Shock at Parent Consultation Meeting

[Nutjob]

I have just attended my ds's first parent consultation meeting and I am in complete shock. I expected to be the usual, yes he is fitting in, getting on OK etc. But his teacher launched straight in to saying that they are a bit concerned about him as he gets very distressed if he can't do something, and needs constant coaxing to try new things, he just says he can't all the time. She then went on to say he was clumsy and his co-ordination was poor and that she thinks he should be referred to the school SENCO. I was just speechless, he never encountered any problems at playschool and all his reports were positive. Has anyone else experienced this, and is it as bleak as it sounds? Please help, I am in tears!!!

Hi Nutjob - I have no experience with what you are going through but the fact that you are worried must mean that you are doing your very best for him. Don't cry - perhaps you could pour out a nice glass of chilled wine and take a deep breath. By then perhaps somebody has some more helpful advise than mine! Good luck.

Nutjob - my sympathies! I think first parent consultations should come with a health warning. I was distraught for weeks after my ds1's first report and meeting after nursery. It never occurred to me they would do anything more than say some nice things!

It may just be that he hasn't settled down very well yet, and isn't letting his true colours shine. It may be that he has got some difficulties in some areas. A bit of support now at this early stage could make all the difference.

OK - referral to SENCO is not a major big deal. This just means he will be on the school's own register of special educational needs, I'm not sure of levels at other schools, but they schools I know of have 20 - 30% of children on these registers. It means he will have an Individual Action Plan, personal targets to meet, and so on. If he makes good progress they will take him off SENCO. He should get special help and attention in the areas he needs it. My ds1 got referred to SENCO because he lost his temper (big time) three times in the first 3 weeks of school. His target was to not have any outbursts for a month, and he was thrilled to bits this week to get his certificate in praise assembly to say he had reached his target. This sort of thing can make a huge difference to children at this age.

Anyway, I've gone on a bit. But basically don't worry - it isn't as bleak as it sounds. Make an appointment to see his teacher again, as she obviously didn't explain very well. Or arrange to see the SENCo, who will be a very experienced person who can put things in perspective for you too.

Nutjob, you could find out that there is absolutly (sp?!) nothing wrong... it is just the opinion of one teacher who hasn't raised this until now... as you know neither you nor anyone at playschool has raised this before. Sometimes the "experts" get carried away. Relax and hopefully all will be well. Best wishes.

How old is your son?

It is important that schools pick any problems up as early as possible. Clumsiness and poor co-ordination are one of the indicators of a whole range of disorders, and nurseries and teachers need to draw your attention to these. If this is not something you have noticed at home, or in his playschool, then it's probably just a settling in thing. Anyway, it shouldn't be causing you such big concern. My ds1 is clumsy and poorly co-ordinated, but it hasn't caused him any 'learning difficulties: he's one of the highest achievers in his year in literacy and numeracy, despite being one of the youngest ... but he is hopeless at football!

Thanks for all your messages of support, I think I just need to get this into perspective. KMG - my ds just turned 5. What was really strange was that his teacher said that in his baseline test he came out as 'average plus' or 'the top end of average', so how come now their worried?

Also, she kept asking if he got tense and stressed at home - he doesn't - which made me feel as if she felt whatever is wrong with him is MY doing. You're right, I should probably organise a meeting with the SENCO now and she if she can explain things a bit more clearly.

KMG - You said that clummsiness and poor co-ordination can be an indicator of lots of things, could you tell me what? Thanks. By the way CP, that glass of wine sounds like a good idea!!

Nutjob, I'm not sure if this is helpful, maybe not, but...IMO just 5 is very young to be completely controlled about not being able to do things. At 36 I still get very cross if I can't do something first time! Ditto poor concentration. However, I don't know your child and therefore can't possibly know whether this is normal for him or whether the teacher's concern is warranted. I certainly feel we should listen to teachers, I don't want to seem as if I don't, but I also think that kids are sometimes labelled very early these days. I agree that you could have a word with the SENCO co-ordinator and go prepared to ask all the questions you need answered. Also agree that you should have a glass of wine

Oooh and I don't think 5 yos should be baseline tested or any other kind of tested but that is another thread! Good luck.

I agree with www about 5 year olds and tests, but seeing the senco could be a good thing, because if he does have a problem with his coordination that hasn't been noticed before they will point you in the right direction for help and support. My daughter was thought to be dyspraxic at one point as her coordination was not very good, she was pretty clumsy, but that was just the way she was, and has improved. Incidentally while they were deciding that she wasn't dyspraxic they discovered she hada high iq, so maybe clever children are just naturally clumsy! Good luck and try not to worry.

Hi Nutjob,

Is your child in kidergarten? This can be a whole new world from being in playschool. Maybe he needs some time to adjust to real school (if that is what he is attending). Hope things start looking up.

Threeangels - Yes he has just started 'real' school in September, and his first consultation was today straight after half-term. He has never been great with change (me neither) and I suggested to his teacher that maybe he was just taking a little longer than the other kids to re-adjust. She didn't seem convinced though. But I know my child, he is a sensitive soul, and this could possibly be the problem.

Obviously I am not going to ignore this though and be on overprotective mother, if he has a problem I want to help him get over it, it's just I am in shock over the way the news was delivered with no prior warnings what so ever.

Seeing the SENCO doen't mean that your son must have a learning problem. It is probably a good idea that they are checking things out. Some children who are regestered as having special need will be above average, but may need help in specific areas to 'help them along'. This might be the case with your son, or it might be just a bit of over reaction. The key thing is to find out if he needs any help, and how it will be implimented. And it might just be a short term thing. Please try to see this as something potentially positive, and try not to worry, it could be nothing. But I realise that is easier to say than to do.

Nutjob, I would say that if your ds is tense and stressed at school, but not at home that it's not YOU who is doing something wrong, but the school. Or perhaps that particular teacher. We had troubles with my stepson a few years ago and got a similar type of consultation to yours except it was at the end of the year. He had a new teacher the next year whom he adored and everything calmed down.

Nutjob - hope you got a good night's sleep, and are not too worried, and are getting over the shock. I think you're right to try hard not to come across as a protective parent - it's a natural reaction, but sometimes you have to work to make sure you and the school staff are on the same side! I have a great relationship with my son's teacher, and other staff in the school, and know I can have an honest chat with them anytime.

Incidentally - I think it's good that they pick up on problems even when it is a bright child in question. All sorts of 'stuff' can start to affect their progress, if it stops them learning well in a class situation.

Nutjob completely sympathise with you, the first consultation can sometimes be a complete shock to some parents. I have had a similar problem with my eldest ds. I remember my first consultation and it was completely negative I cried all the way home and couldn't sleep properly for days afterwards. I did suspect that there was a problem before he started school as did his previous nursery. To cut a long story short he has a statement of special needs and gets 1:1 help for a few hours a day. From my experience I don't think that a teacher would suggest SENCO without seeking advice from the school SENCO coordinator and the head teacher beforehand. Also if there were any problems at playscool this would have been picked upon before he started school. I know a few parents that have had their children see the school SENCO and there was no cause for concern. If you have'nt already I'd get your ds eyes and ears tested as this is one of the questions they will probably ask you. Also a number of boys are clumsy at that age and he could just be over tired and adjusting to a new environment. I hope you feel better today and I'm thinking of you. Keep us posted on the outcome. Love glitterbabe.xx

Hi everyone thanks so much for all your support - I am sorry to say I didn't get much sleep last night and felt dreadful this morning, but as the day has worn on I have come to the conclusion that it is not the end of the world if he needs the help of the SENCO and probably the sooner he gets a bit of a leg-up the better in the long run. At the end of the day he's still my lovely, perfect ds and I wouldn't have him any other way.

By the way, I put a letter to his teacher in his book-bag this morning asking her to arrange a meeting with the SENCO, so I will let you know the outcome.

As a teacher I think if you are unsure what she was meaning then go back and ask her to explain further what the problems are. Some teachers quite like the idea of being 'the expert' and want to see a shocked and upset reaction. (I'm speaking from my own mums experience when I was at school and my teacher said I was backward and needed special help. My mum stayed perfectly clam and said OK what help is she going to be given and when will it start. The teacher couldn't answer so mum went to the head and she tested me and said I was above average!!!) Hence the reason I went into teaching, I hate pompous teachers.
Some difficulties can't be picked up in nursery because the kids are too young and the differences are not distinct enough so don't worry about why things were not picked up before. As others have said, don't worry until you are happy that you have all the facts concerning your ds.
Ask all the questions you want to as many people as you can.
Good luck.

Nutjob,

After all this good advice, there's not much I can add. Just one thing I'll repeat in case you don't realise this (you probably do) referrel to the school SENCO does not mean that your son is autumatically SEN statemented. He will probably be set small targets to meet at school - academic or behaviour related, depending on what his teacher says. The SENCO will ask for your agreement. His progress with then be monitored. As others have said, it is not an uncommon thing. Just make sure you ask lots of questions at that meeting to set your mind at rest.

I'm a bit late joining this thread, so probably cant add much more helpful advice than the others.
As a reception teacher, I have had 30% of my class on the SN list at one time, so its quite common. Most of those children will be on stage 1 - it means the teacher has a mild concern that she felt needed to be mentioned to the parents. Small targets will be set for each child. In your case examples maybe joining the swimming or football club to help coordination, or a star chart if ds manages to try something new by himself. If after a few weeks, progress is made, ds will be removed from the SN register.
The jump from nursery to school can seem a big one when you are 5 and ds is probably a bit anxious about getting everything right.
I wish you luck for the meeting and dont forget that you and the teachers are all on the same side - just trying to do the best for ds. They are there to help you too, so make sure you ask all the questions that are bothering you.

Hi again - Just thought I would update you on what's happening with ds. I went for a meeting with the SENCO this morning. After having a chat with his teacher and now with me , she is under the opinion that his problems are probably due to 'settling in'. He is going to be monitored from now until the next parents evening in February, and positive efforts are going to be made (both at school and at home) to improve his self-confidence.

I have to say though that ds went to a private playschool rather than the one attached to the school and when he started in September most of the other kids knew each other already, so it is not surprising he is taking a bit longer to find his feet. What do you think?

Hi Nutjob - sounds like a positive meeting - did you get on well with the SENCo? Hope things do continue to improve for ds.

My ds1 (5) had major problems at the start of term, but it was mostly just settling-in stuff, and he's heaps better now. We'd moved house, so he didn't know the other children, and had never been to school before (they had). So it's not really surprising it took a while.

Hi KMG - Yes, the SENCo (who also happens to be the Deputy Head-Mistress - busy woman) was very nice, and seemed to keep things in perspective a bit more than ds's teacher. So I came away feeling positive - rather than in tears!!

One other thing I forgot to say was that my dh and I were quite angry with the teacher, as she said that it was probably best to do something to help ds now, as when he got older all the other children would tease him for being slow. For a start, surely the school would try and stop such behaviour, and secondly, my ds has always been a popular boy and doesn't find it hard making friends. I thought her comment was quite insensitive.