Regrets? Private vs state

[themonkeysarewatching]

DD currently in year 5 in good local state primary. She's been very happy there and it's been a good choice. We're now currently considering secondary school options. State options are quite limited as religious schools and an academy chain which we're not keen on dominate and only leave one viable option. This school has a good reputation but it's the other side of town and difficult to get to. We do have the option of sending DD to a private girls' school fairly locally, if we tighten our belts a bit. DD is bright, sociable and fairly independent and I think would thrive in most circumstances so we're erring on the state option, but she does like a challenge and we're just wondering whether private would offer her more of that.

Has anyone had regrets about sending their DC private when state probably would have been just as good (if not better) particularly when the financial sacrifices are factored in? Or vice versa?

I can't answer your question, but just wondering whether you have visited the schools you are not keen on as sometimes reputations are different from reality?

I've got one who's taking A levels now and one who will do GCSEs in 2023.
If someone had said to me "You can put one child in private for either primary or secondary, but not both and neither will ever be resentful that they didn't go" I'd have picked primary for eldest. I think she'd have suited a small, nurturing, friendly place. She had some meaness from cool kids throughout primary. More confident dd2 has been fine throughout and both have been fine at the local comp. Neither have experienced meaness there. Both have had a decent education throughout and are fulfilling their potential. The primary is actually more well regarded and popular than the secondary.
Obviously the imaginary private school offer would never happen. 😀 Just my ponderings. Must depend on the particular child and state school though.

@teencat

Visited both, like both. Both have pluses and minuses. It's a difficult one really. The big minus for the state is its difficult location and the big minus for the private is that, well, we have to pay for it! However lots of children travel to the state school from this area so I doubt she'd have to do it on her own all the time.

Interesting. Yes I guess it depends on individual child's circumstances too.

What would be your opinion on sending one dc private and one state? My youngest is v different to my eldest and the might be better in private

We went Private and no regrets, the State option looked awful and from knowing parents with dc there it is. DD got a part scholarship which made it an even easier decision but if we hadn’t been able to send DS too we might not have sent her and she would have gone to The Grammar.
I don’t like single sex schools though so in your shoes that may have swayed my decision

I meant visit the academy chain schools.

i wouldn't personally aim for one state and one private, it could lead to a lot of resentment.

I don’t understand the ‘one type of school for all’ sentiment.
If you had two (hypothetical) kids who enjoy football - one likes to kick a ball about locally with their friends and one who is selected to play with a competitive club which requires parental investment in terms of driving them there, buying kit etc.
Would you make both kids play football at the same location/club because one might resent the other later?
Surely, you let the kid who likes to play football locally do that, and support the kid who is selected to play at the more parental investment, if you can. If the first kid later finds their passion in a different direction, you rethink parental investment allocation….? Or does neither kid get any parental investment just in case of future resentment?

If one child is taking up 99% of a parents time and effort taking them to elite training, that could definitely lead to resentment by other children.

Similarly if one child gets £50k or £80k or whatever spent on their education which otherwise might have been spent on holidays abroad and other generally enriching opportunities, the children who get neither the private education nor the holidays could be resentful. If money is no object then it isn't an issue, but if they have to 'tighten their belts' there is potential for resentment.

We looked at both private and state options for dd. Could have comfortably afforded private but none of the schools were perfect and ultimately, I just didn't think the private fees were worth it - the advantages that they offered seemed superficial at best, and there were some things I liked much better about the state options.

DD is doing her A-levels now and looking at university applications. I have no regrets at all about our decision to send her through the state system. She has thrived both academically and socially.

I went to private secondary school (poor family but I got top marks in 11+ so got a funded place..... showing my age there!). I've also been a governor for a good state secondary and also had very close dealings with and experience of a very select (near top in the country) private boarding and day student secondary.
I would say without a shadow of a doubt that, if affordable, I would recommend going private. Speaking in general terms, which is all we can do here, the quality of education is better, generally better facilities are available, higher standards are generally expected and achieved, higher standards of behaviour are expected and achieved etc etc etc. If you can afford it, do it!
None of the above is to say that your kids won't turn out great and thrive from a state education. The opportunities and likelihood of higher achievement are just somewhat improved from that private education background. (My children went to state school as I couldn't afford the private schooling for them and they are both happy with good jobs and full, stable lives. State doesn't mean bad but generally private is better)

Are you likely to get a place at your preferred state school?

My sister and I were educated individually, one at private and one at state, but the child who went to state had a pony and all of the associated expenses. Critically, that was her choice.

I hate this state vs private discussion, as it implies that all state schools are the same and that all private schools are the same.

Ours went private at 11 because we were very unhappy with the state options. If we had had a good state option locally, we'd have gone for that. Equally, there were some local independent options that I wouldn't have touched with a barge pole.

Only you can decide what is best for your children and whether the cost of the private option is justified given the local alternative.

I think it depends a lot on the child, too. A bright, confident, self motivated child will probably do equally well wherever they go, whereas some kids will have a lot to gain from the higher teacher/student ratios and/or a slightly pushier environment. It's not really about state vs private at all, it's about finding the best fit for your child.

While I agree with this to a certain extent no child will do “equally well” at a really bad school as they would at a really good one, how could they?
I find that people who say this or who say that their child is doing as well at State as they would at Private generally have access to a State school that is half decent at least

Perhaps not at a really awful school, no, but at an average state school - yes, absolutely, I think they can. As long as they have good parental support - I think that makes a far bigger difference than the school.

I think it really depends on the child.
I did very well in local state schools but am very self driven and worked hard off my own back. Got myself into medical school with no help from school. My sister is brighter but lacks motivation without someone on her back. She coasted at my school then got in with a crowd who made the situation worse by encouraging not taking part in extracurricular, not doing homework etc. my parents moved her to a local independent and she really picked up and got reasonable grades in the end. This enabled her to do the uni course she wanted to do. I think my parents made the right decision for each of us.
My older son started at state but was unhappy and they couldn’t support his SEND - lack of resources which is understandable - we moved to private and he has done as well as I think he could be doing and the support, curriculum, range of activities is all miles better. So for his well-being it is worth paying.

Are you likely to get the state option the other side of town? If a bit dodgy I would apply there and the private to keep your options open.

I can only speak to the other way round. We have 3DC and have done state all the way, but always had the private option on standby if it went wrong.
We have been delighted. Yes there are bits and bobs that I would change along the way - it would make my life easier if there was a slightly longer day and more sport and music (not sure that these would be benefits for them per se, as they are very seldom tired as days not long, and they like the wide life experience and friendships that outside sports club/ music tuition give them.) As we inch closer to the eldest leaving secondary, I can see that fundamentally our friends' children are all turning out to be very similar wherever they went to school - local academy, out of county grammar and private day and boarding. They all seem to be doing well academically, have a wide range of interests and the usual mixed bag of friendship ups and downs. I suspect it has more to do with home life than the school. I honestly feel for us it would have been a waste of an awful lot of money (it would have been a lot for us, although do. able. I get that for some it isn't a struggle and then why wouldn't you if it made life easier?). Our state schools are decent but not world class, and the added benefit would not have been worth the price of the fees of local privates or boarding option. Our children have been happy, academically successful, play a high level of sport and they have lovely friends, I'm not really sure what else I could have hoped for.

We also have a lot of friends who have put their kids through a range of private schools - everything from the small local indie to top public schools. I completely agree that they have all been shaped far more by their family backgrounds than their schools, and there is nothing that I think dd has missed out on as a result of going through the state system. Tbh, had I felt that she was missing out, I'd have moved her.

@Anothernamechangeplease I think we are helped by knowing that both Dh and I were at boarding schools and have turned out distinctly average! It does make it easier to cut through the marketing hype when you know people, like us and lots of our friends, who had the best education available and have really rather average lives and salaries, and also in some cases were very unhappy at school. It shows you that fees are no guarantee of anything.

Yes I think this is the key. My dd would definitely get a place at the state school and whilst I would not always go just on the OFSTED, It is an outstanding school and does have a pretty good reputation in the local area. She has been to do a taster day at the private school and liked it, but still favours the state even though she hasn't visited it yet!

Yes I think this is what we are veering towards

Yes that's also part of the equation to. I went to what is now one of the GDST schools and, yes it was a few years ago now, but my education was distinctly below par compared to some of my friends who went state

I think this is a bit of a myth to be honest.

Yes, they do well as in, they pass and pass reasonably well. A bright child might get a handful of 5s and 6s and maybe a couple of 7s, but in a different environment could have come out with mostly 7s and 8s

And I am saying that as a state school teacher.

And to some degree, some children are better off going to state when they apply for universities as I've been told private school students are disadvantaged due to quotas to fill

Out of interest, what long term benefit have you personally experienced from going to private school that you think wouldn’t have materialized if you had gone to state school?

I ask, in part, because you say you can’t afford to send your own children to private school.