School anxiety help please!

[cheeseandpeanutbutter]

DD is a wreck at the moment and I can't get her to school. She's struggled with secondary school since she started (2020) and with the whole COVID issues that went along with it.
It's got to Year 9 and we currently can't get her to go to school. She's missed chunks of education and despite being capable has now been put in low sets.

She has a couple of friends but because they have other friends she struggles to approach them.

Has anyone had issues with their DC with school anxiety?

I'd actually love to hear if you came out the other end.

We aren't in a position to homeschool and frankly it won't solve her problems with making friends or overcoming the anxiety.

We're looking at referrals to Cahns as well as looking at other schools.

I'm finding hard too. It's so incredibly worrying and stressful. Seeing her upset makes me upset too.

We had this exactly with our dd. In the middle of year 9 things got worse and she started self harming so we looked at alternative schools for her - ones that nurture the whole child. We found one in Devon (private unfortunately) and moved across the country for years 10 and 11. She blossomed and had the only two years of high school that she enjoyed. We shouod have done it sooner. We now strongly suspect that she has "high functioning" autism although this was not picked up by CAMHS who were useless. We took her to a private psychiatrist who recommended taking her away from that school and trying "alternative" education. Sadly, these are all private. In my experience, as a secondary teacher and a parent, the vast majority of children who suffer with school related anxiety are, in fact, autistic - usually undiagnosed. As a teacher I used to see lots of pupils who struggled at school and in all honesty, it didn't help them socially to be flung into a class of 30 kids and a school of 1000+ pupils - where the culture is very much survival of the fittest. Schools are brutal places for sensitive children. I really think that taking them out of the environment is better for their long term mental health. Ideally finding a different type of school but not everyone can afford to do this, I know. I would have home schooled, had we not found a suitable school. It's not ideal but it's better than being forced to go through the school system. If your dd hasn't settled by now then it's unlikely that she will. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but I wish I'd known back then what I know now.

What area of the country are you in, OP?

I'm in the UK.

Thanks so much for this. So much of it rings true. DD is very like me and I still have ptsd from my own secondary school experience (DD has no idea of this as I want this to be about her experience not mine).

She's incredibly sensitive. Almost went elective mute when our DS was born... at least in public, aged 2.

Just a creative, funny and very witty soul at home. Quite fierce too.

I could have written this about my daughter. Same age, same issues but currently being assessed for autism. We've done a reduced timetable to get her back into school and encouraged her to join drama and open evening stuff. She did her first full day yesterday so it's baby steps.

We had similar with dd after the COVID lockdowns. She started self harming and couldn't/wouldn't go to school. We got her a therapist (private, weekly, £40 a session) and the self harming stopped almost immediately. The school anxiety took longer. We worked with school, did a reduced timetable etc. Her attendance was about 60% in the summer term. Continued with the therapist. School made some changes including changing her English group, I think they were too "lively" for her. She's gone back this term (now y11) on a full timetable and touch wood she seems to be coping so far. The school liaison told me that some children do have a period of this and it's about supporting them through it. I didn't really believe her but I'm cautiously optimistic.

Just to flag, there are two helpful threads running at the mo about secondary school anxiety/panic. I've responded to both so won't repost again here, but there has been loads of good advice from a range of experiences:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/4636105-severe-panic-in-12-year-old-boy?page=1

www.mumsnet.com/talk/secondary/4637762-11-year-old-ds-severe-separation-anxiety-and-secondary-school-struggles-suggestions-for-alternative-london-schools?reply=120151806

Do you think she is ASD? That creates anxiety . Do she say “no” a lot or create excuses? (Could be pda that’s all anxiety based).

cahms a lot of rubbish - you will be waiting yrs

can she state what is wrong with school?
does she need an ehcp? You can apply even if your child is super bright if they need extra help that’s ok.

Unfortunately you will end up paying if you want something quickly as wait times are yrs
do you think it’s the correct school?

The environment of the school needs to be right - if that’s wrong or no adjustments it just won’t work ….. that’s a decision for yourself or does she need a smaller school

You are right not to deregister, parents often find it easier to get support when a pupil is on a school’s roll even if they can’t attend.

If DD can’t attend school the LA have a duty to provide alternative arrangements. This should begin once it becomes clear DD will miss 15 days, the days don’t need to be consecutive or have already been missed.

You should also apply for an EHCNA. IPSEA and SOSSEN have lots of helpful information on their websites, including model letters. The benefit of an EHCNA is it can include assessments such as from a psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist, SALT, OT without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

Are school currently providing any support?

Another one suggesting you consider autism.

Also, make an appointment with the senco and head together - in person with yourself. No emails. Without both those people in the school and support it won’t work …..

adjustments can be made - if they are willing to help your daughter - you will decide based on that whether it’s the right school

Have a read of this and see if your local authority has something similar.

ABSA document

Also this ABSA Flowchart

Thank you so much. All this information is very helpful.

My dd became mute at school in year 6 of primary. Her teachers didn't even notice. It's only because I was working at the school that I noticed and observed her carefully. So many things slip through the net at school as the teachers don't have the time or training to deal with problems. As a teacher I am horrified by what I have seen. I just don't think state mainstream schools are good places for SEN children at the moment. I am not quite sure what the answer is though from the parents' perspective?

I found this checklist really good for autism in girls. My dd didn't tick many of the boxes in the usual checklist but ticks nearly all of these.

linksharing.samsungcloud.com/jFnbq8BeVM23

I'm not sure if you can access the link but if not it's a checklist more by Staffordshire County Council and it's specifically for girls if you'd like to Google it.