Thinking of homeschooling my dc for myself and them

[poppyrouge]

My 9 yo keeps saying they don't want to go back to school. School has been a complete struggle the whole way through primary school.

Tomorrow they go back to school. Today we've had full on bouts of anxiety related toilet trips and fear of school. I've tried very hard to dress it up as ooo it will be so much fun the first day back see all your friends.
But their body is saying all I need to know. I feel like emailing the school and saying we're home schooling.

We've practically done that anyway as dc gets so anxious at school I go through their books each evening to go over what they've missed because they get upset when they don't understand what the teachers say etc even though there's no reason they shouldn't. They are ahead in most subjects now. They are saying they want to stay and learn at home. I don't know they say the same thing every term.

They have friends and afaik don't have any Sen. It's making me so sad sending them in knowing they don't want to go. I just want to do the best for them.
I'm thinking of possibly homeschooling until senior school but worried I'll make things worse if they come out of the 'system' and have to go back in.
They seem immature and not ready for school. Not sure if it's my fault. Academically they are fine but emotionally they are finding school hard and want to stay with me. I never thought I'd be considering this but now I am wondering if it's for the best. Anyone out there can shed any thoughts on this?
I'm just feeling too cowardly to actually send them email to school I think.

I home educate DS who is currently studying for his GCSEs. He left at 7yrs old due to horrific abuse. We have truthfully never looked back.

Have you actually been in and discussed this in depth with the school? I’m amazed they haven’t been more supportive if you have!

It does sound like on one hand you're rushing to home ed because you'd enjoy it. Yet on the other hand have left her for many terms unhappy at school without speaking to school or getting further help?

I really think you need to talk through with school, but also consider a more supportive state school. It sounds like all the extra tuition is adding to the anxiety and it seems a shame to Rob her of the chance to experience school in a class going along at a pace she can keep up with. A good state school will do this.

I really wouldn't pay for somewhere you don't feel able to approach when a child is unhappy, and also wouldn't pay for a school a child wasn't happy in anyway!

My ds2 struggled with anxiety all through primary. He's much happier at secondary and has also been diagnosed with autism.

I'm not saying your dd is autistic but it is one of many things you might like to consider. My ds had few of the early signs - other than anxiety of course - and was similarly unable to explain what the problem was (though tbf he did work it out himself at 13 and a subsequent diagnosis proved him right).

Home schooling now may be the perfect answer for your dd but do try and get to the bottom of the anxiety cause that doesn't tend just to disappear.

I’d try acknowledging how she feels and talking to her about it, rather than doing ‘ooh it’s fun’. It’s clearly not fun for her so that’ll make her feel dismissed and that she can’t talk to you.

Start with that, and then she what actions you might take to make it better - a change of class, a change of school??

Home schooling is hard, and it needs some though on how you will actually manage and how you will keep her social. Plan it, don’t jump at it.

One thing you said leapt out for me: “They do get overly anxious if they aren't doing 'the best' and study a lot.”

When they were working with you at home, there was no competition. When they are in school, you do extra work with them outside lessons not only to help them stay on track, but to get ahead.

Could I very gently invite you to think about what they might have drawn from these things? When it’s just you at home, they don’t have to be any less than ‘the best’ because there’s no one to compare themselves with. When you do all this extra stuff, you may be giving them the impression that unless they are ahead of everyone else, and ‘the best’, they are somehow not good enough.

Ambition and striving for excellence are all very well, but to prepare for the adult world, children need to learn to accept that they won’t always be top dog in everything. Do they, deep down, get the message that they are a failure if they aren’t top of the class? Do they think you won’t love them if they aren’t ‘the best’?

I’m sure that this isn’t something you might do deliberately, but kids can read that message in things parents say and do. I’d work hard at getting to the bottom of the problem before you make a decision to home school, because that would just postpone the time when they might have to settle for being second best, of just moderately successful, or even, perhaps, not awfully good at something.