6 year old ds school anxiety

[Rd213]

Hi I’m hoping someone might be able to help
or have experienced similar. My son is 6 and in year 2 at school. He has always found saying goodbye when going into school hard but on the whole coped really well in year 1. Since returning to school after the summer holidays however he has developed extreme anxiety around school and it seems to be getting worse. Just getting him dressed and to school is tricky. On his first day back he had to be peeled off me and then once taken to his classroom he ran back across the playground and out of the gates to find me. He continued after this to struggle to go in so now the school have asked me to drop him off at the office every day. He’s had 2 days since the start of term where he has gone in ok, the rest of the time he is peeled off me literally kicking and screaming, in that moment it’s like he can’t control his behaviour and will do anything to try and get away and back to me.

this evening he seems so distressed that even in his sleep he is sobbing and shouting out about not wanting to go to school
tomorrow. It feels against all by instincts to send him tomorrow but I know he needs to go..

For context he has a good group of friends, plays for a football team that he enjoys. He is naturally more shy but has been to friends houses for tea ect in the past without a problem. The school have been very supportive, and the head teacher in particular is bending over backwards to try and help to settle him in the mornings, but I sense his class teacher is getting fed up of it now. She said to me today that his learning is near on non existent this year where he is so emotional..

If anyone has any recommendations I would really appreciate it, I have contacted my Gp for advice but they have said he is too young to help..

What is the reason? Is it school? Or is it you?

if school is a safe place then that is a good start

if the issue is he wants to be with you at all times then I think you need to look back and pinpoint what has happened to trigger his behaviour - as in why is he so concerned about not being with you?

I don’t really have any advice as such but just wanted to say you’re not alone. My ds started to do this around year 1 and it continued into year 3. He would fight like we were sending him to war, not the lovely school he was at and where he had a lot of friends and loved the teachers. Some days I left him being restrained in the office. It went against all my (quite soft) parental instincts. At the same time he developed a lot of health issues - stomach problems, headaches, sickness, that did seem genuine but maybe were psychosomatic. Who knows. He also began to have sensory issues with socks and clothes and shoes. Year 2 went the same way too, sometimes he was okay for a few weeks but then he would refuse to go again and sometimes would have to be restrained in the office. At the end of term of year 2 I just gave up taking him in and it felt much better but it was the last week of term so I figured he wouldn’t miss much. Year 3 started off pretty much the same. I think we had a few weeks here and there but generally it was pretty awful. I started reluctantly thinking we might have to consider home schooling or sending him somewhere else but he hated the latter idea too. Then lockdown happened and we were plunged into being at home anyway. As with attending school he was hysterical about actually doing any home learning so we did nothing. He was as happy as anything.

Why I can’t help with advice is I don’t know what changed. During lockdown his dad and I separated and we all moved to a different town, albeit in 2 separate houses, and a new school for year 4. I couldn’t believe it when he went in okay and continued to go in.

it’s not all been smooth sailing. He still gets headaches and stomach aches and does not have a good attended record. BUT the anxiety about going in has gone and he loves school once again. When ever I manage to drop him off at school I am so bloody grateful.

there is a Facebook group for school refusers that I found helpful.

fingers crossed it gets better for you soon too

I was originally coming on to post that my DS was the same when younger - he had to be pulled off me each day for pre school, most of reception, nearly all of year 1 and the first term of year 2 and year 3.

I used to find it very distressing (although stayed very positive in front of DS) and, at pre school age, used to get back to the car and quite often have a little cry.

One day my mum picked him up from pre school and told his key worker how upset it was making me. The next day she came and got me from the car, snuck me back into an office with a window through to the main area to show me the minute I left DS was perfectly happy. It was the same at school - he had friends and he does well academically.

DS is now 12 and still claims to hate school. I think some children just don't like it and whilst there's things you can do to try and make it easier (and it sounds like you're doing all you can) you can't change that sometimes.

Having said all that, if your DS is now so distressed he is sobbing in the evenings etc have you considered taking him to the GP to see if you can get a referral to counselling? It might help get to the bottom of what is causing the distress quicker than you trying to figure it out alone.

He's 6 years old and wants his mum.

Bloody hell, is that so odd?

If you've never had a sensitive, high needs child you will not understand. It's nothing the parent has done wrong ffs.

Stick it out or homeschool is your options. Either way, your son will be fine.

Do you think your son is ASD?
a lot of children with ASD / pda struggle with school massively …..

Google / look into it if your child is similar then you can get the help your son might need.

Thankyou for your replies, it is reassuring to hear that others have had similar issues and got through it. I don’t think there is an underlying problem other than that he can be very sensitive and all he says is that he just doesn’t want to leave me. He enjoys being with his friends and got on ok at school last year so I’m not going to consider home education at this point

i think similar to what others have replied it is like sending him to war he’s in fight or flight mode which is upsetting to see him behave in a way he wouldn’t normally. It’s effecting him after school too as he’s just so emotional and unregulated from the stress of being at school all day. I just hope this will all calm down soon

Ilovechoc12 I did look up PDA last night and work in early years myself so am very familiar with the traits ect of autism but I just don’t so. I have also asked the school if they think there is an underlying condition that causes this anxiety but they don’t think so either

Both mine at different stages were like this, for similar reasons and different things worked

DD was early - hated the lack of structure, noise and chaos of the early years. They worked with her with a visual timetable so she knew what she had to get through to get home and a sticker reward chart. She was happier as a timetable was implemented but hated if they went out of it which they did. Loves High School now because the timetable is clear any changes communicated in advance

DS came later similar age. Struggled with the start of more routine. But hated going to the classroom in chaos with everyone hanging bags up. Was fine when it was free flowing reception but the fact there was chaos and structure through him
he spent a whole year going through the school office early so he could be sat as his seat before anyone arrived
he is still slightly it now likes have a strict routine. Year 3 we got there 10 mins early so he could be first in
Year 4 was fine his class had its own door so just before it opened wokred
Year 5 (now) we time it so the doors have just being opened so the early people dash through and then he can enter

all the time avoiding the utter mayhem of the start of the day

PDA kids are very different to ASD kids - completely look you in the eye, act NT but riddled with anxiety…. But if he refused to do things that’s one of the classic symptoms. Like No I’m not going out, no I’m not doing school work

I wouldn’t trust school - they can’t diagnose - they are teachers - you need a specialist as kids mask so much… if you think any Sen.

First of all , this sounds really stressful.

The second thing to say is: you will not irreparably damage your child if you don't work out exactly what to do instantly. So give yourself a chance to calm down.

Can you give him more control? I had to get my child to do some unpleasant medical things when young and I explained why they needed to do it and then waited for them to choose to consent. It was really hard waiting as inside I wanted to force them but I knew if I forced them the first time I would never be able to get them to even go back to the hospital the next time.

This is so very difficult because six is quite young but also because he is six this is a genuine emotional response, he is not just pissing about because he wants to stay on his console or something.

Sometimes when we feel we 'have to' do something we become resistant in a way we wouldn't if we felt we had more power. Being six is a scary time, they are just starting to realise all the things that could possibly go wrong and also become more aware of things like death.

Do you have time pressure about getting in in the morning? What do you say to him when he says he doesn't want to go to school? I think I would try to slow it all down as going in a total state doesn't seem to be helping him.

Updates ? How is your child now? What helped. X

I’m going trough same thing with my 5 years old. Can you please give an update about your son? What did it help? Thank you