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Original poster

I am so upset about dd at school yet I cannot seem to get through to her teacher without her thinking I'm being too direct or difficult and confrontational....Please help me sort this out

60 replies

foxinsocks · 24/01/2008 11:28

I am sitting here at work and AM BUSY but can't get this out of my mind.

Poor dd.

The last years, yr1 and 2, she had an OK time at school. SHe loves reading and is v good at spelling, is a head in the clouds type child and has problems with her writing. Her last 2 teachers really brought her on and she was v near the top in spelling and v proud of this fact (the only thing at school she was proud of - she doesn't much care for the rest!).

This year, yr3, she has a v difficult teacher who has a reputation for being v hard on the younger, immature ones (dd is August) and for heaping praise and rewards on the elders (so 1 or 2 children come in early to put chairs out and it's always been the same 5 or 6 older children etc.). Dd has been in tears many times because of her, has been denied a pen because her writing is too poor and gets kept in at break times to finish her work.

Now, she was streamed into spelling group 3 out of 5 (after the teacher told us she would be in no.2). I queried this at parents evening and was told it was just a standardised streaming and she would be moved if it was incorrect. She hardly ever gets one wrong. In the big test 2 weeks ago which she forgot to tell us about (and didn't practise for), she got every single one right. SHe told us she was going to be moved up and was REALLY pleased (and we were proud) as this is the ONLY thing that is going her way.

Except she hasn't been moved up :-(. SHe went in yesterday and she's in the same group and the nanny said she fought back the tears the whole way home. She didn't get on with this teacher anyway, now she doesn't want to go to school at all and tbh, I can't blame her.

I can't post much today because I must get on but part of me is thinking WHY ffs am I getting upset, it's JUST spelling, let her get on with it and the other half is thinking that this is the straw that has broken the camel's back, she now hates doing any work because this teacher has so disincentivised her and NOW, the one thing she was enjoying doing well at, they seem to be ignoring and this has been going on now for a term and a half. She also tells dd she is near to getting a writing pen and then never gives it to her.

The teacher doesn't get dd and she doesn't 'get' dh and I. We are not pushy types at all - I'd quite happily never go into that school but we both feel she is being hard done by and she seems to be ignoring any request we make to her about dd and her progress (other than sending home endless 'extra' worksheets which she seems to think will miraculously improve her writing). Now I hate doing down teachers but I really am lost as to where to go next without making a huge kerfuffle.

OP posts:

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:16

btw your dds teacher sounds like a complete bitch and I would have no compunction whatsoever about taking her on head to head

kindersurprise · 24/01/2008 12:17

Oh, your poor DD.

I do think that you should have another word with the teacher before going to the head. Otherwise you are putting DD's teacher in the defensive and there is a good chance that she will react badly to that, from the sounds of her.

Write down the most important issues.
Your DD selfconfidence.
Her need to feel GOOD at spelling (understandable as she is bloody good) and be rewarded by being put in the appropriate group.
The pen. I think that the teacher has to set a definate goal, then she gets to write with a pen. No wishywashy, "when you are better..." but rather, "When DD has 4 gold stars for neat writing then she is allowed to write wiht a pen.

Boco · 24/01/2008 12:18

Gosh Enid. I bet a little bit of wee comes out when she sees you coming.

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:19

good.

PrincessPeahead · 24/01/2008 12:21

Whoop whoop! Go Enid! Hurrah!

Teachers have to be accountable, just like every other professional. If they aren't doing their job properly (like this woman clearly isn't) then they should be brought up short, made to discuss it, and told to improve or there will be repercussions.

And it is only the parents who will do it in a case like this I'm afraid.

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:27

I particularly remember one part where they were being very crisp about dd1s rubbish drawing of people's faces. 'Have you actually shown her how to draw faces?' 'erm I'm not sure' 'HAVE YOU ACTUALLY SHOWN HER or not?' 'No' 'Well then I dont see that as a problem. If you take the time to show her properly I am sure she will respond to you' [icy]

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 12:31

I'm not sure she actually has to threaten this teacher with repercussions does she?

But I do think you need to make a fuss, be firm and clear, and a little bit icy like Enid if she makes silly remarks about the tests - but basically go in and stick up for DD. That's what is required.

Boco · 24/01/2008 12:33

Am swooning at that iciness. I wish I could do icy! I'm going to practice. It's such a fine line between icy and arsey that i worry about just being an arse.

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 12:34

I can do both.

Sometimes I am an icy arse.

Where has Foxy gone?

Boco · 24/01/2008 12:36

Thanks to you she's probably singing and weaving her way between desks, waving her cocktail at her puzzled colleagues.

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:36

i am BRILLIANT at icy

unfortunately I sometimes do it by mistake in restaurants and shops and then staff hate me

Peachy · 24/01/2008 12:37

Icy good

Sadly ica nt do icy, only sarky which is not good

(eg today - we need 2 adults to change ds3's nappy in case he comes home and says we abused him' me: 'although as you may have noticed, he can't talk'- cue immediate evils from assembled staff!)

Ooops

Starngely however I dont feel guilty!.

teachers can make you feel these things are about you and they're not, they're about your DD. keep that to the front of your mind and it will get you through.

Boco · 24/01/2008 12:40

Ah, i just went on holiday with a friend like that Enid, and felt the need to overcompensate for her iciness towards all the waiters, so was far too nice.

They must've thought we were nuts - her saying 'bill, now please' (icy), me going 'if it's not too much trouble, thanks so much, love your work, great! Wonderful service! (insane grin)

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:41

my dh does that

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 12:42

Dh has a colleague who is incredibly rude to waiters. I hate that. I glare at him and over compensate too - I practically hump them.

Hump! isn't that a great word. I've not used it in years. It must be the puppy that has brought it back.

mistlethrush · 24/01/2008 12:45

Boco - clearly you're not at good as spelling as FOxy's dd - there is quite a big difference between icy and arsey - they actually only have one letter in common

More seriously, Foxy - you need to be strong and stand up for your dd otherwise she could have her confidence severely dented and this could last a long time. Go and see the teacher - if she is reasonable, give her a timescale and make an appointment to follow up - 4 weeks sounds rather a long time for your dd to wait though, 2 or 3 perhaps better. If she isn't reasonable, go and see the Head asap. It't not good teaching to be so negative, particularly at this age.

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:47

oh I'm not rude

yse agree with thrush's timescale

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 12:48

[talks to self] Actually now I think about it, like with Foxy's teacher - I do icy charm, with warm smile and steely eyes.

I might do this a lot actually.

Foxy. Come back.

Boco · 24/01/2008 12:49

As long as it's only dry humping 100, i think that's totally reasonable.

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 12:49

Do you do the warm smile / steely eyes thing too?

Did you get that dress btw Enid? Did dd wear it?

TheHonEnid · 24/01/2008 12:55

no it was too big, she wore a black turtleneck and a rather nice silvery grey gathered skirt with black print - very 'beat'

Original poster

foxinsocks · 24/01/2008 12:58

oh thank you everyone . I am now no longer crying as I had to pretend I had a sneezing fit to disguise tears so everyone crowded round my desk with tissues and I've just had to spend 15 minutes trying to explain away my unseasonal hayfever grrrr.

Yes, I think it's because dd CAN be quite spiky and difficult - she also puts on a brave front. So she tells me she is upset and I tell the teacher and the teacher seems bemused because dd doesn't APPEAR unhappy at school iyswim.

I am strong with the teacher but I think I am fed up of her and she is fed up of me and we don't seem to be getting anywhere (and I must admit, she inspires me to be confrontational). Have spoken to dh - we don't get a weekday together so I will go in tomorrow and he will follow up on Monday if I feel things haven't been resolved (sigh).

The school are lovely, most of her other teachers are lovely - I don't want her to move class because of her friends. I just want this teacher to cut her some slack and HELP her.

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 13:01

Excellent. Then tell her exactly that, and then do the warm smile, steely smile thing.

Stick up for her.

lol @ rushing colleagues with tissues, they are a caring lot at least.

Good luck today.

ahundredtimes · 24/01/2008 13:02

And good luck for tomorrow too

hunkermunker · 24/01/2008 13:02

Foxy, I do hope all this icy arsey humping of waiters is helping - it's making me laugh and laugh.

I agree with PPH and Enid. I hope your DD is happier at school soon. I will lend my line-'em-up-and-shoot-'em wall for useless HVs to you for teachers who undermine self-confidence in this way if that helps at all?

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