Anyone else not decided on schools?

[NoDecisionMaker]

Name change due to the shame.

My 4 year old starts school in September. We have accepted a place at a private school and at a state school.

I realised we couldn’t really afford the private option (we can pay the bill, but not sure it’s worth working ourselves silly just to be able to). So we got excited about the state school choice, which is a terrific school close by.

Grandparents have now offered to chip in to help out - very kind - but to be honest I’m happy with the state one now. Besides, he’ll know a couple of kids going.

DH has his heart set on the private option. I’m very happy with the state. Both are terrific schools.

Mostly I am feeling utterly devastated that we haven’t chosen one or the other. I feel awful for my son. Less than 4 weeks to go and he doesn’t know where he’s going.

Is anyone else yet to decided? I feel so shitty.

Guessing this is very much a PFB drama, and also that we’re lucky to have either as an option.

It's worth remembering that if youdon't give notice to the private school by the first day of term you will be paying for the Spring term fees as well as the upcoming Autumn term. I would carefully read the paperwork from both schools to focus your mind. Also note the differing term dates, the October half terms will be different lengths, have you got childcare in place if it's a 2 weeks break in the private school.

Thanks @hockeygrass. We will give notice to one or the other before the first day (hopefully by the end of this week), but if we don’t go with the private one now we have already lost the deposit which is a full term’s fees. I am not too choked about that because we always knew that was a risk. Sunk costs, etc etc.

Bizarrely both have a two week break for the October half term so that’s the same in either situation also. I’m also currently on maternity leave so would be looking after him myself during that break before going back to work in November.

Go for the state option and consider private again when your dc is 7. If you are going back to work you will appreciate the lack of financial commitment.

I actually can't believe that you're ok with throwing away a whole term's fees at the private school, regardless of whether you can afford it or not. And all because you couldn't make your minds up before the start of the summer term in order not to lose it? Jesus. What a waste of money.

We’re not ‘okay’ with throwing away a whole term’s fees. I said it was a sunken cost fallacy to pursue that option for the sake of a term’s fees, despite it costing 8 more.

The reason we didn’t know before the summer term is because we got our 4th choice school on allocation day, and didn’t know that we had this new state school until the second week of July. So we could never have called it before then, but really should have decided by now.

If the state option is very popular you may have more chance of moving to private if it doesn’t work out than the other way round. Personally I wouldn’t spend money on private primary school if you have a good state option. Use the money for future fees if you go private at secondary, or for university.

You really do need to make a decision as it isn’t fair on your DC not to know. And it isn’t fair on whatever child could be getting the place you’re going to give up. There’ll be someone behind you on the waiting list for the primary who’d jump at the chance I’m sure. I’m not trying to guilt you by saying that, but maybe thinking of that would focus your mind a bit?

If you have another child will you be able to afford both sets of private fees. Remember fees go up the older they are (although there is probably sibling discount)

Also probably worth considering rising fees generally. I imagine private schools are going to also be hit by rising prices so next year might be more expensive again. Then there’s any additional costs of trips/clubs/uniform/etc that you might need to factor in

@ColdHappyBap not guilting me at all - I genuinely appreciate the feedback and perspective. I feel like we both need a slap round the face to be honest with you.

It seems like disagreeing with a spouse isn’t terribly common and that’s worrying, too! All the examples I’ve found are around divorced parents not able to agree on a school!

I would def say that even if grandparents are happy to chip in, you may want to consider rising costs, and the fact that you will prob them feel obliged to educate the baby you are on maternity with privately too.
This is super costly
If your dh and the gps are happy with this then go with the private one, if you like it. As they will make friends wherever they go

I think both parents need to agree to go private. If one parent disagrees it has to be private. It’s too substantial of a financial commitment for both parties not to be on board. If your partner could easily fund it out of his income alone with no impact on the family’s quality of life then maybe but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case so go state.

Are you sure you won’t lose your deposit and have to pay the autumn term fees?

DS is at private primary school. The costs go up each year, plus extracurriculars plus the general expectation/keeping up stuff.

can you genuinely afford it for two kids? If you have a decent state option I’d really give it a go first. Why is DH so set on private?

My dd is about to go to private school for secondary. She had an amazing state primary and loved every minute of it. She aced the entry tests for yr 7 at the selective private school. If there is a great state primary near you I would send your ds to that and used the money saved to take family holidays/days out/experiences to give them a well rounded childhood before considering private for secondary.

@beckypv OP knows they will have to pay Autumn fees which equate to the deposit (although I would be checking that as I am sure our deposit was separate to fees, so if we had given notice late we would have hsd to pay fees on top)

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments - I’ve genuinely appreciated every one. We have made a decision to go with the local state primary and I am in tears with relief! Thanks to all of you for taking the time. X

@NoDecisionMaker
Well done on making a choice! I am a bit late to the thread, but just wanted to say not unusual AT ALL to argue with a spouse about education - its a very important aspect of family life. My DH and I have argued at various points about what we should / shouldn't do. We have always in the end, at all key points (Reception, Year 7, Year 10, Sixth Form), decided to go with our local states which are a mix of good and outstanding, with the proviso if they don't work out, then swerve as necessary. We have three children and I am delighted to say swerving has not yet been necessary! But we still know it might be a need at any moment. I have to say in an embarrassingly middle class way, that not paying fees has meant that we can enhance their education and general lives in what I think is more beneficial way (one on one tutoring when needed, great sport clubs, music tuition, latin tutor at home for the one who was interested, endless amazon book orders arriving, ski holidays, lots and lots of travel which has taught them amazing geography, good quality meals at home rather than baked beans which would have been the school fees option for us....you get the drift.) They all have brilliant friends, on their doorstep which is utterly priceless (I have been running a whole gaggle of them around the last few days having endless fun swimming in local rivers and hanging out, it is so lovely to be around them.) Some of their local friends swerved at various points to grammars, privates etc...BUT they all come back together in the holidays, and I can safely say are all turning out the same young people.
If you can, try and relax and enjoy and not worry too much (easier said than done I know, but I can promise you paying doesn't get rid of any of the issues with teen children anguish with mental health issues, friendship, drink, drugs, exam worries etc. They all face the same trials.)

OP one more thought re spouse discussions / arguments - I know several families for whom paying fees caused huge issues down the line which lead to a Dad with depression due to the ongoing stress and a family split up. It is a massive commitment, once you are in you generally need to stay in, and unless you are very top earners or have very significant Grandparent support it can have a real impact on stress levels. My parents split up due to my Dad living abroad - he took a top job in another country to pay fees. I would have rather him be around TBH, even though that might seem ungrateful, the sacrifice was too enormous and the gain really not at all significant. So many of my privately educated friends have very normal lives with very normal jobs and don't privately educate their own children. It brings no guarantees that it can be reciprocated.

Glad you have mad a decision, I think it is right. Fees go up faster than inflation.