Thinking of homeschooling my dc for myself and them

[poppyrouge]

My 9 yo keeps saying they don't want to go back to school. School has been a complete struggle the whole way through primary school.

Tomorrow they go back to school. Today we've had full on bouts of anxiety related toilet trips and fear of school. I've tried very hard to dress it up as ooo it will be so much fun the first day back see all your friends.
But their body is saying all I need to know. I feel like emailing the school and saying we're home schooling.

We've practically done that anyway as dc gets so anxious at school I go through their books each evening to go over what they've missed because they get upset when they don't understand what the teachers say etc even though there's no reason they shouldn't. They are ahead in most subjects now. They are saying they want to stay and learn at home. I don't know they say the same thing every term.

They have friends and afaik don't have any Sen. It's making me so sad sending them in knowing they don't want to go. I just want to do the best for them.
I'm thinking of possibly homeschooling until senior school but worried I'll make things worse if they come out of the 'system' and have to go back in.
They seem immature and not ready for school. Not sure if it's my fault. Academically they are fine but emotionally they are finding school hard and want to stay with me. I never thought I'd be considering this but now I am wondering if it's for the best. Anyone out there can shed any thoughts on this?
I'm just feeling too cowardly to actually send them email to school I think.

Hi @popoppyrouge. I didn't want to read and run as I've been in a similar position to you and its so hard trying to make the right choice. My DD is 8 and a half and similar to your son struggled all throughout school. It came to a head last year when she was just miserable. Her moods were terrible, she was emotional and she started spending more time out of the classroom (she was taking herself to the toilet and just sitting in there). We deregistered her and have officially home educated for 6 months now and it is the BEST thing we have done. She is happy, calmer and thriving with the 1 to 1 I can give her. She recently had a dyslexia diagnosis which we had to go private for but it's given me so much insight into why she struggled so much at school. Whatever decision you make, I'm sure it'll be the right one. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions xx

I can't really give any advice on homeschooling, but I would say if she's telling you she's anxious and doesn't want to go then denying or minimising her feelings with 'ooh it will be so much fun' is probably not helping. You need to let her know her feelings are completely valid and that anxiety is a horrible emotion to feel, but it's ok and lots of people feel it. Empathise with her. Ask what you can do to help (and maybe that is homeschooling?!), maybe do some research with her into techniques to manage anxiety etc. I would approach the anxiety element of it regardless of whether you decide to homeschool or not.

The problem with anxiety is that if you let it win it gets stronger. If it drives her out of school it may well drive her out of friendship groups/activities etc.

The school enviroment does not suit everyone and thats ok. My eldest sailed through school no problem but youngest really struggled with secondary school and l deregistered him age 13. l felt alot of negativity from others in doing so, but he has made fantastic progress in all areas of his life since. Look at deschooling on youtube and videos of how other parents home educate, its really interesting, its nothing like the HS during covid.

I can empathise as we have been in the exact same situation. What is it that they don't like about school? Is it something/someone in particular? If so is there anything that can be done about that.

If homeschooling is an option for you then certainly worth considering but have you tried/thought about either counselling (we did cbt with our son) or indeed changing schools?

As mentioned we did the cbt course which helped hugely but my son was anxious in other situations not just school. We also ended up changing his school for a different reason. We had considered changing school previously but really thought it was just that he didn't like school or being away from us rather than just that school if that makes sense?

Anyway, he changed school during lockdown (so started virtually 🙈). He skipped in on his first day and has literally never said that he doesn't want to go to school!

This was a boy that cried most days going into school. Had panic attacks and threatened to self harm.

He is totally transformed and like his new headteacher says, every kid at primary especially should skip in and skip out of school. I genuinely know how heartbreaking it is to see them so upset and just wanting to do anything to help.

We did this with 2 of our dc and for similar reasons - ASD and other medical issues and one dc had severe gastrointestinal problems so we immediately de registered it’s been life changing we are all so much happier

I think that if school isn't really working for them, and they let you help at home, then give home ed a go if you want to.
There is a home ed board on mn, plus there are bound to be local groups.

I'd recommend the book helping your child with fears and worries.

I think it is fine to home school but you need to look into what this would entail. There is a difference between teaching them yourself and going over work taught and set by someone else. I would also be asking myself why my kids have so much difficulty separating from me. Are you finding it difficult to let them go? What do you do while they are at school? Are they picking up the feeling that you think school is hard or not suitable for them?

Thanks for all the replies. I feel reassured I'm not alone at least.
I didn't realise trying to be upbeat about the situation may actually minimise their feelings so I'll take that on board.

I have been teaching my dc at home using the primary syllabus printed off a home Ed website and we have worked through English and maths through to year 6 stuff now even though they are going into year 5. They are naturally bright and I'm worried this plays a part in not liking school.
I can't get to the bottom of what they don't like, they definitely have friends but they always get tummy ache before school and today has been constant toilet trips with anxiety about going. They keep saying they want to learn from home as well.

I am more than happy for them to go to a school setting in fact that's what's making me drag my feet about it all. That I feel like a dc should be in school especially an only dc but at the same time my dc has said the same thing for years and I'm now thinking maybe it's time I did something about it.

I'm quite sure people I know will judge us negatively if we homeschool and I am worried about losing dc friends over it but I want to do the right thing by my dc whatever that is.

I'm very sure I will be ok to home Ed. Me and dh (he wfh) are highly educated (both masters) plus foreign languages and are very patient as only have one dc. We could also bring in tutors if necessary. I usually print the years syllabus off at the beginning of each year to make sure dc has covered everything on it by the end of each year anyway and already subscribe to a few educational sites so am used to doing things at home.
It's good to hear some positive stories about withdrawing.
Did anyone reenter the school system later on? I think socially secondary school may prove more difficult to avoid for an only dc and I would at least like to attempt a return then if we did withdraw now.

You say that they don’t understand what the teacher is saying, even though there’s no reason why they shouldn’t. I wouldn’t discount a “hidden” learning disability, particularly in a very bright child.

My DC had really bad school anxiety, kept saying they couldn’t hear properly yet would ace a hearing test. Turns out they have Auditory Processing Disorder which makes hearing in loud situations extremely hard. The diagnosis has led to adjustments in the classroom and the way of teaching and they are like a changed child.

In the short term I would do what’s best for your son and if that’s HE then do it, but I would try to get to the root cause of why school is causing him such huge anxiety.

I am very pro homeschool but I wouldn't leap to do that exclusively yet.

What form has all your extra tutoring taken so far. If you're already tutoring on top of school could that be causing unease ?

Also I would look at whether there's any disgnosis/reason. Have you been working with school so far? Do they know your concerns? Some talks with the senco could help a lot and they can refer on which will be helpful .

Finally I'm not sure of the ins and outs but when a school placement breaks down there's some responsibility for the LA to provide some tuition or alternative placement. People cleverer than me will know about this - but I am in local SEN Facebook groups where this is often discussed. Does your child have an EHCP?

I think it is worth exploring these things as you may find another setting gives your child freedom or that there is support you can access.

I am sure they would be happier staying at home - in the short term! You need to find out why they dislike school so much and work - with the school on that, it may take a while but will be worth it! Just saying it will be fun isn’t the approach. It’s lovely that you are close but separation anxiety isn’t lively. I also wouldn’t discuss the ‘do you want to be home Ed’ with them, that choice is too much of a burden for them and they are too young to understand the implications beyond it meaning they can avoid school for now. I have taught lots of children who have been homeschooled and returned to school for secondary- imo it has almost without exception caused problems for them later, especially socially. It’s a tough world out there and running away doesn’t help them learn how to exist in a world with all sorts of different people. Sorry if that isn’t what you want to hear.

I did home ed after withdrawing from Primary for similar reasons. Both of mine re-entered the state system at 13 yo rather than 11 and were keen to go back by that age. The social side is a big issue and you would need to ensure that you find a local home ed group to join to ensure that your DC is not isolated from their peers.

If you might want to re-enter mainstream, it would be worth getting to the bottom of the school issue. Is there a sensitivity to noise for example that impacts their learning that you don't notice at home?

I think what would be important is continuing to do outside hobbies with standardly educated kids. So sports, cubs, drama whatever.

You could tell your DC you are going to try it until Christmas and then review? Then say do until end Primary? Apply for secondary and decide later what to do on that?

Is there a reason you print off the syllabus at the beginning of each year? Are you putting pressure on him?

Do you do other things that aren’t educational? Does he belong to clubs like scouts etc? Does he meet up with friends outside of school?

I was wondering that. What form has all this extra tuition taken? And yes do they do other non school things - cubs is great!

@Fieldfly I have met a lot of children who were home ed for a few years (both through friends and through teaching) and have not encountered the issues you mention.

I do however think socialisation is very important but it doesn't need to be in a school environment. Make sure they have lots of hobbies - dancing, sports, music, brownies etc so they mix with other children outside school.

I have found in my area that it is fairly common for children to take a year or two out between the ages of 11 (end of state primary) and grammar or private senior school (starting at 13). These children tend to be tutored for scholarship exams so are often the high achievers. They re-enter education having forged ahead of their peers as a result of the one-to-one education received at home. Most of them go on to do very well at school and are not at all disadvantaged by their years of home ed.

Anxiety to the extent you are posting about is a type of SEN. I am another one that also thinks you should investigate other potential hidden needs that are driving or exacerbating the anxiety.

Personally, I wouldn’t deregister. Parents often find it easier (easier, not easy) to get support when their child is on a school’s roll even if they aren’t attending. Crudely, you are someone’s ‘problem’, whereas if you EHE the LA will say they are relieved of their duties and it is much easier for professionals to sweep DC’s needs under the carpet.

What support have school been providing?

If DC cannot attend school full time, including because of their mental health, the LA have a statutory duty to provide a suitable, full time education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996.

As well as the above you should apply for an EHCP. There’s lots of helpful information on this on IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites, including a model letter you can use to apply for an EHCNA.

Thanks. I hadn't thought of anxiety as being a sen but it's getting to that point.
The school sends a list of what they will be doing the following year so we go over it to make sure they can't fall behind when they get upset at school. They sometimes come home saying the teachers go too fast for them. But the teachers are all happy and saying they're doing well and have set advanced work for dc. Maybe that could take a step back I suppose.

We also do some work on Saturdays and they are happy and prefer this when I go over things. They get anxious about falling behind at school as well. I was planning to do the 11+ preparation now they're in year 5 as well but now I'm thinking this might be a disaster on top of everything else.
They are in two clubs outside of school and also have clubs at school.

This morning they didn't eat their breakfast. They did smile when they saw their friends out the car window though so that was reassuring. I'm going to see how today went it's not a state school so I don't think it's going to be that helpful about sen. Probably the opposite!

Does he seem to take longer than average to get his work done, noting your comment that teachers can go too fast for him?

Is it quite an academic school, do you think he might be better off in a less competitive school rather than home schooling?

You could get school to check for slow processing speed

You are doing a lot of extra tuition and that could be making him anxious thinking you will be checking it when he gets home. I am a Primary Teacher and my dc went to a different school. I had no idea what they were learning unless thy asked me for help with homework or to revise for a test. Could you stop all that for the moment and see if there is any improvement in the anxiety. What has the Teacher said about how he is in school. I would, for this term focus on fun things..don't talk too much about school when he gets home, definitely no Saturday school and just ease up completely and see how he goes.

At the moment then:

• You are paying money for a school your DC is anxious about attending
• The DC feel the teacher goes too fast for them
• You feel a need to teach the whole curriculum at home in case they get behind

I think rather than home ed I'd give notice and move to the state system. Unfortunately though you might be committed to fees until Easter now as you normally have to give a whole term's notice.

My highly anxious, smart does great at school, lots of friends DC turned out to be Autistic.

Part of the anxiety was because she felt different from everyone else and didn't understand why. I'm not sure it would have occurred to me she was Autistic if her siblings hadn't been diagnosed first and much younger. The anxiety has been hard for all of us. She did have some good success with a CBT anxiety group, unfortunately we had a lockdown just after that and lost all the progress she made.

Home schooling isn't an option, trying to get school work done during the various lock downs and trying to get homework done causes crippling anxiety and meltdowns. Dad's teaches understand we can't do homework.

There are parents I know who have home schooled for a few years in primary and come back into school for secondary and found it worked well for their children. It's very individual, some kids those few years are what they need, others stay homeschooled the whole time. There seem to be good homeschooling networks, mostly through FB here. Homeschooling parents get their kids together to socialise or have educational outings. Some it's very much following the curriculum, other's are more unschooling which is quite a different philosophy. It could be what your child needs, but I'd certainly do some research first before you commit.

I work with families who homeschool and also with children who aren't attending formal school for whatever reason. Here is my take on it:
You really need to get to the bottom of why they don't want to go to school. Is it the smell of the building? Or there's someone at school who makes them feel uncomfortable (a parent or a student or a teacher)? Or they're not being given enough help in class if they're struggling? You need to find out and pinpoint EXACTLY what it is and where the issue lies.
Homeschooling isn't something to go into lightly - it's incredibly expensive and hard going (even with the easiest of children) and takes a lot of organisation to do it well, and that's without mentioning the anxiety that comes from parents who aren't sure if they're teaching the right stuff etc. It can of course be magical and fantastic and work brilliantly, but I'm yet to meet an adult who was homeschooled who said it was the best thing for them - every single one has wished their parents had kept them in some kind of school. The majority struggle socially, and for many this can lead to isolation and difficulties in the workplace etc.
It's just something to consider - when it's your kid you can be tempting to react immediately but this is something which needs an awful lot of care and attention giving to it

@TeenDivided yes that does sum up where we're at! As we didn't hand the notice in yesterday it takes us to Easter.
I would still pull them out and pay the fees though if necessary (with great sadness at the loss of £££ though!!)

I am wondering if there are sen. They do get overly anxious if they aren't doing 'the best' and study a lot. Have been known to get up alone and work through text books before school without anyone asking them to.

I actually did a brilliant job homeschooling (well I loved it and dc didn't fall behind anyway) and dc was very happy we were hoping it would drag out longer in the end. All of us were happier homeschooling and getting on with it. I think this made the whole situation around not liking the school worse actually. But it was still structured by school though. We do have money for tutors if I couldn't manage well enough but I do think I can.
I'll get dh to ask dc of us doing at work at home is too much and if they want to stop, so far they usually ask when we'll be doing the work together though. But that could be because it's a routine now.

I would probably only take them out until the end of primary school. Then try them again either at 11 or 13. Or see how they get on and if they want to go back to school they can. I am confident I could teach but not confident I could do all subjects to gcse like science with the use of a lab etc., the social side I'd assume I'd have to join clubs with other dc at home in the mean time.

I will try to get to the bottom of why they're saying they don't like school as well. This isn't something we're taking lightly it's been years of term after term of sad don't want to go to school and every year we convince ourselves it's just this or that and they'll be fine. It's only now they're in year 5 I feel if I do it now I can perhaps give them a break and try again in secondary school. Or even go back to the same school after a break depending on what they say is wrong.

Counting down the hours until I find out how today went.