter get a say or is it what you want?

@LadyHester that's what I'm worried about. So far we've had no tutors for 11+ and dd is in year 5. I don't want to go crazy on the 11+ pressure but even I'm starting to feel pressure as some of her friends have come back after a whole summer of tutoring and clearly benefitted from it.
Yes boarding schools are on my radar. And I think the 13+ perhaps if it's a bit 'nicer' might be worth waiting for then,

@plinkypots I've heard similar about headington I think I will have to see it.

@minipie that's what I'm trying to (and possibly fail to) articulate. I think dd needs a good cohort to allow her to bring her own attributes out. She is bright and I don't want to waste that but I also don't want her getting too stressed out to achieve grades. She is in year 5. I still have time to sort it all out. Although apparently some schools have an earlier pretest as well for 13+ so I'm not sure about how that works yet and will be working that out too this term,

Of course dd gets to choose which school. I'm trying to narrow down which schools we see together, I believe it's my job to ensure I choose a selection of schools for her to choose from.

She'd probably choose the one with a pony or something else equally ridiculous if left to choose from any old school!

I am a bit confused by you saying when she is pushed to pass exams currently we have lots of tears and anxiety - if you haven’t been tutoring, what exams has she been pushed to do?

I don’t think any school tests or pre tests before y6, whether for 11+ or 13+, so you have time.

Re tutoring - I think there is a big difference between tutoring to try to raise the child’s general standard of work, and tutoring to practice exam technique and get familiar with the types of tests the various schools put forward. The former is IMO a hiding to nothing as risks the child ending up in a school beyond their natural ability which isn’t going to make anyone happy. The latter however is quite sensible if your prep is not going to be doing practice papers. Not yet though - you’ve got time.

@minipie I have been pushing her myself. So tutoring but me and probably rather ineffectively. I haven't hired any tutors yet.

Ah - well with my DD that would be guaranteed to lead to tears so I perhaps wouldn’t read too much into that!!

Poor kid. Back off and let her be 10 years old. She shouldn't be under pressure at ten. She may thrive in other areas, rather than academically.

You do sound a little like a mum at our school. Also Y5 and she describes her as “lazy”. She does two hours 11+ with her every evening after school as well as music practice. The poor child is exhausted.

Her daughter is very bright. I would be amazed if she didn’t get into some of the very top academic schools. Yet, with her natural talent and extreme tutoring at home, she is still described as lazy. It’s like whatever she does it won’t be enough. That’s not a message a 9/10 year old should be getting.

Foster her passions and give her a love for learning. Let her feel in control. Take her to see the schools. There’s nothing more motivating than finding “the one”. Then she will fly.

She's 10. How about letting her be 10? If my kids was in tears of anxiety at that age over testing then I'd be seriously questioning myself.

@burgundywine The Wychwood in Oxford sounds perfect. They do day and boarding. It's small and gentle, but great teachers and excellent pastoral, and I get the impression they're investing more in sport this year.

Honestly though, tutoring her yourself will ALWAYS end up with tears, which might be causing you to misunderstand her slightly. If you do want her tutored for entrance exams, get a person who isn't you to come to your home. Someone funny and kind. I bet there won't be any tears then!

We were certainly not doing 2 hours a night. I wouldn't be able to maintain that! We have stopped me 'helping' because I am not going to let my dc be in tears and it was pointless anyway,

I didn't come on here to be admonished, I am trying to do well for my dd and that is the purpose of my OP.

Thank you @astoundedgoat I think I should probably try this first and see how she gets on as I was quite bad at it.

@burgundywine I am AWFUL at it, and it often ends in tears. Lockdown teaching was tricky, to say the least! Equally, I remember being in floods of tears whenever my Dad tried to tutor me in maths. I think it's a rare parent who can do it herself.

St Mary's in Cambridge?

My son is at a highly selective 13+ entry boarding school after being basically written off by a London prep. He blossomed the moment he was moved from 11+ to Common Entrance preparation. His London mates were heavily tutored; he did literally no extra preparation. I’d strongly suggest you have a look at Co-Ed schools, including boarding, with a strong 13+ entry stream.

Poor kid. Back off and let her be 10 years old. She shouldn't be under pressure at ten. She may thrive in other areas, rather than academically.

This. Prioritise her mental health. The pressure causing lots of tears and anxiety is ridiculous, and unnecessary.

Why on Earth to people feel the need to derail someone else's thread with unwanted parenting advice? She looking for school ideas...not your opinion on her parenting based off of a few sentences! I wish they'd delete the obvious thread derail comments. It's puts off legit posters from posting.

I am not sure I understand why some are saying 'poor kid'. OP clearly is wanting what's best for her DD and is seeking opinions to strike a good balance. There are a good number of able kids who only respond to high expectations from outside the home. Kids that will sulk and even cry if a parent asks them to pick up a book with but gladly do extra prep at school because, well, that's what is expected.

I don't have any suggestions but OP visit some of the schools suggested and see how you feel. I know DCs who have moved to 13+ boarding school (where parents can interfere or influence the academics easily) and the DCs have flourished academically. London prep school are notorious.

If she is as “soft” as you suggest is Boarding school a good idea?

Caterham has a great reputation for wellbeing, is in South-east and gets great results.

Beechwood in Tunbridge Wells is tiny but fabulous reputation for pastoral care.

Also look at Lingfield College and maybe Sutton Valance?