Changing School Dilemma

[ALW1981]

Keen to hear thoughts on changing schools in year 3. My DD (age 7) is currently in year 2 at a local independent prep school. She has lots of friends but doesn't seem to be thriving. She never talks about school, she says she's rubbish at maths and finds it boring, she says she's always being shouted at or has a huge fear of being shouted at for what seem like very trivial things (she's not btw - she just massively overthinks things and thinks everything is targeted at her), has a pure hatred of homework and feels under pressure to not make mistakes. She says she has to stop herself crying in class because she feels sad and asks how I can make school 'funner'. She is a creative child and I'm not convinced their curriculum has enough emphasis on arts etc. We are in an 11+ area and I think they have tailored the approach accordingly.

I have spoken to school twice now and am seeing what they do this time but they have a history of 'humouring' parents. She's had the same teacher two years and pretty much every parents thinks she's rubbish. I know several girls in the same class who's self esteem is rock bottom, especially in maths like my DD. But that may be fixed by a teacher change rather than issues with the school? So...

I need a plan B!

I've been round all the local prep schools and one stood out as having better pastoral support and just a much happier vibe but... Aren't they ultimately aiming for the same as her current school (ie a ademic success), even if they say otherwise? Plus she knows noone there and I'd hate to move her to see the same issues again because they don't 'get her'. I'm now wondering about the local village school which has 12 in a year and no more than 24 in the class. Less pressure, no homework and a best friend from nursery in the year above.

Has anyone made the move from private to state and for what reason? Was it a success? Or what people's experience of a child that's simply not thriving - not a school refuser but just unenthused by school. Did a move help or were they the same? I can't believe at 7 (and frankly since reception), a child can just hate school?!

I desperately don't want to make the wrong decision for her again! Thanks for getting this far!

Hi OP. We’ve moved our primary school aged DC 4 times! Move 1 - state to private. DC 1 was unhappy , moved to an amazing prep. Had to leave there for a job move and DC went to another prep which was was a disaster socially and academically, final move has been extremely successful and current school goes to 18, so hopefully no more moves.
if your child is unhappy I’d definitely say move them. I agonised taking our out of the disastrous school, hoping above all hopes that it would get better……with hindsight we should have moved after the first term.
in terms of private to state, we almost did it after the 3rd school because the school didn’t represent value for money in any way, but one child is musical and the other is sporty neither of which they’d get at the local primary. What we have def lost out in is local friends. There is a definite mummy clique in the village which I will never be part of because our DC aren’t at the village school. I’m friendly with a couple of the mums but we don’t get invited to most events because we aren’t part of the school group (I don’t mean school events, I mean dinners or bbqs etc in private homes). I’m a bit sad about that. Going to the local school has huge benefits in integrating in a community.
my summary is if they are unhappy, move them. And if it doesn’t work move them again…(assuming there are no additional needs). Hope that helps.

I haven't experienced prep schools and haven't moved my dc, but have a Dd the same age. They've been so impacted by covid. We've been so lucky to have a fabulous teacher this year, I think she's really turned things around for my Dd. Do you know what teacher you might get next year? In your shoes I would change schools now, unless there's a fab one coming up. With a village school that size you'll have combined years in a class. Just something to think about.

my main comment would be that the village school is extremely small.

My kids went ot a similar school. My dd thrived, 4 girls similar age, great friendship group. My ds sank. Not enough boys to be friends with, one pair of twins dominated everything and they were two years older.
Also 4 teachers in the school, 2 part time and a head who taught part time. One of the full time teachers it turns out was a crap teacher. In a school that size, that means you may have the crap teacher for several years running.
We moved house and therefore schools. I noticed that within 2 years other people had moved so my dds friendship group would have gone anyway.

Also in such a small school, almost no after school clubs, not enough kids to make up a football team (or any other sort of team) school trips hard to do because not enough kids to hire a coach etc etc.
And how ever nice the mums at the school gate are, everyone knows everyone else's business.

I initially loved the idea of the village school, but when we had to move, we deliberately went somewhere with a bigger school. Not even massive, just one full form in each year to ensure there were enough kids to be friends with

I agree with steppemum, that school is too small (for the reasons she listed!)
Especially when they get further up the school.

We moved DD from a very academic prep to a less academic, more nurturing all through school for year 3 as she wasn't happy or learning anything at her previous one and it was a good move. But, you never know.

I’d be tempted to move her to the primary. How many children are in her current class in the prep? If there are 24 children in the class, even over two year groups, that’s a decent number. Save your money and look at extracurricular art, drama, dance, sports etc.

Meant to add, I moved one of mine from private to state. She was struggling in the private and felt she was stupid. In the state, she grew in confidence and excelled.

I too would move her to the local primary school. At her age she should be enjoying school and it's likely she may do better academically with the prep school, but at what cost to her emotional and mental health.

Move her. But also consider how you react to her complaints. Some kids do like to complain because they know their parents will sit up and notice. It is a way of getting more attention. I knew a child like this and she drove her mum to distraction. She worried so much about her and she knew it. She would list all the things that went wrong that day for her as soon as she got in the car. During the day at school she was very engaged and happy. It only really improved when she started to change her response to her complaints.

Thanks all. Some interesting points there. Re the size of the school, her current class is only 16 so she's already in a small school, although they often get extras after year 4. All our local schools here are max 15 in a year unless you are willing to drive some distance to nearby towns. I did check clubs etc at the village school and they actually had surprisingly good provision of things she'd actually like so that's a bonus.

@reluctantadult
Sadly none of the teachers higher up the current school excite me or DD. They have had a teacher last couple of weeks helping out having returned from may leave who I'm pretty sure they will get. Dad's words were "she's ok but I couldn't survive a year with her". 😬 Other girls have reported that she's pretty strict and serious which isn't what DD needs at this point in time.

@cansu I think you make a very valid point! Definitely something to look at.

I didn’t know that state schools existed that didn’t do homework (I hate homework at primary).

Sorry meant mat leave not may leave and DDs words, not dad's words! Joy of typing on a phone!

Hi OP,
it's hard when they are not happy... it sounds like maybe she needs a culture shift? We are at a tiny village school (mixed year groups) and my DDs are thriving. I know lots of parents (often with kids at other schools...) worry about the small numbers, but our experiences is that both our children are so happy - because everyone knows everyone within and across the year groups, staff are kind and they all know them too. My eldest loves to sit with older kids for lunch, as well as her peers. They all play together in the park after school And because she's happy, the learning then becomes easier. She gets loads of attention because the class is small... she's bright but not a very confident or competitive child, and I can't imagine her surviving in a more academically focused environment...

@OrangeTangerine this is totally what we saw at our local school. All the kids play together and the split classes mean they can adjust the learning for each child by giving them next year up or down. I'm not too worried about the size and am increasingly convinced the culture here will be a healthier one for her, esp given some if the response s above. Pastoral support is very strong there and I'm thinking she needs that right now more than academic pressure. And perhaps the more thematic style of learning will suit her too? There is a local prep school with a similar ethos but still quite traditional ways of teaching/learning. However it's more than a twenty minute drive away and unlike the village school, she knows noone there so I'm thinking it's more of a risk (and harder sell).

@ALW1981 My daughter is in state primary, she is really happy, loves her friends and teachers but she keeps complaining about that she doesn’t learn anything and she waits other kids to finish their work all the time (she is so academic, in year 2 but in stage of year 4). So even for that reason I would like to move her, which we will in September. If you feel she is unhappy, move her x
Meawhile@cansu are u from Turkey or Cyprus:)

We moved our 7yo DS at the start of this term from our local small state primary (13 in a class) to private. Due to a number of reasons (main being serious bullying) inc. the fact he had grown to really dislike school/learning and just wasn't thriving there. He became really quite anxious about school by the time we moved.
It was such a huge decision to move him as he had lots of friends at his old school, but it was without a doubt the right move and a good age to do it we felt. DS still goes to some clubs where he gets to see all his old schoolmates which has helped. He was also really involved with the move process and final decision, which made it feel like a family move rather than us making this huge change on his behalf.
All children also learn in such different ways and it sounds like your current school doesn't understand or consider that. As previous posters have said, if DC is unhappy move them and if down the line things aren't working out reconsider options and if need be move again. Primary school should be a happy experience 😊Good luck OP